of all of me

where we are

2012-01-01T17:43:00.000-08:00

I find that the best way to reflect on the past year is to look through my blog. I look at the issues that stood out through the year and more importantly, I feel the emotions that I had when they were freshest in my mind at that point in time.

I haven’t written as many blog posts as I usually do which actually makes me feel sad because I must have missed out something important during that time but then life is too short regrets and I know that the future years will bring more than enough to write about.

At our new year’s day service, the pastor asked us to reflect, one of which was the things we regret. And immediately, what sprung to mind was ‘coming back to Singapore’. But my heart was very quick to refute it and told me, ‘No, this is exactly right where I need to be.’ As the saying goes ‘how can something so wrong feel so right?’ Mine is the exact opposite – how can something so right feel so wrong? And yet somehow, that’s enough assurance for me. There are times we doubt the decisions we make, even though we can’t go back, but for me, there has always been nothing surer than the peace in my heart.

This year, I’ve done the great migration, found my way back into missions, failed exams, passed exams and best of all, I found out who I want to be and where I want to be. People always say how quickly the year goes by but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like the days have inched by and just because God wanted me to carefully examine each day that I live.

Although there are many days in between when I have not lived well for his glory, I know that God will enable me to stand firm.

This 2012, God help me to abandon it all.

more to this life

2011-11-15T18:56:00.001-08:00

I've usually been quite faithful in writing my blog posts but ever since I arrived in Singapore, I've just been so overwhelmed with all that is going on. People in Singapore think it's naturally the workload that gets to you, but it's not at all. Work here is a complete breeze and it's funny that even other people I've met coming from the UK have said the same thing. But people here are generally more uptight and it's driven by the lack of humanity in this society.

Each day was a constant struggle against the system. Now that I am gone, I am even more grateful for the NHS and how despite its difficulties, it is a system that cares. I am appalled by the system here and like how I am so often told by my patients - you can die but you can't get sick. What a sad truth, but truth indeed. After the first three months, I feel myself so ravaged by the coldness and callousness of the system and I am losing this battle to hold onto the true me..

But I thank God for holding on to me and bringing me to this new hospital. A place where things just seem like a different world. Many people shun this place just because of the stigma to it but each day I am pleasantly surprised and comforted by the selflessness of these physicians. How they stay true to the ethos of what being a doctor really means. To care for those who are sick, poor, isolated and even shunned by society. To fight for a better life for those they look after.

Well, what about the system? All I can say is, go fight city hall. We just have to make do and accept it. Maybe so, but being here, I realise that there is so much we have to offer as individuals. I always thought that a part of me would give up doing ophthalmology, in exchange for doing infectious diseases, which I may not enjoy as much. But I was wrong, God never takes away something without giving more in return.

After being in Singapore for 6 months, I have found that there is more to this life here after all.

"I sit and watch in silence
As people pass me by
And I strained to see if there was something
Hidden in their eyes
But they all looked back at me
As if to say
Life just goes on

The old familiar story told in different ways
Make the most of your own journey
From the cradle to the grave
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on

But there's more to this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more that this life alone can be...

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we'll find
Life's true beginning is back at the cross where he died

Where he died, to bring us more
To this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more than this life alone can be.

More to this life, Steven Curtis Chapman

one step forward, two steps back

2011-05-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've technically been in Singapore for one and a half months now but I've not spent more than a total of two weeks in the country. It feels a little like I've been making up for lost time, going on as many mission trips as I can. One reason was just because my time would be limited once I started work but more importantly, I needed to get back to who I was and to reawaken the sleeping giant within me.

I've been round the Philippines as usual and it was so refreshing to be around people who had such a fire to serve the Lord. To be with the people who could understand your heart without you explaining or knew what you wanted to say before you spoke it.

But I knew that this year would bring more than just the need for me to retrace my steps. Oh no much more than that. This year was different from all the others because when I stepped out into the mission field, I was now trained as a doctor, no more a medical student. Two years ago, I felt so ready to go and now that I have been out into the field, I feel like I have taken a step back and become so unprepared. But in the last two weeks, I have experienced such a fulness of God's grace and mercy, and though at times, I am still unsure of the difference I have made, I realise that at the end of the day, we aren't the difference. He is. He is the only difference that matters in this world.

Lord, thank you for showing me how small I am in this world and how important it is to be small.

"I seek the Giver not the gift."

place in this world

2011-03-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

As the days passed, I began to fall in love with ophthalmology all over again. I can't think why I ever let go of it and now I am contemplating the most difficult path of all - to try and do ophthalmology in Singapore but to pass my MRCP before then. I don't know if I will be successful but right now, I am just happy that after speaking to someone in the organisation I hope to work in in the future, that I don't actually have to give up ophthalmology. That came as a huge surprise to me, but a good one nonetheless.

Yesterday was my last day of work here and it was sad but also it was nice to get thank you cards and flowers from my colleagues. I have loved being here so much and I hate leaving this part of me behind. I wish Dundee were nearer so I could come visit more often.

In 3 weeks' time, I will be back in Singapore and embarking on my new journey, wherever that may lead. But trying to chase all these dreams within me is actually so difficult, the oodles of exams to sit, courses to attend, articles to write. I am just afraid to lose the me that I want to become.

Lord, help me to find my place in this world.

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful

A head that's full of dreams

But this becoming is harder than it seems

Feels like

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night

To find my place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

If there are millions

Down on their knees

Among the many

Can you still hear me

Hear me asking

Where do I belong

Is there a vision

That I can call my own

Show me

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

-Place in this World, Avalon

If I walk away

2011-02-13T04:39:00.000-08:00

I have loved being back here in Dundee and especially back doing ophthalmology again. So much so, that it's brought alot of doubt about going back home. I have no choice now that everything is set in motion and once I leave, there will be no way to come back. It pains me to give it up but there is just no choice. I have always loved ophthalmology and love it still. I think I always will but I try and remember that I gave it up for a higher purpose, to fulfil my calling. In my heart, I still hold on to the dream that maybe when I am finished with my training, I will get a chance to go back to ophthalmology. It seems a waste that all I've worked for these few years were for nothing. I'm still trying to understand the path that God has charted for me. It seemed so clear a few months ago and I just needed to walk along that path, but it's as though the snow has come and covered the path ahead of me and I can't see where I'm going.

It feels like I want to be an ophthalmologist more than I want to work in the WHO. But does that mean I'm choosing my dream over God's? Maybe. It was him who planted the desire in my heart in the first place.

I can only hope and pray that I am not walking out of God's will and purpose for my life. But if I walk away Lord, please follow me.

Lately, I've been the quiet one

Waiting, searching the lines

Of the songs you played for me.

Sailing into the misty air,

Fading, bound for I don't know where,

When I'm there, I'll see.

And if I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Weightless, drifting through stars

I got faithless,

Woke in the dark and

I made this from my dream

Play me all your sweet rhymes

Recreate me, now comes the time

When I'll need your truth to see.

And if I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Walk away,

Let the fear fall away,

Into the fire you made,

Scarlet and gold.

Walk away,

Head for the light of day,

Follow a brighter way,

Out of the cold and dark,

Down to the one bright spark,

Futures that all might start,

Someday.

So if I walk away,

Please follow me,

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Fragments, shells of a long ago lifetime,

Faces that once were mine,

Thrown down by the sea.

- If I walk away, Josh Groban

Higher window

2011-01-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

People often wonder why I don't crave human relationships as much as the average person. But after hearing the endless stream of secular love songs on the radio, it's no surprise why anyone would want to have someone to sing those songs to. But people assume I have no one to sing to just because they don't see him. I admit that after going through my operation, I realise how much I have needed to rely on the help and love of others, without whom I could not have survived.

I recently came across this beautiful song called 'Higher Window' and I think of all the times I've gone wrong, turned astray or tried to do things my own way. All that only made me realise how small I was without him, how much I missed him when I was away from him. But only when we pour ourselves out and become completely honest with him, he always tells me that it's never too late for me to love him. I close my eyes and imagine that higher window with streams of grace and mercy flowing from above and it fills my heart with joy and comfort to know that I can always come back to him. Though doors may close in my face, no one can touch that higher window. That window will always be open to me. And what a great comfort that is.

And so this song is dedicated to the One who will always love me, even when all else fades.

Higher Window, by Josh Groban

For all the times I've tried for this

And every chance at you I've missed

Been known to go my way

But I confess it made me miss you more.

I drew my line across the sand

And set my flag in no-man's land

But here I am, the one man band

With a song that's meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window

Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

Bringing an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tell me that it's too late

For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be

Our warm and silent symmetry

It's time like these when we all

All we need is to be reminded

Oh and I have flown a thousand miles

To empty rooms and crowded aisles

And we went from cathedral bells

To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells

And I still look at you and I am blinded

I am blinded

Because there is a light

From a higher window

Shining down on us tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tel me that it's too late

For me to love you.

wonders of the world

2010-11-26T02:52:00.001-08:00

It's now been 9 days since I've planted myself onto the couch and the road to recovery seems to be stretching out longer and longer with each passing day. On the bright side, I have lots of free time to study, although that hasn't quite happened yet.

My friends and family have always known to be stubborn and fiercely independent and I had every intention of managing on my own after the operation. I was told that it would probably take about 10 days before I could walk but I was confident that with a little of faith, I could manage on my own. But of course, my parents weren't having any of that, especially my mother.

Every one has heard of the 7 wonders of the world. The title 'Wonder of the World' has become so prestigious that every country wants to have a 'man-made' or 'natural' wonder of the world in their country. But to me, the greatest wonder in the world is the love of God. A love that's so totally unselfish and amazing. His love keeps me spellbound and his gifts are so generous. But there is a second wonder of the world - mothers. Mothers are peculiar things. They do things that people wouldn't ordinarily do for another person or even another relative. My mum insisted coming up to look after me after my surgery and has been cooking and cleaning for me the last 2 weeks. I suppose no man is an island after all and I'm not sure how I would have survived without her.

All in all, I'm grateful for everything God has given me, especially my mummy.

destined

2010-10-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Things have been moving so quickly in the past few weeks or even days, but then it feels like my life is just beginning again. Dundee has been the only life I've known for the last 7 years that I've been so loathe to give it up. The other day I looked at my prayer requests for this year and one of them was for God to give me direction in the specialty I should do and where to do it. And at the end of the day, what I do or where I do it doesn't really matter as long as I go where God is or sends me.

Being here in Dundee gave me the opportunities to pursue this missionary life, one I would never have known if I had studied in Singapore. But now it's part in my life is over and I have to go back. I am so thankful that God helped me to pass my MRCP the first time but I knew that things would be set in motion the moment I did. My heart seems so full of fear and trepidation, the thought of packing up, moving home, rebuilding a life, starting from scratch in a new hospital. It's not the life I would have chosen but there are bigger reasons. My heart has also never been so excited. This will be my first time as proper missionary doctor and 2011 will be the biggest year for me. Two months in the Philippines, China, Mongolia and whatever God has in store for me. I am sad that I'm giving up my ophthalmology dream but it's no comparison.

Finally, it feels like I'm beginning to fulfil the destiny that God has mapped out for me.

"I have questions

You have answers

I have wounds

You heal with love

I am weak and you are mighty

Hungry and you fill me up

This was meant to be

When you created me.

I was destined to love you

I was bound to adore you

Purposed to need you

Certain to want you

Designed to pursue you with praise

I was destined to love you

You define me with your greatness

I am shaked by mercy's hand

It's your word that gives me meaning

Yours forever, great I am

How can joy be known

It's in you alone"

- Destined, Avalon

joy in the journey

2010-09-11T01:35:00.000-07:00

After working an average of 11 hours over the past 14 days, I finally have some time to sit and think. My life is still the same, working in the hospital day in, day out, going for nice meals with my friends or chilling in front of the tv with some ice cream and tea. This is the life that I have enjoyed for the past 6 years and I have always loved it. I suppose my personality always wants to resist change, although I suppose that is human nature.

But things have taken a turn recently. A big one. I thought making the decision to change colleges was the biggest one I had and I suppose it had been until now. Sometimes God puts before us paths that we don't want to walk just because we don't like the look of it or we don't know where we're going. I've been taking detours, but as they say, 'All roads lead to Rome,' and every path takes me back onto this road that I've been so loathed to tread.

Just like a bolt out of the blue, God struck a chord in my heart that it was time to go home. Not for all the reasons my family has been giving me, but much more than that. I find that since I started work, I'm beginning to lose the person that I am and want to become. The spiritual covering that I receive from my friends and family while I'm home, or the fellowship that I have with others while on missions. It's all becoming a distant memory. I miss the conversations about the things we want to accomplish together for God and no dream is impossible.

What now? I've forgotten the joy in the journey. How do I find it again? Since making the decision to finally go back to Singapore, my mind and my heart have been at peace with myself, and more importantly, with God. No matter how difficult the life may be at home, I feel that I can handle anything with God with me.

for you alone

2010-08-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

I've survived my first week of on-call shifts, just barely, and solely due to the grace of God. Things have been so busy at work recently that I've just realised that I've not written a blog post in over a month. I spent last night browsing through some of my last few posts and I guess the same subject is still on my mind. Where do I go?

My heart has always been in the mission field and so it really doesn't matter whether I'm here or in Singapore. If so, why am I so bent on staying here? Now that God is showing me that medicine is the path that I need to choose and ophthalmology will have to remain a dream, things seem a bit clearer. I find myself standing in front of the path that I must take but yet not really keen to tread.

I'd always planned that in about 3 years time, I'd take some time out to spend doing missions but somehow I'm sure that if I went back to Singapore, that reality would just dissolve into thin air. Would it? I don't know. I think it would.

Anyway, I just picked up my old mp3 player and put on an old song called 'For you alone' and thoughts of who I am and want to be all came flooding back, especially hearing the first line - 'Lord, give me a dream...' Yes Lord, give me a dream. Your dream.

jericho

2010-06-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

After 3 weeks of gallivanting around the UK, I feel it's time to write a more serious blog post. Mostly because I need to rather than want to.

Have you ever felt like your world is collapsing? Like the walls are crumbling around you? I don't get that feeling very often. But I did yesterday. Ever since I graduated, my family have been keen for me to return to Singapore but I've always resisted it. Not because I didn't want to go home, but because I always felt that being in the UK would give me the best platform towards becoming a full-time missionary.

I've built a life for myself here, one that I love. Last week I was ready to buy a house here and following on from that, get a new car. But since I started work, my feet have been giving me awful bother and I now have to take time off from work to get them operated on. I thought that things would be alright and I wouldn't need to take too much time off from work to recover but things haven't gone the way I planned, as most things don't for everyone.

The bottom line was that if I didn't manage to come back quickly enough to work, it would be curtains for my career here in the UK. At that moment, I felt like my world was caving in. I stood outside the office frantically trying to wipe the tears away. What was wrong with going home? I don't know, nothing really. I just don't feel it's right. But all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. What is God's purpose? I don't know. I wish I did.

It just seems a bit too much thinking about moving back home in the next 12 months or less than that even. On the other hand, whether Singapore or UK, it's only a matter of time before we find our true home. If that's the case, does it matter?

I don't know. I really don't know. Lord tune my heart to hear your voice.

slow or quick

2010-05-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

Too often I find that I allow my emotions to get the better of me. My personality is ruled by my heart rather than my head which is why I think I get so attached to my patients. There is always someone more senior around who has your back but then it doesn't change the fact that I still get very protective of each person I look after. I suppose it's both good and bad.. The bad thing is that I have 'letting go' issues. Most people don't see patients the same way I do and obviously things can get difficult when they don't.

I allowed myself to get so angry when someone didn't care the way I did and was I right or wrong? I'm still not sure. Does it matter less when you fix the problem in time? Or is a mistake still a mistake regardless of the outcome?

The only message God has given me to take away from this are the words in James 1:19,20:

'Dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.'

Perhaps I did what was right to protect the patient, but maybe not in the way that God would have wanted me to. Bottom line is, did it feel like I was living the righteous life God wanted? That day, I didn't. But if I remember this day, perhaps it'll keep me from making the same mistake tomorrow.

what if

2010-04-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

My thoughts are fading with each passing day and it's time for them to 'pen' them down into this entry before they are completely washed away. I meant to write this entry last Friday but never got a chance because of the numerous hours I spent at work the past week. But better late than never. This entry is important because it marks an important milestone for me, an answered prayer.

For many months, I've been praying for some direction in my life. Even though I probably wouldn't need to make any decisions for another year or so, the uncertainty has been difficult for me to handle. Last Friday, I accompanied a couple of my friends to the Singapore recruitment. Though I had never really considered going back, I knew that this would be the deciding factor. In fact, I was 90% sure that after attending this, the propaganda would get to me and I'd hop on the next flight home. I was even excited about going to this little meeting though I couldn't explain why. I thought within myself that it was time to say goodbye to Dundee and to this life I had known for the past 5 years. But I was wrong. The little meeting we had reminded me of who God wanted and still wants me to become. To reach beyond who I am in order to become who He wants me to be. The bottom line is, I can never become the person and doctor He wants me to be if I go home; and that is a dream that I will never ever give up.

As I sat on the train home that day, I allowed myself to dream again, to dream of all the possibilities and the 'what if's. Funnily enough, the next day, I heard this beautiful song called 'What if' sung by Kate Winslet, though only perhaps a portion of the lyrics are relevant..

"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head
I keep on looking back
Right back to the start..."

There were so many times I asked myself 'what if' this and 'what if' that, but now that I have this peace in my heart, I no longer look back to the start. My future is right ahead of me and boldly I will tread, with the confidence of Christ within me.

hide and seek

2010-03-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

"I sought the Lord, he answered me; and delivered me from my fears." Psalm 34:4

The past few night shifts have been so hectic indeed. As I trudge back from my parking space home each day, my eyes are still peeled for the firt sign of the spring daffodils.. The warm smile of a golden daffodil so easily melts away the worst day.. But there aren't any this year.. The winter frost has chilled the flowers as the tiring night shifts have chilled me. I lost my strength after the second night but God knows that this little flower is dry and frozen and he has watered me with his strength, wisdom and grace. Not only that, he's also given me good seniors I can rely on. Definitely not an everyday occurrence. My spirit has felt so dry and my confidence somewhat shaken. Just as plants need fertiliser, it's always nice as a junior doctor for someone to say that you're doing a good job. I admit that it's the humanity within me that seeks a little affirmation, but a little pat on the back does wonders for morale and motivation.

In any case, I'm two weeks away from starting my last job for this year. I've been counting down the days towards leaving orthopaedics and now that I will be soon, there is a bit of trepidation and I know that even if it's not where I want to be, I will miss it. But where am I now really? I'm not quite sure. I don't think much has changed since my last post. I'm just trying to stay afloat in the strong currents that come sweeping along. I still spend my free time dreaming of the possibilities that could be. I'm still trying to find the memo that God might have left on my desk telling what my appointments were for the next few years.

It feels like God is playing hide and seek with me. But it's not in his nature. On my nights, I asked him for strength and he gave it to me. I prayed for a good senior and he gave it to me. I asked for a parking space on my street in the morning so I wouldn't have to walk miles and he gave it to me. No matter how small and insignificant is, if it matters to me, I know it matters to him. What's missing then? I guess I've still got some spiritual blindness and maybe I just haven't found the cause of blindness so I can't treat the disease. Perhaps when I finally wake up from this long sleep and just open my eyes, I'll find he's been right in front of me all along.

breathing

2010-02-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

And so my two weeks in Singapore have come and gone. My pockets were loaded and emptied although can't say the same for my tummy after all the meals.. In any case, what I dislike most about going home is the long flight back, especially without business class and chauffeurs to ease the journey. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to see the value of the time spent in quiet solitude. Alot of the time in Dundee is spent scurrying about, and even more so in Singapore. My mind is always playing catch up. But on the plane, there's always more than enough time to reminisce on the days gone by.

I've loved being in Dundee so much and I still do. But I suppose having started my education, there's really no choice in saying that you want to go back home. But starting work didn't change my love for Dundee at all. In fact, I love it even more and could see myself working here for years to come. That is, until my trip home recently. Things HAVE changed and more than I would like to admit. Now, this life is finally mine to live (mine, in a sense.. I'm still trying to unearth the path God has laid out for me). But where I work, what I specialise in, they're all there for me to choose. And they weren't before. The past 5 years have been building up to this moment and I have long been itching into the postgraduate world. But now that I'm here, I'm not sure where to go. I thought to lay out the pros and cons of working here and in Singapore, but God isn't limited by our lists. What then? I'm not sure. Perhaps I should stay for the sake of my career. Well, what is it? I want to do a degree in public health, infectious diseases, finish off some medical training, become an ophthalmologist, work in China, CBM and the WHO. This might be all too ambitious for someone who's just 6 months into work. Advice. That's what I need. But no one I know has walked this path of madness before. Plus that's what I'll be giving up if I go back to Singapore. I'm sure of it. Or am I?

I've always been known to be very focussed in my work. But not quite ambitious. So what's changed? Well, 2 years ago, someone asked me, 'If you were asked to be the President of Singapore, would you take it?' Without further consideration, I flatly said 'No.' I didn't want a life of politics or the burden and power of running a country and it was never something I strived towards. I just wanted to be a full-time missionary doctor. Wasn't that enough? But the response to my answer was just silence and a hint of disappointment. I didn't understand why then. But as I began to ask myself that question, things begin to change. I still don't want to be the President of Singapore, but I realise that we need to maximise the talents God has given us and we need to aim and reach higher for him, so that he can use us to do greater things. I don't know if I have the talents to do all that I dream of doing, but God has always given me the strength and grace I needed. With much blessing comes much responsibility, and I daresay that he has blessed me much more than I'd choose to be responsible for. But this is it. This is where I am. Knocking on heaven's door for instructions to how to best use all he has given me.

Breathing by Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be.

he made the iron float..

2010-01-16T23:03:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy recently that I've completely forgotten about my blog. In fact, I've not even had time to reflect on 2009 or my goals for 2010. Now that my body clock has been turned upside down from being on night shifts, I find myself with nothing to do at 5am on a Sunday morning. In the space of these 2 months, I find that I should have accumulated a great amount of thoughts which I could put into my blog, but my mind is as quiet as the world outside.

Having been run off my feet recently, I've allowed myself to slip away from God, spending so little time in prayer and meditation. But the looser my hold, the tighter his becomes. I may have slackened, but God knows my weakness and he's stayed close by my side. This past week of night shifts has been a great experience but also a time of testing and I have never been more grateful for the wisdom and the strength he has given me. If he could make the iron float on water, he can do anything.

Well, what of 2010 then? I'm still looking forward to the days ahead, although still praying for direction. I love it here in Dundee and quite resolved to stay here, though there seems to be a quiet push now and then beckoning me home. I am not sure if it will fade into the background or grow stronger but only time will tell. God always throws surprises in our way and 2010 has crept up on me so slowly that I'm not sure what to ask or hope for. But I realise also that I have so often limited God by my prayers or rather, my wishlist. So if I have one goal this year, it's to commit it to the Lord, just because he made the iron float.

to love life and see good days..

2009-11-21T11:25:00.001-08:00

The past week has indeed been eventful. I've spent the last 3 weeks on acute receiving and in all honesty, was dreading the thought of it, as my days there as a student were not my most fond memories of medical school. While I managed to live out the days on the ward well enough, I was still counting down to the days when it would be over; that is, until last Wednesday. As doctors, the greatest nightmare is to be admitted to hospital. For me, nothing was more mortifying than having to collapse in front of the entire medical team and to be admitted as a patient, an experience that definitely does not bear repeating. While some tell me that it was fortunate to be there in the right place at the right time, I couldn't disagree more. Nonetheless, seeing myself through the eyes of a patient gave me a much greater appreciation of my time on the ward. I do not relish the idea of ever being a patient again, but it was a great feeling to know what it was like being managed by my colleagues and seniors, especially now knowing that I had been in such good hands. Now that my time there is ending, I admit I am very much loathe to leave it.

But of course, there is much more than just the medical drama on the wards. I still ask myself the same question each day - 'Have I lived the life that God has called me to live?' Unfortunately, some days I have to shamefully admit a resounding 'no' but there are days when I can smile at the work God has been doing in my life, those days when my human nature doesn't take centre stage. In everyone's life, there will be always be people who we cross paths with, people who rub us the wrong way and vice versa and how we handle these experiences define who we are. In the past few days, God has been speaking to me through 1 Peter 2 and 3 - to be submissive, humble and to treat others with gentleness and respect.

''Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing... But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.'' 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15-16

I shall not want

2009-10-19T12:04:00.001-07:00

Life has been moving so quickly that it had just dawned on me that I hadn't written a post for such a long time. Just finished another set of night shifts, late shifts and the lot.. Thank goodness for swaps which have given me some time to breathe or finally sit down to think about my audit.

There are days like today where I spend my free time mulling over things that have happened in the days gone by. Questionable decisions, mistakes made, lives lost. Indeed, I am beginning to see with my own eyes that no matter how hard you try, you will lose lives. Sometimes it doesn't matter how early you intervene or when you get that right decision in, some things just happen the way they're meant to. I have Jesus, the great Comforter on my side, but I know the loss will never be as dear to me as to the patient's family and I can but whisper a prayer that they should find the same comfort that I have in him.

But each and every day, God pours out more grace for me. I have needed much more than I did when I was a medical student, now that much responsibility rests on my shoulders. Yet I have never been in want and each day, I experience a full measure of his abundant grace. In every procedure I undertake, in every patient I manage and every person I speak to.

Indeed, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

i don't want to go

2009-09-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

The thought of going back to Singapore has never really crossed my mind. All along, I had planned to finish my training here so that I could finally walk down the path of a missionary. That was, until I met a friend who was going back home and began persuading me to go. I've always been awfully stubborn, but 7 years ago, God made me a huge leap of faith. I made a decision that changed my life in an awesome way but also sent me down a road full of bumps, obstacles and questions. Too often were the nights when I would struggle with God for an answer. Eventually, I felt that God had put this nagging feeling in my heart for a reason and I took a chance and felt this amazing peace in my heart that was so powerful. But the years that followed after were difficult and there were times when I questioned if I'd made the right decision. And right now, I start to feel restless because the circumstances of this situation seem too similar to what it was 7 years ago. The only difference is, this is going to be an even bigger jump.

I'm begging for an answer but like last time, there may not be one. As I sit in silence, my heart begins to sing this song that brings me comfort:

You changed my world
When you came to me
You drove a passion
In my soul down deep
Lord to follow you in everything
I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that you're not there
Cos I know that me without you is a lie
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
Cos my heart needs to be where you are
So I don't want to go

So come whatever
I'll stick with you
I'll walk, you'll lead me
Call me crazy or a fool
For forever
I'll promise you that
I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that you're not there
Cos I know that me without you is a lie
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
Cos my heart needs to be where you are
So I don't want to go

Without your touch
Without your love
Filling me like an ocean
For your grace is enough
Enough for me

Never wanna go somewhere
If I know you're not there...

in the making

2009-08-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

8 days off from work now and another 3 to go. To be honest, I was afraid that my expectations of being a doctor were so high that I would be disappointed, but God never disappoints. And I mean NEVER. There are days when I feel like collapsing from the tiredness, days when the tears are pushing through, but never a day I doubt that this is what God called me to do. I feel like I'm at the edge of my seat and the day when I enter the mission field draws closer and closer. I remember some doctors telling me that the worst thing is to see a patient die before your eyes. I think they were right. It's even more difficult when the family surrounds you with tears in their eyes and asks you to do something.

Yet despite the hustle and bustle of hospital life, I find that my life has become awfully quiet in the past weeks. I've kept up with my devotion diligently but perhaps not faithfully... After the first week, my mind is so tired that my prayers were little more than 'thanks and goodnight'. By the end of the second week, all I could say was 'I miss you, Father.' But this time off has been a precious time. I've been able to find God again, right where I left him. And now that I'm getting into the swing of things, I'll be sure to hold on tighter.

What is the point of this post? I'm not quite sure to be honest. It just felt that I needed to remember this moment as a milestone in my journey towards becoming a missionary.

This is my daily prayer and may it be yours too, if you are reading this...

EACH DAY

God be supervising
My sleeping and my rising
God be with me waking
Bless each undertaking
God's almighty powers
Keep my daylight hours
God's Spirit strengthen
My days as they lengthen.

in and out

2009-07-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at my computer waiting to type the words that enter my mind, I find that it is as quiet as the morning, save the soft humming of my laptop and the occasional screech of passing seagulls. The past month has gone by in the blink of an eye, although I could not have asked for a better one. I had a wonderful albeit slow time in Puerto, but also went around Singapore with my friends from Myanmar and the Philippines, which was down to God's perfect timing and blessing.

But my time in Puerto has always been much more than a holiday for me and once again, God had a message in store for me, one which perhaps I was reluctant to hear. Last year, my godma asked me to speak to some youths in a church about my missions experiences and although I accepted, my plans to return to Puerto this July left no space for it. Nonetheless, I had thought of what I might say. More often than not, people refer to going on missions as going out of their comfort zone. I've never liked that term because it seems to portray the image of rich people coming down from their pedestal to help the poor. In fact, it gives some the impression that they deserve to behave as though they are better than the people they help, and so they do. Too often, the mission field is tainted with people such as these. God made us all equal and so He gives others more resources, so that we can reach equality together. For a long time now, I've believed that if you want to do missions, you should feel like you're going INTO your comfort zone, not out of it.

The Philippines has been my comfort zone for the past 2 years or so. Each time I go, I have in my mind a good idea of when I'd go back, but this time things are not quite so clear. It's possibly the fact that getting leave for a long spell just isn't as easy, but deep within me, I know it's more than that. During our sharing time one night, one of my friends shared about how she had gotten too comfortable in her job and God was pushing her to move on. At that moment, I knew that that was what God was trying to say to me too. I've gotten too comfortable in the Philippines. As a medical student, there were many other things I could concentrate on. But now as a doctor, things are different. My role in medical missions has totally changed and I have to be serious about it. Where will God bring me next? I honestly have no idea, but he's brought so many opportunities to my door. At least now that I've finally graduated, I can finally fulfil the promises to all those I promised to serve when I became a doctor.

To God Be The Glory.

the basin and the towel

2009-07-03T03:07:00.000-07:00

It feels like ages since I last posted a blog entry but time has not been my own and life has been a little more crazy than usual. Graduation is finally over and it's nice to finally chat about things past medical school. It's odd sometimes explaining why I'm not going back to Singapore but I know that in my heart it's not time yet.

But for now, I need to find the silence in my heart and just enjoy that, before the days of working nights and carrying the arrest bleep run me down. I've had good mentors through the years. Mentors who remind me that sometimes all you need is to be true to yourself and to what you believe in. A couple of weeks ago I bought a Michael Card CD and heard this amazing song which I knew I would be singing each day for the rest of my life as a doctor..

"And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
That day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

In any ordinary place,on any ordinary day,
The parable can live again
When one will kneel and one will yield.
Our Saviour Servant must show us how
Through the will of the water and the tenderness of the towel."

-The Basin and the Towel, Michael Card

May God grant me the humility to take up the basin and towel every day.

this is for you...

2009-05-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

This period must surely merit a post though for the past two days, I just can't find the words to express my happiness. And when I finally manage to scrounge up some words, the tears get in the way. I guess when I entered medical school five years ago, I knew this day would come eventually. But no one ever said that it would feel this good.

Knowing we passed our portfolio exams doesn't just mean medical school is over, that we can call ourselves doctors, that we can go on to take our foundation jobs, that we'll be getting our first salary in August; for me, it's more than that. It means that I'm one step closer to the mission field. I know the world thinks me crazy for being impatient to sit my postgraduate exams, but now that undergraduate exams are over, it's something to look forward to. This chapter of my life has finally finished and it's time to start writing a longer one and it can only get better.

But the tears I cry aren't really tears of happiness... they're tears of gratitude... Gratitude to the mercy that has flowed from the throne of God into me, but also to each person who has been a part of my life and helped shape who I am. Five years ago, I remember sitting on my mum's bed and said that perhaps I shouldn't pursue medicine because it would cost an awful lot. But my mum told me that if this was what I wanted, they would support me.

To Mummy and Daddy - thanks for the genes, the prayers and the love.

To Ming che and Jo - for the online chats when I was bored.

To Remy - for pampering me when I came home.

To my Ee-Ees - for the daily emails and for lending me your shirt at the interview.

To my grandparents - for being more proud of me than anyone ever could be.

To those who inspired me - Ate Ding, Prof Chew, Dr Sum, Dr Ben, Ate Julie, V

To my prayer warriors and soulmates- Ate Babes, Ate Jenn, Ate Joy, Ate Gen, Zelda

To my fellow Dundonians - Tara and Charl - or rather, Dr Morley and Dr Soulsby

To those who made me smile - Philip, Di, Nat, Man Yun

To those who believed in me - Auntie Connie, Auntie Jen, Uncle Yew Meng and Auntie Hannah.

And to little Simone - I hope that when you said you wanted to be like Che Che Deborah, you meant you wanted to become a doctor, not the big bad wolf.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13,14

Lord, all this is for you.

in the world, not of the world

2009-05-11T13:23:00.001-07:00

Stray thoughts have been racing through my head these past few weeks but I feel like I just haven't had enough to put a blog post together. As usual, in the run-up to exams, my mind is drifting and I am doing everything BUT revising for exams. I wasn't like this before but as I fill my time watching Star Trek Voyager, I realise how much my education system had fashioned me into a Borg drone. Complete a task and start on another. Every drone is part of the one collective mind. Every inch of creativity and individuality is suppressed. Pleasure is irrelevant. I have to admit, it's been enjoyable coming out into the real world.

Last night, I happened to catch the Da Vinci code on TV and realise how unreal the world really is. While the Israelites are often mentioned in the Bible 'doing evil in the eyes of the Lord', their practices were often limited to worshipping foreign gods... Two millenia later, we're inventing new ways everyday to diminish the true power of God. I expect someone will be printing one of those 'A-Page-A-Day' calendars on such a topic. Angry? Yes, that's the emotion I expected myself to have. But I don't have the right to be. I am part of Adam's fallen race. I find myself before the throne and the only words I have are, 'Lord, have mercy.' It makes me sad to think that man has tried to mortalise God through a movie. But a great Comforter he has been and always will be, he spoke to me through John 1:14 "The only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." Spurgeon writes in his devotional, "You can say, 'He is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside. He has done that for me which none but a God could do... Let others think as they will of Him, to me He must be the only begotten of the Father, blessed be his name'."

Indeed, he is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside.

if i had words...

2009-04-04T10:25:00.001-07:00

3 years ago, I was sitting on the train back to Dundee after arriving back in Scotland and I just kept singing to myself the song 'Just like Heaven'. I remember the wave of despair and frustration that came upon me that I struggled and overcame by the grace of God. After the 3 years of 'peace', the waves are rising again. Only this time, Satan is not after me alone but to supplant those who stand with me as well. Though the five of us are closely bonded in love, friendship and prayer, the past few weeks have been a time of turmoil for each of us. Though we keep in constant communication that we might encourage each other and to share our requests, the devil tries to block that too so that we might feel the weight of loneliness and finally give in. Our communication still hasn't been restored and I admit I am feeling the frustration of it all, but within me I know that there is a cord that can never be broken. It is the bond of love that Jesus has bound us in.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is the all-prevailing power of prayer. I continued to claim the words of Luke 10:19 in our lives, for Jesus has given us the authority to overcome all the power of the enemy, and I know that Satan has no ground to stand on.

Things suddenly started to fall into place and though there are still bumps along the way, I'll just hop over them now. Having got my rotation in ophthalmology has been such a great answer to my prayers and dreams that I find myself speechless before the Lord. Just smiles and silence. I guess there are some who would think nothing of it, that it's just for a few months and that no one probably wanted it anyway. But that isn't the point. The point is that God knew what I wanted and He gave it to me. By his design, not mine.

I suppose this is an odd song to be singing to the Lord, but I find there is a simplicity and honesty in the words...

"If I had words to make a day for you,
I'd sing you a morning golden and new.
I would make this day last for all time,
Give you a night dipped in moonshine."

I AM BORG

2009-03-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

Over 2 months ago, I closed my blog... 'Why?' so many ask me... The answer is in the last post, revealed only to those who can read between the lines, or perhaps to those God chooses to reveal it to. It seems the bigger question at hand is why open it again. I am not sure really. Maybe I need it more than I realised.

Being a missionary is difficult, but being a missionary amongst non-missionaries is more difficult and it is a daily challenge for me. For a long time now, I have been impatient to enter into full-time ministry because I can feel the calling and I get frustrated because it will be a long time before I know it can happen. I ask God why if he did not let me go now, why call me so early, and how I wish I knew someone who knew what I was going through. Then I laughed to myself, thinking of my foolishness... Jesus waited thirty years before he began his ministry though he knew from the day he was born that the life of a missionary was his. Yet when he began, there were no obstacles and no doubts at all. I might be past the age of 30 before I get to go, but I know that when the day comes, the obstacles and doubts will all disappear.

Hebrews 11:13 - 16 still ring in my head from the post I wrote in December, I know that I have no home on this earth... I have been here in Scotland for 5 years now, with some of the friendliest people I know. There are people whom I have met who are so genuine and endowed with such generosity. Yet I withdraw from those around me... perhaps it is fear. While part of me admits it is fear, I find that I have little conversation to fill the awkward silences. I don't know how to talk about the weather anymore, something I had mastered extremely well coming here. So what then? Isolation is not the answer. How do I find the push that I need? I find myself often looking forward and thinking it'll happen, give it another year. But yet, I sit where I am and like Jane Austen's Mr Darcy claim that I have not the talent of conversing with others.

I feel much like Seven of Nine, having been severed from the collective. Those whose every thought she once shared are far from her and integration into human society is extremely difficult. Small talk and idle chatter lie out of her comprehension and perfection is her only aim. Yes, perfection indeed. I too, aim to be perfect, perfect in Christ Jesus.

closed

2009-01-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

“All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm in the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22

One of the most encouraging things about my blog is when someone leaves a comment to tell me that my words have helped them in one way or another. With the covenants I have made this year with God and other spiritual partners, the year 2009 promises to be an exciting year. Yet in the build-up to 2009, my world seemed to fall apart. Reality set in and the dream I dreamed was no more than a dream and the nightingale has finally lost her song. But the grace doesn’t end here, nor does the journey. Just this blog. A few days ago I realised that as even in a Christian journey, some paths are wide enough for many to pass at a time. Others are narrow, barely enough to fit one, but that is the path that lies ahead of me now. The terrain is getting more difficult to climb and the story can only be shared by those who have gone before me.

2009 will bring great trials and infinite grace. This I know for sure.

Close every door to me, hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows and shut out the light
Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime and torture my night
If my life was important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie far from this world
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me
Children of Israel are never alone
For I know I shall find my own peace of mind
For I have been promised a land of my own.

- Close Every Door, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Castle on a cloud

2008-12-12T15:10:00.000-08:00

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:13 – 16

I’ve just been to the Isle of Islay, an amazing little island with the most gorgeous scenery and the friendliest people. While people always tell me that Dundee is a nice quiet hideaway, this is even more so. The quiet little village has given me time to clear up all the mucky thoughts in my head and get back to basics with God. And the air is so fresh you can see it reflected in the colours of the scenery.

I have been lulling over this passage in Hebrews 11 for about 6 weeks now but just haven’t had the time to read this entry. But being on Islay has given me time to listen to the words more clearly and to reflect on them much more. I think Hebrews 11 is such a beautiful summary of those who hungered after God, who lived, loved and died in the shadow of God. And to me, it seems to be written in a more contemporary, direct style. Perhaps another reminder to keep our faith alive.

I find myself quite speechless at this point seeing how self-explanatory this passage is. After all this while, I’ve made a little home in the Philippines. I’ve seriously considered building a house there and having my own little castle. But at the end of the day, I guess one of the reasons I’m always going out of Singapore is because I am looking for a country of my own. It doesn’t matter which country I go to as long as I go on God’s errand. I will keep on travelling to wherever God sends me, but I know that the country I will settle in doesn’t exist on this earth.

a dream to end all dreams

2008-11-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

I’ve been in London for two weeks now and the place is just as great as I remembered it… And my time in hospital is even better than I could ever have imagined. I can only think how much I will miss being there although I have a good two weeks remaining. It’s great being able to linger around Selfridges or Harrod’s and the ice cream is as heavenly as I remember (perhaps even better than the one at the Trevi Fountain) and my free time at nights are spent plotting when might be the least busy time of day to finally sit down at the ice cream parlour to enjoy my ice cream.

While the ice cream dream has been always high on my to-do list, there is a greater dream – one greater than the dreams conceived by my mind alone. As I walk to the hospital each day, the air does not lie still and fresh as it does in Dundee; rather, the crisp morning air is shattered by the busy traffic, fumes and sirens. I have no doubt that I would come back to London at any time if I could, but then God’s dream is beginning to take over. I would rather be in the Philippines serving him or fellowshipping with those who love him too, or even just be curled up in a quiet corner with my Bible. And it really wouldn’t matter where in the world you put me. Going around on the weekends to different cities doesn’t tickle my fancy as much as it did and though it would have been nice to have a bit of company, all these tours just go round in a circle. I start out at one point and at the end of the day, I’m back to square one. With God’s dream, you never end up where you started.

But this bustling city life reminds me of how much we try to help God fix our own problems instead of relinquishing them to him. Even when it comes to the end of the world, we seem to be trying to bring that on by ourselves as well.

Thinking of dreams reminds me of Joseph, the one they always call ‘The Dreamer’. It’s not wrong to dream of course, but Joseph’s dreams were given by God so that they became a reality. I hope that some day, my own dreaming will come to an end and the dreams I have will be God’s dreams.

no risk is worth taking..

2008-10-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

The days seem to inch by and as always, I'm counting the days until I'm back again in the Philippines. But there is much more to life than anticipation, much more. In fact, anticipation can be so dangerous because instead of living in the moment, we live for the next moment that is coming and miss the beauty of where we are standing. And I wonder to myself, what is it that really holds my thoughts?

I strain to laugh as I try to think back to the day I declared to God I would never go back to the Philippines because I couldn't hack it... Maybe that's why the advice 'Never say never.' In any case, my day is largely filled with the excitement of calls, texts and emails from those I love there. But as I was walking down the street the other day, listening to this old favourite song of mine called 'Hanging by a moment' by Lifehouse. While they aren't a Christian band, I couldn't help thinking how much it describes my life now, life with Jesus. Every day is a wild adventure, a new love story. Yet the word 'adventure' always brings to mind great risk... the more risk you take, the greater the adventure. While the adventure remains, there are no risks in this story, no more uncertainties. Only security. Human nature has a tendency to want to be in control of everything, to be certain of everything down to the last second, yet we place ourselves at so much risk when we do. Giving up that control to the Father eliminates every risk. Ironic I suppose.

But well, that's life.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else...

-Hanging by a moment, Lifehouse

Heart overload

2008-09-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

There are three more long months before the year ends and I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out because the year has already been so amazing. There is a tendency within me to think that the best things happen when I’m away in the Philippines, or whatever country God sends me to, although I really haven’t been anywhere else in the past two years. But I know that no matter what time or place, God always works in the fullness of his grace. In 2006, I wrote that it had been the best year of my life thus far. But I know God is truly great indeed, and I made a claim of faith that the next year would be even better. And I would hold to that always, so that I would never allow myself, as far as possible, to take the blessings in my life for granted. Yet I haven’t even reached the end of two years since I said that and the amount of grace that God has poured into my life is so overwhelming that I am literally afraid of asking for a better year. I guess this has brought new meaning to my definition of the ‘fear of the Lord’.

I’ve gone into heart overload, and find tears coming to my eyes so easily just thinking about the blessings in my life… And I’m not talking about showers of blessings; it seems more like monsoon season every day. Yes indeed, my heart is reaching breaking point because it can’t hold any more. I keep trying to give it away, but then God fills me up faster than I can empty. Today in church, our pastor mentioned some commercial slogans he’d heard about how we’re worth it or we deserve a new sofa, a large screen TV or something of the sort, and while I’ve never paid much attention to it, it does show how worldly and sinful we’ve become, even without knowing it. There is nothing in this world that we possess that was not given by grace. I have nothing I can claim I deserve, except payment of my sin.

A year ago, my sister told me she wouldn’t mind going on a mission trip after she read my blog. While it was nice to hear, I didn’t give much thought to the practicality of it happening. If ever I asked God for one thing, it was that my family would understand my call to do missions. Not desire, calling. I don’t know how, but perhaps it would start by me being able to go away during Christmas this year, in other words, family time. Never in a million years would I have expected that he would take my family with me. It isn’t the cheapest time to go away of course, but there’s something so specific in God’s design that I can feel that he has something up his sleeves. A plan he is still weaving, not just for me, but for all as well, even though I honestly have no clue what it is. God seems to be the best at keeping secrets…

I guess that’s why I’m always singing all the time. I’ve become the ‘Little Imperial Toilet Singer’ after the nightingale from the fairytale ‘The Emperor and the Nightingale’, so named by my little sister. But as the nightingale can never recant her song for it is in her nature, I pray that as Christians, we too, can never recant our nature.

past the point of no return

2008-09-08T12:05:00.001-07:00

So I’m back here again in Dundee, ready to finish final year… It feels like my life is not being fast-tracked anymore but I’m not referring to the 4 or 5 hours of sleep I was living on while in the Philippines… I mean spiritually. It’s as though the air has become so still, I can hardly feel the moving of the Spirit.

Looking back on these five years, the first piece of advice any doctor or medical student gives to a newbie is to fight as hard as you can to keep a life separate from medicine, even though medicine is a vocation. It’s just so you can keep your sanity. And yet I find that when I’m in Singapore or the UK, I see so many Christians who fight to keep their spiritual life separate from their real life. Calling the Philippines my home I suppose was a very dangerous and bold step, but while people say that blood is thicker than water, the Holy Spirit is thicker than blood. It’s easy to keep the fire burning when the people around you have spiritual firepower coursing through their veins, but how do you keep up the pace in the midst of a spiritual standstill? I’m not sure but it is a challenge I cannot escape or refuse. Many around me still advise that short-term missions are the way to go, but I’m past the point of no return now… At the start of 2007, I embarked on the journey to discover the true heart of a missionary. And as I continue this search to understand more and more, I’m being drawn deeper and deeper into a world I cannot escape. Nor do I have any wish to.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11

i wanna go home

2008-09-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to all those who made their homes in my heart

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedureFor there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him."

Ecclesiastes 8:5,6

In the past two years, I’ve spent more time in the Philippines than I have in Singapore. Why? I know there’s always a specific reason for why God brings me to wherever he does. Yet up until recently, I never found the reason for why I was there although I felt in every fibre of my being that God directed me here for a purpose. If so, what was it? When people ask me why I was there again, I told them I was there for my elective. It’s the truth.

But as it says in Proverbs 16:9 ‘In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.’ A month went by and I still wasn’t sure I had found it. I admit I was beginning to get disappointed. Was I there by my own choice or by God’s? But one Sunday, I sat there thinking about how I was leaving soon and the strangest thought popped in my head. I thought to myself ‘How nice it would be when the day comes that I don’t have to count down to the time I’m leaving.’ And I was really shocked at this idea because that would mean me staying here indefinitely. While I’m not sure about that, I finally found the reason after all. I wasn’t coming to Palawan for my elective, I was coming home.

I suppose it would seem as though I’m turning my back on my own family in Singapore, but God reminds me so clearly of Jesus’ words in Luke 9:62 to the man who wanted to say goodbye to his family: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” This is my first charge as God’s steward: to abandon all that I’ve known. No regrets. God never takes away something without giving something better in return. Some people tell me that I’ve been brave in leaving my comfort zone to come here. If so, then call me a coward because I’ve never felt more in my comfort zone than being in the Philippines. I can’t explain why God chose the Philippines but there are many things about God’s grace I cannot explain. But when the blessing is so great, I can’t complain.

A week before I was leaving, the only song that played in my mind was the song ‘Home’ by Michael Buble. All I think of is, I wanna go home. I used to think how far away Puerto was just to get there, but home never seems too far away isn't it? I know many more tears must fall before I can finally go back… but these tears are only a reminder of how precious this family has become to me. I know that at the end of the day, when God opens the way, it will all be worth the wait.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home

I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

another beginning

2008-08-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

14 July 2008

Once again, the madness begins. My flights have been cancelled or I'm not on them. 30 minutes before departure I find out I do have one and have to make a mad run for it. As I run toward the plane, I hear God whisper to me, 'My child, this is only the beginning.' I have to say I didn't quite know what he meant. I couldn't even begin to describe all that happened after I landed. I have always enjoyed travelling on my own for God has been my best companion; when we're alone, he knows and sees all my vulnerabilities and I can be so transparent Yet finally I begin to think it would be nice to have company. Good or bad I don't know. But being away from the field for a year has left me soft. I've been sleeping for too long in this land of luxury. God is pushing me again, this time to see how far love will take me. Steven Curtis Chapman's song plays in my mind, especially the lyrics, 'If I wanna say I love you, I gotta be faithful too; the true test of my love will be, did I follow you consistently? Through the good and the bad, I wanna be faithful too.' I ask myself if I've done enough to deserve to say 'I love you'. Perhaps 'deserve' isn't the right word, our sinful nature means there is nothing good we deserve. But has my heart been right that God would give me this privilege? I have no answer. I do not need to work to earn his love, it was given freely. But it seems God is still working so hard to earn our love, for we are so easily divided and distracted.

12 August 2008
"And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16

May God recall to life this reckless abandon I once knew. Overcome with sickness, I sit here and moan the minutes away as I feel the life drain out of me. But this Scripture from Esther is not me giving up on life. Indeed not, I'd be selfish to do that. But in January 2007, I testified that I would climb mountains for God if he sent me, to go wherever he laid before me. And as much as all his promises are 'Yes', so he will enable us to honour the promises we made him too.

"If I can sing, let my songs be full of his glory.
If I can speak, let all my words be full of his grace,
If I should live or die, let me be found pursuing this prize;
The one that alone satisfies, the treasure of Jesus."

Coming

2008-07-11T10:57:00.001-07:00

Well well well... final year. It seems more like a miracle that I survived 4th year but here I am. I can't remember when I was ever this nervous but all through my exams I could hear the voice of Jesus echo the words of Matthew 28:20, "... and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What sweet words indeed. I must have song the words 'I need thee every hour' a thousand times... My only gripe is that I'm probably not allowed to sing aloud in exams... :)

I once said that everytime I prepare to go on a trip, things tend to go awry. Maybe some would think it sounds like a curse on myself, but it's just God's reminder that his grace is with me as I begin. I admit that sometimes I wish I could do without a reminder, but God knows better. I obviously can't. Once again, my flights went awry and I'd no time to reschedule them. Of course that's not all, I couldn't contact my friends in the Philippines because my phone died on me. What can I say except that God is faithful, so faithful.

It seems that my blogging will come to an end soon. Not because I'm tired of writing posts, I love writing about God's grace, but it seems I'm running out of words to describe the awesome greatness of our Lord and King. As I grow closer to him and learn more of him, I find myself more speechless. Maybe this is what you call stunned silence.

Yes, let me be wretched, let me be poor, blind, deaf and dumb, but not without grace.

"Just as I am, without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

-Just as I am without one plea, Charlotte Elliot

I need thee every hour

2008-07-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like thine can peace afford.

I need thee, O I need thee; every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
And thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.

Heaven's beautiful melody

2008-07-03T04:51:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks I've been writing blog posts so often and I'm not sure if it's just because I've got more time to kill... As I sit here and think, I cannot help wonder what the reason is behind God sending me back to Palawan although I'll find out when I get there. I remember the exact same thing in my decision to go back to Myanmar a second time. All I know is, there is a reason I was meant to go back and it's not just my elective. I suppose it's got to do somewhat with the fact that I have a lot of maturing and training to do before I'm ready.

On a more personal level, I'm looking forward to the heartfelt conversations I used to have. While the internet has been great for helping me keep in touch, it's not the same. I think of the times in my life where I've had the best conversations, whether it's swinging in a hammock enjoying the sea breeze, curled in a corner drinking orange pekoe tea, lying in an open field watching the sunrise, eating ice cream in a cafe or sitting in the pews of St Andrew's and feeling the peace of God wash over me. But the places don't really matter, it's the people who make the difference. I still ask God why my soulmates are scattered far and wide across the world although I already know the answer. It's to help me feel the need of God, to turn to him and not to man when I need a pick-me-up.

Thinking of all the future mission plans I've made, I look forward to the day when I can honour those commitments. But until then, to all those I love, thanks for speaking my language...

We come together for a holy purpose
We come together for the highest cause
We speak one language from a heart of worship
Gathered to bring the song to the world
For your glory

With one voice we will sing
Every tribe and every tongue
Brings a harmony
With one voice we will bring
Heaven's beautiful melody
Down to this earth
As we sing to our king
With one voice

Oceans divide us but we sing together
Now what defines is our love of you
From every nation and across all borders
Gathered to bring the song to the world

-With One Voice, Steven Curtis Chapman

the sweetest thing

2008-06-27T06:00:00.001-07:00

It's been somewhat of an anti-climactic end to the year... the last day has ended with me taking my obstetrics and gynaecology assessment with my eyes at half-mast. So sleep is the only thing on my mind right now. This morning when I woke up, I was still so tired that I felt like I couldn't put two and two together, let alone take a test, but one thing was still so clear in my mind.

My blog entries have always been about the beauty of God's creation, or God's grace. Yet while I marvel at the the blue sky, green grass and colourful flowers, I have never admired God's greatest creation as much: humanity. Yet this is another reason for why I wanted to do medicine... Communicating with people seemed to be easier than with animals and plants (for the most part). All too often I have seen the proud, arrogant, shameful side of humanity that it's hard to picture how God might have created man in his own image.

As I stood in the corner of the theatre, I watched this woman finally break down in tears from the pain and stress that this pregnancy had given her. Of course, the staff try to offer reassurance as always but it usually falls on deaf ears. Though her husband wanted to hold her hand, the lines and drips made things difficult. But then, as he sat beside her wiping the tears from her eyes, he then pressed the tissue to his eyes to wipe away his own tears. That, I think is the beauty of humanity.

It's easy to laugh with someone, and easy to give someone a hug or their hand a squeeze for comfort, but there is something amazing about being able to cry with someone. Perhaps seeing a man cry was probably something surprising in itself. The delivery of their baby wasn't perhaps a Kodak moment to me, but seeing these two parents-to-be battle together was. Indeed, I pray that we would never lose the precious gift of humanity.

RoSE

2008-06-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

It seems like ages since my last entry but apparently not... Anyway, 4 more weeks to finals. While I am aching for medical school to be over, the thought of having taken my last exam more than a year ago does seem to be a frightening thought. But things are going better. By God's grace, I'm retaining things better than I ever could remember, which is a shock in itself... I'm trying to concentrate on revising, but every 5 minutes or less, my mind floats back to thoughts of being in the Philippines. While every day everywhere should be the same, when I'm there, every day is an adventure for God. I can have so much fun doing the things I do and it's made all the more precious because it's another way to give back to God.

But here I go again. Distracted. As David said in 2 Samuel 7:18 "Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" 18 years after taking my first steps with God, life is just beginning and I am still learning to crawl. I could sit forever and ponder the greatness of God and wonder why he loved me enough to give me this charge of doing his work. Today as I was running to get the bus home, the bus driver just rolled her eyes at me and drove off although I was standing in front of the bus. Didn't make my day but I just sat down and waited. Normally, I'd have blown a fuse but this time I just wasn't bothered. Oddly enough, halfway down the road, there was a whole group of people coming to board our bus, the next bus. The bus that I'd missed had had an accident. It had a collision with a little car, who didn't appear to have much of a bonnet left. I don't think anyone was seriously injured, but I know it was the grace of God that kept me safe and more importantly, made me realise how well God has guarded me.

At the start of 4th year, we are given a little book to collect signatures of all the procedures we've done and witnessed, also known as our Record of Clinical Experience. As I look back on what has happened today and since the first step I took out into the wilderness, it's been strewn with these little packages of grace which God has littered my path with. And this is my Record of Spiritual Experience, signed by our one and only loving heavenly Father.

"Jesus what can I give,
What can I bring?
To so faithful a friend
To so loving a king
Savior, what can be said
What can be sung
As a praise of your name
For the things you have done
Oh my words could not tell
Not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart."

Indeed, what a debt of love I owe.

signature of grace

2008-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Now and then through my blog, I've always made mention of the exodus, a story that has made a great impact in my life. Admittedly, it was immortalised in my mind by Charlton Heston when I watched it at the age of 4 but the version in the Bible was the one imprinted in my heart.

It's been weeks since the cyclone hit and the release on aid restrictions have allowed many to breathe a sigh of relief. Yet as I listen to the news, it is not as black and white as it sounds. Doesn't this sound familiar? In Exodus 8:25, Pharoah tells Moses that the Israelites are now allowed to sacrifice to God but only in Egypt. In verse 28, he then says that they can go to the desert, but not very far. In Exodus 10:10, only the men are allowed to go. In verse 24, the women and children can go too, but the Israelites are to leave their flocks and herds. But finally in Exodus 12:31, the exodus begins. To me, the situation seems much alike.

What we see may be bargaining between earthly men, but it is a story wholly imprinted with the signature of God's grace. Those who share with me of their work tell me that things they bring give relief from hunger for the moment, but no hope for the dawn, much less the future. What then? I pray that someday these people will be able to claim the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 as their own.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

not the dolphins

2008-05-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

Not once have I ever written two blog entries so close to the other... But I had a little revelation just the other night, which feels like one of God's little pick-me-ups. It's not the way life is supposed to be really, but occasionally I do lose my balance and fall.

Doing marine biology has always one of my little ambitions. Even as a little girl, I remember arguing with my sister over who would get the 'narwhal' flik flak watch. Sea World was like a dream come true, and I could easily imagine myself spending all day with dolphins and my favourite, the white beluga. But anyway, I'm far from that dream now. Some dreams ARE meant to remain dreams.

And this is what God has shown me, I'm chasing another dream now. His dream. I have a friend who is a marine biologist now serving God and sometimes she tells me that she wishes she had done a degree which might have been more instrumental in her ministry. Just the other day, I read of this marine biologist turned ophthalmologist. This is it. God wanted me to serve man, not dolphins. It's not a lesser job, it's a different job. And sadly, it wasn't a job that I was meant to do. God made me with the abilities he wanted me to have and in my heart, I know I've found what I was created to do.

Sometimes the days are a struggle, other days they aren't at all. But every day is God-given. There's a beautiful song in Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame called 'God help the outcasts' and if my heart ever had a song to sing, this is it.

"God help the outcasts, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcasts for nobody will

... I ask for nothing I can get by
For I know so many less lucky than I
Please help my people - the poor and downtrod
I thought we all were the children of God
God help the outcasts, children of God"

...........

2008-05-15T13:41:00.001-07:00

......... is really how I feel. I have not written a post in nearly 2 months because I've been too busy and all the activity has finally gotten to me. My energy waxes and wanes... I feel like the smoldering wick or bruised reed Jesus promises he will not break. Yes, that is my saving grace, my only hope.

This is the longest I've been away from home, and admittedly I don't feel homesick, but how nice it would be if I were home. That means exams are over as well. Indeed, God has been gracious to me and granted me success in all my endeavours thus far. I cannot be more grateful for what he has done, but everything is coming together just prior to my exams and I'm waiting for the last straw that will break this camel's back. Not far to go now. Everything that I read just seems to bounce off my impenetrable skull and I feel like my memory is an all-time low. My mind is always away with the fairies and I'm not sure if what I am writing now makes sense. I've even been forgetting things so often it's ridiculous. Finally, I'm feeling the pressure of exams, and I can't do much about it when my mind just won't absorb. At this poiint, I think I need an antipsychotic more than some of my patients.

The recent stirring in Myanmar hasn't helped. I thank God for sustaining my brothers and sisters, for keeping them safe. Though I know that he will always be there to uphold them, I cannot help but worry. I suppose it's what keeps me on my knees as well. Just as God chose to harden Pharoah's heart that his wonders might be displayed in the land, I know God will use this opportunity to show the people how much he loves them and to help them realise that he is the Lord.

As my river of thoughts runs dry, here I end........

desecrated

2008-03-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

On the night of Good Friday, there’s a documentary on TV trying to piece together the 18 years of Jesus’ life that were not documented in the Bible. On Holy Saturday, there’s another documentary discussing about who wrote the Bible. Perhaps I ask myself why I am watching it, but there’s a part of me which realises that I need to in order to understand the desecration before us.

I find myself so emotionally and spiritually drained just hearing people refer to the Bible as a ‘history book’, or Christianity as a ‘religion’ or a ‘cult’. What has been documented in certain books of the Bible match the history books we have, so why do we still doubt its contents if it contains the tangible evidence we search for? They say that Moses could not have written the first five books of the Bible, so the real question is not about who wrote the bible, but who edited it? Edited? The audacity of man astounds me. You can’t edit the Bible like you do a primary school essay. In Matthew 5:18, Jesus himself said, “I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.” Moses may have penned the words, but God was the author. Could Moses have known about the beginning of Creation if God had not spoken to him?

The human nature is that of an argumentative one. We have been at war with God, ourselves and every other thing on earth since the day we were here. Put a group of five men together to write a book and there will be disagreement in no time. But the Bible, though having been ‘written’ by so many people, finds no contradiction in itself. Try finding a human explanation for that.

Jesus may have been tortured by the Roman soldiers, but perhaps the blows that we deal to him today are much worse. I remember the story of a young girl who died at the hands of her persecutors for refusing to spit on the Bible. In a small way, I can understand her pain. Seeing how others try to diminish the glory of God, by containing it in a jar and manufacturing it like a can of baked beans, is like a dagger through the heart, over and over again.

When will the day finally come when we look at our blood-stained hands and realise what we’ve done? It was only after Jesus took his last breath and the earth shook that the Roman soldier finally exclaimed ‘Surely this man was the Son of God!’ I pray that we will not wait until we find ourselves before the judgement seat before we say the same…

gladiator

2008-03-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38, 39

It's nearly toward the end of Lent and although usually God takes this period to reveal more of who he is to me, things are a little different this time. Rather, I've learnt more of who I am in him. It's not about being narcissistic but rather that, unless I learn how to see myself the way God sees me, I can never work towards what he wants me to become. Ironic but true.

For one thing, I've understood how to give myself wholly to love, no longer fearing that I might get distracted from God or confused between the concepts of human and Godly love. I understand the meaning of 1 John 4:18 - 'perfect love drives out all fear' and I've embraced the promise in Romans 8, that nothing can separate us from the love of God. It's really profoundly simple, but it takes a one-to-one with God to really wrap your head around it.

Recently, I watched a documentary on the gladiators fighting in the Colosseum and it told a story of a slave who became a gladiator. What was so intriguing about this story was that this particular gladiator and his opponent were granted his freedom at the end of the fight, although battles usually ended in death for one of the gladiators. But it brought to my mind, how we too, like slaves were redeemed by Jesus. We were chosen by him to fight the spiritual battles and when like Paul, have 'fought the good fight and finished the race', we gain life and freedom. Although the gladiators fought hard and some died fighting, they were freed from a life of slavery. So perhaps the Christian life isn't quite so different after all, we too were redeemed from a life of slavery, some will live to the end of their days, and some will die for the call.

I don't know where my call leads me, but I once read the beautiful story of a martyr who refused to deny Jesus because he had read the story of Peter's denial, and did not wish to weep bitterly. I have never been imprisoned or tortured, but too often, I have failed to weep as I should. Peter denied our Lord and forsook him when he had promised never to. It's human fear that made Peter deny Jesus and tell him that Jesus couldn't save him and he had to take matters into his own hands. Each time when trials come, and human nature gets in the way, and the panic makes me take things into my own hands, I do exactly what Peter did. It's a subtle denial, but a denial no less. By trying to fix things myself, it's as though I'm denying Jesus, and saying I don't know him, instead of giving him my problems to fix. Looking ahead, may it be that either I should know the bitter tears of denial, or that I should learn to really depend on our Lord.

just how far

2008-02-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103: 11, 12

Those who know me are always puzzled about how I’m always smiling. My aunt always asked me how come I could still smile although people were scolding me. I’ve been scolded in class for smiling before. Today, a patient asked why I kept smiling. I asked her, ‘Would you prefer I frown?’ And she laughed and said ‘No, a smile is good.’ I’ve even known myself to break out into a smile while walking down the street because I brought a happy thought in my mind that tickled me. That may look silly, but not half as silly as if I were burst into tears while walking down the street for no reason.

I did nearly though. While waiting at the bus stop the other day, I played the new Casting Crowns song ‘East to West’ and the lyrics were so heart-wrenching that it nearly broke my heart. Each time I heard the words ‘Cause you know just how far the east is from the west, from one scarred hand to another.’ I’ve never thought about it that way. Recently, I’ve received lots of messages reminding me about my coming back to the cross. Indeed, the cross is meant to be a reminder of my sin, and I need to pick up that cross. So often I leave it at home when I walk out the door in the morning.

Tomorrow is the start of the 40-day fast. Usually I’m filled with such a wave of emotion and excitement. Not this time though. It’s something different. There is a strange quiet and calm within my heart. It’s like the deep breath before the plunge, minus the plunge. I can’t quite describe it. I have to say it bothers me a little because such quiet usually equates to restlessness for me, but all I really fancy is just sitting here quiet in the presence of God. So I’ll just sit here and wait upon the Lord.

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west,
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

- East to West, Casting Crowns

cinderella

2008-01-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time since my last entry and I've been debating whether to continue with writing this year, especially since I've just been too tired to write. This year's Christmas vacation didn't quite seem like Christmas or a vacation and I'm just lost in time. I know it's 2008 but it doesn't feel like a new year at all. I usually enter the new year with such a rush of hope and excitement but this year it's different. I promised myself that I would stop classifying days as 'good' and 'bad' but it's hard. My energy's been down so that's why I'm not quite in a writing mood either. But I realised that I need to continue just because my blog has been a reminder of God's grace to me and if I lose track of that, it'll be harder to find my way back if I get lost.

But I've found enough energy for this next post. Where from? From a little push of love. As I sit here listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's singing 'Cinderella' from his new album, I remember the little incident which happened a few days ago. This trip back to Dundee was quite an ordeal for me. I was terribly ill on the plane and spent about 4 hours lying on the floor of the plane, just outside the toilet. I was well enough to leave the plane on my own eventually but it was definitely a difficult experience. As I got out of the airport and sat on the bus, I thought to myself, I wish I had someone there with me, not for company really, but just to say a silent prayer for me. In any case, I was fine now and didn't give much thought to it.

Anyway, being out of the plane, I turned on my phone and found a few missed calls from my daddy. I wasn't sure why especially since he knew I was going to be on the plane but later he told me that he had felt such a burden to stop and pray for me. This is what the song 'Cinderella' reminded me of, how special fathers are. How my heavenly Father used my earthly father to intercede for me, even if we were thousands of miles apart. It is amazing how far love goes.

"So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone"

No matter how far I go, I know Cinderella will always be daddy's girl.

rebuilding the broken

2007-12-12T06:37:00.001-08:00

Ever get the feeling that you're not as resilient as you thought you were? Well, I did. I thought I could push on easily with my life as I always do and not let emotions get in the way. But all you need is one little crack in the wall for the dam to burst. Yesterday was my 22nd birthday and to be honest, I thought that it didn't really bother me anymore that I was all alone in Stirling, away from my friends. What's one birthday and really, you just have to get on with your life don't you?

I started the day in theatre and although it wasn't an eventful day, it wasn't bad. As long as I didn't try to remember that it was my birthday, things were fine. But the day before, I read my sister's blog and seeing pictures of my family in Disneyland without me made me miss them more, naturally compounded by the fact that I was all alone in Stirling. Then of course, by the afternoon, I'd got texts from people saying 'Happy Birthday'. I loved it of course but then it makes it harder to forget. With little persuasion, I bolted back to Dundee for the night and went for dinner with Janet. And I had such a great time because she put so much effort in trying to make me smile after that dismal day. When I returned home, I found letters in my mailbox from my family in the Philippines and tears just flooded my eyes. I was so touched by all the warm greetings I'd received from so far away.

Maybe a birthday is just a birthday after all, but it's the people that I have been blessed with that make it special. It's not about the parties, the cake or the presents, it's about having even just one person who would do anything to make you smile. Guess I'm not as much of a loner as I'd thought, but the love I have been given has built me up and I'm stronger than I was now.

the ties that bind...

2007-12-01T04:55:00.000-08:00

So I came to the conclusion quite a few months ago that the year 2007 had been such an amazing year that I was ready to start the next year. What I had realised was that the complacency of such a thought would be my downfall. God was bringing me through each day and I never quite realised the power of subconscious thought. I never realised that slowly the passion that I had had just a few months ago was but a glowing ember. I was fading out so slowly that I never quite knew it. I had taken the backseat just because the ride had been so excellent and at the back of my mind, I was going to kick in towards the end of the year and plan for 2008.

Then what comes of the few months in between? They obviously don’t go away and when it comes to a stage like this that we don’t realise, you lose precious time for God and with him as well. I guess the realisation came when all I wanted to do was go to bed at the end of a hectic day, instead of spending time meditating in God’s presence. For a few weeks, there had been things brewing in my mind that I just couldn’t put down, like projects, meetings and all the whatnots along the way. I needed a timeout and my time away in Stirling would probably give me that. Unfortunately, my first week was an absolute shambles and I was close to tears because of the atrocious week I’d had.

That weekend my friends and I were going to the Delirious concert and was probably the thing I needed to perk me up again. I enjoyed myself immensely but what I also was a singer just trying to communicate God’s message to the people, but what he had were crowds cheering and screaming for him while reading Isaiah 61. It made me think of Acts 14, when Paul and Barnabas were hailed as gods and although people heard them, they weren’t really listening. How easily the mind gets caught up in these delusions and we hardly notice it. We follow the messenger and not the one who sent it. After thousands of years, man is still man.

But that was what I needed to see, these fetters that have got us tied to this world. I needed to break these ties that bind. That’s why I had such a bad week, I relied so much on my own strength and I’d forgotten to call on the one person who did have the strength I needed. I’d asked God to give me a good day but then start out with trepidation. Obviously there was faith lacking there. Finally, when I got down on my knees and let go of everything, I could see God working. I had an amazing week in Stirling and things couldn’t have gone more smoothly with all the projects and everything I had to do.

To be honest, God makes me laugh with the way he’s done everything. I may not always understand it, but he really does have a great sense of humour.

More than a memory

2007-11-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

Remember..

The global day of prayer has been an event highlighted in the past few years, where countries unite in prayer – praying for countries, world leaders, churches, organisations, families and the heart of every individual to beat in sync with the love of Christ.

Yet many of us forget one important part of the church, so rightly named the Underground Church. I’m sure many of you recall how Paul and Silas caused an earthquake with their worship. It started within the prison walls. The fire of the Holy Spirit may have been toned down to a minimum in our churches of today, but the Holy Spirit is still very much alive in the underground church, fuelled by the passion of the Christians who have dared their all for Christ. Revival seems like an everyday occurrence in the underground church.

But surely the movement of the Holy Spirit can’t be caged by prison walls. Well, it’s not. But we’ve got the Holy Spirit on thermostat. We’ll turn the heat up when we’re feeling cold, and down when we’re feeling too warm. Unless we learn to move with the Spirit, we won’t see revival. There are reports of revival coming from all over the world – Brazil, Nepal, Mexico, Mongolia, Kenya, South Korea. But the only way we can bring revival to the place we are in is through prayer.

So where do we go from here? We were created to worship God, with every fibre of our being. Not just in song but in spirit and in truth. We need to worship him for the wonder that he is, and we just need to get down on our knees and pray. Prayer moves mountains, so if more of us start praying, then we’re going to be moving many more mountains.

In Hebrews 13:3, Paul writes “Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.” Paul asks that we join them in their chains – the chain of prayer. Don’t break this chain. Don’t keep looking inwards, look at the needs of others and remember the persecuted.

Many of those who are persecuted have not seen daylight for years, some have waited 20 years to own a bible and many still waiting, and even more leave behind families in need. Their freedom has been taken from them, their property, their families, but no one can take their faith from them. Every year, more and more Christians are being martyred for their faith, for their apostolic passion. The time of persecution is not coming to an end, it is barely beginning.

November 11 2007 is the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. For many, it’s a day to remember those fallen in the Great War. But this year, there’s another reason to remember November 11. Remember this day and stand together with our brothers and sisters. When you pray with passion, the Holy Spirit will give you the same passion that is alive in the underground church. You already have the fire within you, just don’t keep it to yourself. Don’t forget, Jesus himself said ‘No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.’

Just let the Holy Spirit guide you as you pray and remember Ezekiel 47:12 –

“Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."

And so may it be for us too, that our leaves never wither, nor our fruit fail.

the pure venetian

2007-10-05T14:36:00.001-07:00

Just the other night I watched a documentary about the woeful story of Venice, told by a Venetian who had helplessly watched the true beauty of the city be eroded by the romantic fantasies of British literary figures such as Lord Byron and Charles Dickens. The tranquillity of Venice seemed to be slowly torn apart by their imaginations. Despite the words that flourished from their pen, none had portrayed Venice as it truly had been. The Venice that they spoke of was an idyllic picture that existed only in their dreams. Painters were no different from the writers. They combined different vantage points of the city to produce a perfect Venetian landscape. But it was far from accurate.

Nonetheless, these fantasies fanned many a tourists to the great canals of Venice and they still are today. Yet it would seem now that the biggest problem is not the sinking of the city, the Venetian population is already dwindling. The issue is, what does it mean to be a true Venetian? The documentary ends on a sad note, with two born and bred Venetians discussing what has become of Venice – the fake Murano glass, the multitude of tourist shops and the loss of heritage. Indeed so, I distinctly remember the streets lined with souvenir shops, with a McDonalds’ restaurant strewn in between. Forgive me for saying so but it does not seem quite so perfect to me.

Yet this false Venice draws such a striking parallel to the world of Christianity today. What does it mean to be a true Christian? It seems that the world Jesus created has been so desecrated by our false ideals. I refuse to believe that the true Christian is but a ghost of a memory, a shadow on a thought. The Venetian proudly traced his lineage to nearly 200 years back, where his ancestors were buried in the same city. We have a lineage 2000 years back and so easily, we’ve forgotten it. Many do not regard the Bible as the treasure it is. They do not see it as the epic story it is, written by the hand of God. Instead, it has become a battleground for empty debate. The church, once a dwelling for the Holy Spirit that was brought alive by the truest worship of believers, seems but a hollow building in so many places around the world.

Instead of beckoning others to buy the fake Murano glass in our windows, we forget that watching the true Murano glassblower at work attracts more people. It attracts people who want the real deal. It’s the same with the Christian. Words never have as much meaning as actions do. When others see that you are the real deal, you won’t need words anymore.

So how did people like Charles Spurgeon, John G. Lake and John Bunyan keep their passion alive for God? It had nothing to do with the era they were in. They just remembered who they were. They stayed true to who they were and who they were to born be. Venetian or Christian, all we need to do is – keep it pure.

my first love

2007-09-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

It’s been nearly a year since I first gazed upon the beauty of the Scottish highlands… standing there among the rising cliffs brought my thoughts back to when I first stood there. I look around me and I think of some of my favourite artists – Da Vinci, Van Gogh, but none of them could paint a picture such as this. No one has an imagination like God, and no one could ever put so much effort into perfecting every little detail. A song plays through my mind again and again – it’s called The Love of God by Sandi Patti, and it starts “What made God take so much care to make creation glow? He could have made it black and white, and we’d have never known.” Yes, I do wonder, what would the world seem like in black and white.

The summer is nearly over, but the flowers are still in perfect bloom. Man may be able to clone sheep, and even themselves one day… But I doubt that man will ever be able to create a flower as God has. I saw all the splendour of this world contained in a single white rose. Could man ever do that? Perhaps this is a good reminder of not only the perfection of our Father, but all the imperfections of ourselves.

Going back to the Scottish highlands tempted me into going through all my blog entries again, for it was much about the time when I had opened up to share with others all that was in my heart. There always seems a danger in being too transparent, a fear that I had always harboured within me. Nonetheless, God finally showed me that I was selfish to keep all his blessings to myself and so my blog was born. And as I read through them again, it seemed that I had forgotten some of the things I had written, so small but yet so significant in molding me. And it tells me that I am on my way towards becoming the person God wants me to be, even if just an inch at a time. But what is contained in my blog – nothing but grace upon grace. I have known the full measure of grace that my heart can contain, so overwhelming it could break your heart. Yet I know somehow that the grace God has to give far exceeds that. I find that through the years, I have so little trials to speak of, I don’t know why. Maybe God has not tested as I deserve, but then the grace he gives always surpasses any heartbreak I have ever been through. Yesterday in Edinburgh, the song of the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace filled the air and oh what a beautiful song it is indeed. I think I should never tire of hearing its message. One other thing I realise, despite all the colourful words contained in the English language, I always seem to run out of vocabulary so quickly when it comes to describing the glories of our Father and Creator. Indeed, he is beautiful beyond description, too marvelous for words.

three in one

2007-08-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

For the past 3 years, I’ve been living a ‘double life’, going back and forth through Singapore and Dundee hasn’t always been the easiest, having to pick up pieces of my life here and there. But within a week or so, I’ve usually settled back into the scheme of things. But things have just become more complicated. Having lived in the Philippines for 7 weeks, I’ve created a life that I became very reluctant to leave. I wondered how difficult it would be now to combine these three separate lives into one. My thoughts float back to the Philippines every five minutes, but the precious memories I carry and the new things I have learnt have helped me to integrate these lives into one. I’m finally learning how to live every part of my life for God. I see things in a different perspective now and to be honest, it’s just great.

One common thread that runs through all three is my status of a ‘grandmother’. This is what my friends seem to have recognised, and perhaps why I am so drawn to geriatrics. Everyone tells me that I seem to think like one. What it actually means I really don’t know but then I’ve come to agree with that. I feel that my life has been so abundant that I’ve lived 80 years in these 21 years. I’ve been so blessed that even if there were no tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter. I could not ask for more than I already have. One thing I’ve always kept in my mind is that tomorrow will be better than next and the next year would always be better than the previous. But having looked at 2007, it’s already been so wonderful. I don’t know how my next 5 years could be much better, much less 20 or even 40 years. Sometimes I get scared at the wonderful plans God has for my life. I know they will be big and right now it seems just too big for my little mind to conceive. Indeed, God is good.

the stones cry out

2007-07-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Luke 19:40

To be honest, it’s scary to be so sure of something at this age. Yet many times I tell myself that my age should not matter. After all, Jesus reminds us of how important to keep that child like faith. But I find that there is a strange call for me in the Philippines. One that came so subtly I did not even realize it. I cannot explain what it is. The words of Exodus 2:22 still ring in my head. Louder still with each time I return and it’s a little unnerving. Is this where my exodus is? Wouldn’t you think it’s too early to tell? I suppose my human nature is beginning to get scared at the greatness of God’s plans for me. Maybe God is fast tracking me. At first I thought it was the people, but in my heart I know that it’s more than that. It’s more than the scenery, the community, even the dirty ice cream and the kamote tops. It’s something much deeper. The stones are crying out, I hear it.

Here in the Philippines, I’m lifted to the highest I can reach. I would dare anything for God and I’ve experienced riches my heart thought it would never know. I’ve learnt to embrace love in its full strength, to reach a point I could only dream of. I have known more of the person I wanted to become, the me I thought I would only know when senility took over everything else. Is it possible? Indeed, I am far from perfect, but to have come so far is quite inconceivable for me. I’ve forgotten what sorrow or anger is. I don’t know the meaning of bitterness anymore. I’ve learnt the meaning of true forgiveness and giving. How could I have been given so much in such a short time?

I left Puerto a day earlier before the rest of the team. I thought it wouldn’t matter, but in all honesty, that one day seemed like an eternity. I could not even pen the word ‘friends’ for they have become a family to me. That is the only thought that remains, the only love that could bring such tears and joy to my heart. My family is God’s blessing to me, but to have such a beautiful spiritual family who seems to know your every thought and understands your heart as Jesus does just seems too great a blessing.

As I leave, I feel something unexplainable calls me to return. Could this be the Holy Spirit placing this burden or desire in my heart? I have known the peace of God in my heart before, the peace that surpasses all understanding. But despite this peace that I feel, whenever I think of returning, there comes this unsettling feeling that is calling me. Unsettling only because that call is so strong that it seems a little scary.

25 July came and it was finally time for me to go home. But five minutes before we boarded our flight back to Manila, I decided to change my flight back to Singapore. Of course I did it for personal reasons, but God’s ways are higher than our ways and in the end, He’ll work out what is best. I didn’t quite think it all the way through, and as I sat on the plane I prayed, “Lord, if it be your will to let me stay, then let me stay. If not, take me from this place.” If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, God’s timing is perfect to the last millisecond, and just like Esther, I am in a particular place and time for a reason. Eventually, my ticket was changed without much hassle and God really paved the way for me to stay those extra days.

In those 4 days, I was really blessed to spend more time with them. I even got to watch Don Moen in concert, which was so amazing because I was upset that I was going to miss it. I can’t remember when the last time I laughed so hard or smiled so much was. Those wonderful days finally came to an end, but as I got ready to board the plane back to Singapore, there were tears in my eyes, but still, I felt much more settled than I did 4 days ago. At Singapore immigration, the queue for Singaporeans always writes ‘Welcome Home’. Usually, I greatly anticipate reading that message, especially when I return home from the UK. Yet this time, it was different. Home? I don’t know. Home is where the heart is, they say. This time around, I left little bits of me all over the Philippines – my sock in Amas, my hairbrush in Puerto, my pillow in Baler and maybe something else in Tacloban, but I think I left my heart behind too. Just for now, I know that the sun has set on my time here this year. But I will wait patiently for that sunrise with great anticipation. Now I know how Abraham must have felt in Moriah, when he met God on the mountain. And now I know that this is why I am so drawn to Palawan, it’s God. It’s the brooding of the Spirit, just waiting for an explosion to begin the next awakening. And I know that I definitely want to be there when that happens.

their stories must be told...

2007-06-23T20:11:00.001-07:00

How nice it is to be finally back in Puerto... In the last 5 days, I have spent over 30 hours travelling to the different communities. We've flown in a 19-seater plane, sailed in a bumboat, ridden in the back of a dump truck and squeezed in a bus like sardines in a can. These roads weren't easy, and there are many who would not be willing to tread these dirt roads. I myself confess that there is some reluctance in me to repeat the journey, but so often, we sing about how we would be willing to go to the ends of the earth to reach God's people. And if we're going to go to the ends of the earth, we've got to get there somehow.

The funny thing is, just over a year ago, I'd have to be dragged onto that little plane. My fear of flying is no secret. But then when you're doing it for God, it's a funny thing, he gives you the courage to face it.

Coron is a place of poetic beauty and romanticism, where you find your imagination captive to the beauty of nature. The famous lakes, mountains, hot springs and reefs of Coron have attracted many tourists to its beautiful shores. But beneath this glorious facade lies another story, well-hidden from its visitors. As we took the boat to the community, our companions took the time to point out the island resorts on our way there. Yet on nearby shores there are communities plagued by diarrhoea and malaria. Everyday is a struggle to survive. In one community, there was a child not 2 years of age suffering from diarrhoea. Diarrhoea? So what? What a minor ailment it would seem to us. But how my tune should change on learning that the polluted water source and lack of medical supplies or facilities would not afford him more than 2 days to live. Herein lies a land screaming out for help, especially medical help, but their cries are quickly dissipated by the waves, and drowned out by the laughter of happy tourists on neighbouring shores.

This is but one sad tale in the multitude. As we carried on with our work, we found another community who had to be relocated because their island had been purchased by a foreigner to make way for 'greater developments', in this case, a casino. But relocating a community has never been easy, and promises not always fulfilled. As I look at the children playing nearby, I cannot help but sigh. Who will tell them that their future is full of uncertainty? Who will tell them that their home, land and livelihood will be lost to make way for this greedy enterprise?
There are many more stories to be told, not uncommon at all. The last leg of our journey back to Puerto is a 14-hour ferry ride – which gives me much time to reflect and dream. Despite having visited the beautiful Makinit hot spring and Kayangan lake, it is not these places which hold my thoughts. I remember the people I have met and leave behind, each with a story to tell. Maybe a story of woe, of joy, of pain, of laughter too, but each one a story of tenacity and courage.

the last frontier

2007-06-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

Having travelled so much on my own, perhaps it would take much to ruffle me. Yet I find that my human nature is still prone to its fits of flurry and panic. I find also that I am often alone in my school of thought, although I admit that this is of little consequence to me. I am referring to the human inclindation of travelling in numbers. Of course, there are advantages of travelling in groups, but panic also tends to multiply in greater numbers. Not only that, it has a tendency to bring on a wave of 'what if's' and 'should have's'. I admit that in my solitary travel, there are moments of weakness where I have much desired a companion, especially to share the responsibilities of travel. However, there is also solace to be found. I find that I tend to rely more on God than on the flesh. It becomes easier to draw on the peace and strength that God has given me. Eventually when the sandstorm subsides, I always have ample time to screw my head back on.

Sometimes others think I have been on 'more than my fair share' of mission trips - at my age no less. Do I deny it? Indeed not! I have been strangely blessed. My age is no limitation to God, He will use me anyway. But I have come to find that God's ministry is like a drug, you can't get enough of it and you want more each time. So what do I mean by 'strangely blessed'? It is the most befitting term for the peculiar way all my trips have begun - things lost, flights delayed and all sorts. But this is just God's way of reminding me that his favour is upon me.

I've just completed the Condensed World Mission Course, and it's been nothing short of amazing. It is so refreshing to find that the dreams you have are nothing new, that there are so many others who have already gone before me. I've found difficulty putting this passion into words, but I found this beautiful article called 'apostolic passion' by Peter McClung, director of YWAM, which describes my exact sentiments, down to the very last letter.

"Apostolic passion, therefore, is a deliberate, intentional choice to live for the worship of Jesus in the nations. It has to do with being committed to the point of death to spreading his glory It's the quality of those who are on fire for Jesus, who dream of the whole earth being covered with the glory of the Lord... If you have apostolic passion, you are one of the most dangerous people on the planet. The world no longer rules your heart. You are no longer seduced by getting and gaining, but devoted to spreading and proclaiming the glory of God in the nations. You live as a pilgrim, unattached to the cares of this world. You are not afraid of loss. You even dare to believe you may be given the privilege of dying to spread his fame on the earth. The Father's passions have become your passions. You find your satisfaction and significance in him. You believe He is with you always, to the end of life itself. You are sold out to God, and live for the Lamb. Satan fears you, and the angels applaud you. Your greatest dream is that His name will be praised in languages never before heard in heaven. Your reward is the look of pure delight you anticipate seeing in His eyes when you lay at his feet the just reward of His suffering: the worship of the redeemed."

Oh I could go on and on about it, but when you have such excitement burning in your heart, could you possibly keep from imagining that someday God might consider you worthy to share in the crown of life? Impossible! I have no desire to be a renegade, a hero, a rebel or anything of the sort. I just want to answer this calling that I have been given. Now I know what it feels like to be a burning coal in the bonfire. And there is no other feeling in the world quite like it. Here there are so many who burn even more brightly than I do, and their fire only seeks to fuel mine. How wonderful it is indeed!

Palawan is well known as 'the last frontier' in the Philippines. Exactly so. Here we are learning about how we need to go to the unreached nations, to be tentmakers, to the very last frontier. There are still thousands of people groups still unreached all over the world today. I am not the first to go, nor will I be the last. But go we must, and go we will.

too young to know...

2007-06-12T05:18:00.000-07:00

It's been about 6 weeks since my last post just because I've been too busy to write anything since the exams... These 6 weeks have been such a whirlwind... I've had my exams, passed them by God's grace and also had a wonderful SSC in ophthalmology... My career path still seems somewhat undecided - a hard fight between geriatrics and ophthalmology... perhaps someday soon I won't find myself so torn between the two. I've missed writing entries in my blog, but my time has not been my own and I've been much too busy writing articles to do anything else... The last time I'd worked so hard was probably my A levels... :) Nonetheless, it's been an exciting journey and I have learnt so much. I've had my dream hospital attachment as I'd wanted, and made beautiful friends... Sadly, that journey has to be put on hold for now and I will continue in Philippines where I left off the last time. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the next 6 weeks... nor do I know where I will be going... I just know that as always, the next day will be better than the next! :)

For the past few weeks, my mind has been wandering back to thoughts of the movie 'Amazing grace'... There are two quotes which continuously linger my mind... the first of which is 'we are too young to realise that certain things are impossible for us.' said by Pitt the younger (in the movie). I find that it is indeed a beautiful sentiment, somewhat contrary to what the world has always taught us. The other quote which has been haunting me was said by John Newton, 'my memory fails but two things I remember - I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior.' How I pray that when my dementia finally sets in, that these are the truths that will remain with me.

Tomorrow I will fly to Palawan and I am excited to see my friends again, to once again share the dreams and thoughts which caught our passion, to serve those who are in need, to discover more of who I am and who I can become, and of course, to ride a carabao and eat balut!

effected by grace

2007-04-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.” 1 Corinthians 15:10

As I sat there in my bed and read this verse, such a flood of emotion came over me – an awesome wave of love and grace just came washing over me, so strong it could break your heart in two. This must have been the amazing grace that John Newton wrote about in the hymn and truly there is no other word to describe it except ‘amazing’.

My entire blog has been a testimony of God’s grace to me… Each day, each step, each path and looking back from as far as I can remember, I understand what Paul meant by saying ‘by the grace of God, I am what I am’. Without God’s amazing grace, I couldn’t possibly imagine where I would be now, if I would be at all.

Junior college was the start of my journey as a jesus freak, and yet despite my church and school ministry, most of my time was spent studying. So the only way it seemed that I could really glorify God was through my results. So I studied hard for my exams. I chose a path towards which I felt could help me serve better, but nonetheless, I didn’t want studying to be all that I could give to God.

I discovered the mission field and put all my energy into it because I loved it so much and loved it because I loved God. Things just seemed so perfect. But unfortunately, I could only spare little time to stay… Being a student still meant that studying and exams were to constitute a sufficient portion of my time. Yet with the numerous activities going on through the year and only one final exam at the end of the year, it seemed like I’d forgotten quite how to study as I did while in Singapore. I’d forgotten that the grace of God was also apportioned to my exams, not just my ministry. And again in 1 Corinthians 15:39 Paul writes, “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because that you know that your labour is not in vain.” To give myself FULLY to the Lord, meant not just in my ministry, my personal life, but also my studies… I guess it just seemed that there wasn’t much studying to be done all year so I’d forgotten. This labour is for God, not for me. Exams are coming up in a few days and being motivated by God’s grace has really helped to push me on in studying, something I’ve not done in a while.

To God Be The Glory.

through heaven's eyes

2007-03-30T03:58:00.000-07:00

“Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:4

Children are the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Maybe they are here too on earth. After all, in many countries, children are considered a precious commodity and even have a price on their head. Yet this sad truth is a far cry from what Jesus had in mind.

Human trafficking, an industry built solely on the exploitation of others through means of slavery. There are about 27 million people in slavery across the world; and of these, an estimated 1.2 million children are trafficked each year. These children are being forced into hard labour, military service, begging and worst of all, prostitution. Human trafficking is currently the fastest growing industry, generating over seven billion dollars a year.

25th March 2007 marked the 200th anniversary of the abolition of the slave trade in 1807. However, this victory was only won after a long and hard fight by one of the most renowned abolitionists in the world – William Wilberforce.

In celebration of the 200 years past, the film Amazing Grace, was released. Amazing Grace documents the life of William Wilberforce, and how one man struggled to change the world. William Wilberforce was born in Hull in 1759, and at the mere age of 21, he was elected into the House of Commons. In 1784, Wilberforce embarked on a life-changing spiritual journey and was faced with a decision – to serve the Lord, or to continue his political career. Under the guidance of a clergyman, John Newton, Wilberforce resolved to dedicate his life wholly to God, whilst serving in politics. This newfound faith sparked his passion for the abolition of slavery and the reformation of society.

Wilberforce introduced many bills year after year, all of which were defeated. Yet through his tenacity and determination, together with the support of petitions signed by the British citizens, the bill was passed in 1807 with a large majority. Later in 1833, just before his death, a bill for the abolition of slavery across all British colonies was passed.

It’s been 200 years, and it’s hard to believe that modern-day slavery exists. It is even more difficult to grasp the idea that it is one of the most flourishing trades in the world. To so many people, the idea of slavery remains a thing of the past. If this is the case, then how has the world come to this state? We need to raise awareness among our family, our friends and our society, that slavery is still a very real problem in this world. We can join in the fight against human trafficking through signing petitions, joining campaigns and raising funds.

William Wilberforce was only 21 when he entered the House of Commons, and as Paul reminds us in 2 Timothy 4:12, “Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” We are never too young to start changing the world for God.

Jeremiah was called to the Lord’s service, and he said, ‘I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.’ But the Lord told him “Do not say ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you.” (Jeremiah 1:4-8) Even before we were born, God had already set us apart to do great things for him. We may still be children in the eyes of man, but God has already equipped us to do the impossible from the day we were born.

And one question now remains – where are the William Wilberforces of today?

signs and wonders

2007-03-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

“Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.” 1 Samuel 10:7

One thing I’ve found difficult, was asking God for personal things. Maybe for ministry, for friends, for family, for the world, but for myself – it was difficult. That was another reason why I was afraid to go back to Singapore or to Dundee. I was afraid to get caught up again in the material world, so fixed on acquiring little luxuries, like clothes, shoes and accessories we just didn’t need. It definitely isn’t sinful to have property, money, a family or anything like that. Still, it didn’t change the fact that I just couldn’t ask for it.
In 1 Samuel 9 and 10, Saul was anointed king by Samuel. He certainly didn’t ask for it but God blessed him with it. You would think that someone would be happy being appointed king and just take it, but no, Saul didn’t. He questioned how someone as insignificant as him could be blessed with something so great. Instead of just receiving the blessing, he asked God for more signs to be sure. God didn’t call him ungrateful and then take it back; he gave him so many signs that there was no more space for doubt. And finally God told him that when these signs were fulfilled, he should pick up his task, for God was with him.
And I find I’m like that. Before I could even ask God for something, I had to be sure he wanted me to have it. I could never really bring myself to ask God for personal things. So I asked for signs that to be sure that God accepted my request. To my utter surprise, God fulfilled these signs. To be honest, it took me a while to grasp my head around it. Now I know that I can keep holding on to that request, because God has granted me his favour and given me his promise.
Indeed, now I know what Psalm 37:4 truly means ‘Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.’ God delights in the well-being of his servant (Psalm 35:27) and when we are willing to give our lives to serve him, he will not withhold any good thing from us.

Joy Overflowing

2007-02-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.”

For so long I had been praying for God to show me how I could use my summer holidays to serve him. Of course we serve him in our daily lives, but this was time freely at my disposal and I wanted to dedicate every bit of it to God. Of course there were many things that I could do, but I wanted him to put me where he thought I could serve him the best. Because if we don’t use all we have to serve him to our full potential, then what is the point?

As I continued to pray, I saw so many amazing things happen over the days. God made my paths straight and opened so many doors. From the very day that he had given me the green light, he also provided everything that I needed. I had no worries at all. I told God that I was willing to go anywhere he would send me, all he had to do was to tell me where and I would do it all, no matter what it took. But that’s not the love of a father. He did everything for me. And through this, I work harder every day towards becoming a missionary. I know that even if he sent me to a difficult place, I would never need to worry because he would provide everything for me. And this is just his promise in 2 Corinthians 9:8 – “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, you will abound in every good work.” So now we can go forth – BY GRACE ALONE.

the promised land

2007-02-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve been to the Promised Land…
“And I have promised to bring you… a land flowing with milk and honey.” Exodus 3:17
Or so that’s what they tell me – Palawan is the land flowing with milk and honey… Perhaps in some ways, it is like the Promised Land, where the people live in freedom to praise their Lord. Every other street has a huge sign directing people to church, and people are also proud to wear their faith on their T-shirts. Even tricycles display Scripture verses on the front. Local artists are proud to tell the world that they are Christians and the newspapers have daily Bible readings for the people to follow.
It may seem quite subtle, but to me, it feels like a bit of a release being able to share so freely. It’s really amazing.
After going through training, I feel that I’ve learnt so much, especially spiritually. I’ve picked up courage in sharing His Word and sometimes I see people next to me and think if I were to share with them how I’d start. God is truly amazing.
So at the end of my trip, I gave a testimony in church and I was really nervous but it was also great to share all that God had done for me. And at the end of it, I sung one of my favourite songs – how could I ask for more.

How could I ask for more

There’s nothing like the warmth
Of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight
Being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing momma’s face goodnight
Holding daddy’s hand
Thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide-and-go-seek
Being so in love
That you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark
When there’s no one else around
Being bundled ‘neath the covers
Watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I’ve made along the way

So if there’s anything I’ve learnt
From this journey I’m on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cos there are questions without answers
And flames that never die
And heartaches we go through
Are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord
Thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

The Cost of Following Jesus
“I have become an alien in a foreign land.” Exodus 2:22
Another matter on my mind was that of being away from home. I know my parents always wish that I would spend more time at home but today I realised that when we are called by God to go, there is no stopping us.
As it writes in Luke 9:61-62
Still another said, “I will follow you Lord, but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
I know that if I want to follow Jesus, there’s no turning back. I have to pay the cost; I have to give up my family. But God always gives back.
I’ve never been quite interested in short-term mission trips. I’d always wanted to stay in a place for a long time and do God’s work there. As of now, I don’t know where but amidst my flood of thoughts, God gave me this word “IN THIS LAND I WILL DWELL.”
Wherever I go, I’m covered in prayer by my family at home, and he’s given me a spiritual family in the land that I’m in.
Just as Moses left Egypt and resided in Midian, so I too will find a home in another land.
I don’t know where I will go or where this place is, but I know now that I’m meant to leave my home and go to wherever God calls me. Maybe that’s why the Ten Commandments and the story of Moses has been my favourite since I was 4 years old – someday I will have my Exodus and become an alien in a foreign land.
TO THE END, LORD, TO THE VERY END.

Stripped
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart.” Job 1:21a
In coming here, I find that I was pushed to my limits – physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Honestly it was the most challenging trip of my life, such that I even began to question and wanted to go home. This year I have Scriptures as my resolutions or commandments to live by for 2007. One of them is Phil 4:12 “I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” And leaving Singapore to live as a missionary seems as though I would be in want. Even I believed it for awhile compared to what I enjoyed, but later realised that I am not at all in want and never have been. I have never had lack of food, water and shelter. Even though I have less, I still live in abundance. When we were in Malia, we sat there enjoying canned food and rice, but the children barely had any food and we even shared our rice with them, which was all they had. Even staying out in Amas, I lived in a beautiful house covered with a blanket of stars at night. There was more than enough food on the table, we didn’t even need to fetch water because we were one of the rare few with a faucet, plus there was electricity. And as the Lord has promised good to me, in Psalm 23:1, “I shall never be in want.”

Moving mountains
“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
I’ve never climbed a mountain, and at 890m above sea level, it sounded daunting. But having never done it, I didn’t know what to expect either. Even now, I can’t say if it was easier or more difficult than I expected. I can’t say that I climbed a mountain either. It wasn’t a mountain to me, because I just concentrated taking one step after another. That was all that mattered. And I thank God for giving me spiritual eyes to see. Even looking back at my journey over the past year, there’s never been leaps and bounds, they’re little steps. And when I slipped on the mountain, there was always a friend to pick me up, just as when I faced trials, God has always been there to pick me up. I’ve always been one to plan my life months ahead. Even now, as I pray for where God wants to send me, the things I pray for are still many years away. I think too much about the future. But He’s shown me that it’s just the next step there and then that really matters and if we just keep focussed on him, He will lead us there. So I’ve finally learnt to take things one step at a time and trust in Jesus now.
We joked about how the mountain didn’t move, but perhaps my mountain did move. I didn’t see it as a mountain – my mountain was indeed gone! I just didn’t quite realise it.
Of course, the other reason for my wonderful trip was also my wonderful friends, who always looked out for me, took care of me, and best of all, laughed with me. They were there to catch me when I slipped and to extend a hand when I needed it.
The one thing I have really been dwelling on is the word that God gave to me – “In this land I will dwell,” and the next day he gave me the verse Exodus 2:22. God always has perfect timing, so maybe he gave me this verse at this time for a particular reason. Honestly, I don’t know but one thing I do know, God will reveal his purpose in His time.
I love the song In Me by Casting Crowns and now I really know the meaning of it. If someone needed help, I’d go in a heartbeat and climb up again. And I’d do it again and again. Now I know in my heart for sure that if God called me to the hardest of places, I’d go. There’s nothing stopping me now.
So through my time there, God has opened my eyes to see the needs of the people, the power of prayer, the hearts of missionaries, the dedication of his servants, the steadfastness of his soldiers, the faith of his anointed, the love of friends, the joy of fellowship, the beauty of creation and the abundance of his blessings.
Indeed, how could I ask for more?

a love to last forever

2006-12-31T03:11:00.000-08:00

Well I suppose I’ve mentioned it many times already, that 2006 has truly the best year of my life. And perhaps today is the best day to reminisce about the year gone by. It’s really flown by but I’ve no regrets.

Today is our Watchnight service and my favourite part of it is covenant renewal where we remember the covenant we made with God.

O Mighty God, the Lord Omnipotent, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, You have now become my Covenant Friend. And I, through Your infinite grace, have become your covenant servant.
So be it. And let the covenant I have made on earth be ratified in heaven. Amen.

I’m excited for the new year. Here are some of my Scriptures for 2007 –

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst.” 1 Timothy 1:15

"... I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Ephesians 4:1

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:12,13

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering." Hebrews 13:3

Lastly, to conclude my last entry for the year, to everyone – thanks for being a part of my life.

I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at you –

My family: daddy mummy jo mingche poppy eeee1&2 kongkong kaofu eepor mama remy

My second family: auntieconnie uncleshihming auntiesohwai simone samantha auntiedaisy auntiehannah zelda maxine khai lunpi sumnu khup ginboy mung gochin karman katie naemi vanessa leilei ciim thuzar kkhaing

My Eden: amaraa ganaa uyanga badnaa bayaraa

My friends: philip feli jac tara jan charl sadia katherine maggie sarah rach nessie wendy rosie lauren eleri xiubs marilyn chels belinda siewchoe terence ben jon tanu kris tsin na

My song: nat manyun zhaoxin eric joyce chingling york debbie cynthia khingaun

My medicine: josephine wanling trisse boonling dorcas theresa sarinah mel sumathi laikiow

I guess I’ve forgotten quite a few names, but to one and all, YOU ARE LOVED.

and the gift goes on...

2006-12-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

And now I realise that our dreams are poor reflections of the great things God has in store for us.

I’ve been given the greatest gift of all and experienced the greatest love story of all time – the love of God given to me in a baby born under the brightest star.

Every year has been a gift from God to me but this year has been more for than I could ever ask for. Thoughts have been battling in my head the past 4 months, wondering what to do and where to go next summer. But as I continued to pray, I found that my path became clearer. I’ve gotten many Christmas presents, but of course none can top the Christmas present that God has given me this year… :)

I received another wonderful Christmas present – with my friends from Myanmar, Mung and Khup, coming to Singapore for a visit. I’ve always been waiting for my friends to visit me, so it was so great to be able to show them parts of Singapore. I bumped into them again the next day at the church’s Christmas carnival and had lots of fun as well.

This Christmas truly has been the best ever! For I have also been given the gift of giving, and this is my prayer: that I might be able to give my all for him.

And the gift goes on,
The Father gave the Son,
And the gift goes on,
The Son gave the Spirit,
And the gift goes on,
The Spirit gives us life,
So we can give,
The gift goes on…

close by me forever, and love me i pray

2006-12-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

Munich's Christmas market
I'm finally back home in Singapore, but before that, Jo and I tried to take in a bit more of the world

I had an amazing time in Munich and Nuremberg and spent a day with Naemi and Vanessa. It was so great to see them again after so long and we went all around Nuremberg, and of course, the Christmas markets! The next morning, we went to Naemi's church and had a lovely lunch... :) Obviously I didn't quite understand the service (although thankfully for Vanessa's translation), I really loved the songs and meeting people :)

I really loved being in Germany and the warm Christmassy atmosphere, but most of all, seeing Naemi and Vanessa again brought back so many fond memories of my time in Myanmar... :)

So I'm finally back home in Singapore. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends and family again... :) Perhaps singing Christmas carols and eating turkey and stuffing too, but most importantly, to remember that Christmas isn't just about songs and birds... :) It's about presents! To remember the greatest gift of all.. Jesus.

Be near me Lord Jesus,
I ask thee to stay.
Close by me forever,
And love me I pray.
Bless all the dear children
In thy tender care
And fit us for Heaven
To live with thee there.

- Away in a Manger

the highland connection...

2006-11-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

Edinburgh sightseeing bus which I sat again with Jo :)
Last Sunday, Jo and I took a tour up to Loch Ness, Glen Coe and the Highlands... We travelled up from Edinburgh through Callander, Rannoch Moor, Glen Coe, Ben Nevis, Loch Ness, back down past the Spean Bridge, Blair Castle, Pitlochry, and then back to Edinburgh.. It was absolutely beautiful...

The waters of the lake were so still and peaceful and you could see the reflection of the mountains in them... And what can I possibly say about the beauty of Glencoe... The majestic snow-capped mountains just took your breath away.. It's a wonder how such a beautiful place could tell such a sad story.

As I mentioned earlier, I've a fetish for places untouched by man - so even the gloomy Rannoch Moor was quite a sight to behold. Few days have gone by since I left the Highlands behind.. But I still imagine myself up there among the beautiful mountains and lakes. I imagine it would be a wonderful place to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life and find time alone to spend with God.

How could I ask for more..?

2006-11-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Cor 2:9

The real question is not “am I called to go?” but “am I called to stay?”

Many people have asked me to start a blog. But I’d never quite considered the prospect of doing so. In addition, I have always been quite a private person and sharing my thoughts and experiences did not quite take my fancy. And yet I have now. Why the change? I believed that it was time to share my blessings and more importantly, remind myself of God’s goodness.

Never alone
The year ended with Mummy and Jo coming up to stay with me in bonnie Dundee. We then took a holiday in Italy and later London. On the first day of the Boxing Day sales, after lunch, we were all recharged to begin our shopping again. As I excitedly bounded into the shop, my phone dropped out of my bag. But I distinctly remember zipping my bag before leaving the restaurant. In that moment, I became frantic and realized my wallet was gone. I had been carrying a great deal of money as well. All along I had been so careful and had not seen this coming. Obviously. I had no mood to shop after that. I just kept wishing that I’d find my wallet back but I knew the chances of it were close to impossible. London was so huge plus with the added crowd of the Christmas sales, it seemed too much to hope for.
I returned to Dundee and spent the next few days in my flat, just thinking and watching television, waiting for my friends to return from their holidays. One day, Daddy called me to say that God told him that I would get my wallet back. I wanted to laugh it off because I was nearly on the other end of the UK, but I ‘d learnt better than to doubt, and what was more, I wanted my wallet back so badly, that I was willing to just hold out one last hope – even if it was a fool’s hope.
I returned to uni eventually and in less than a week on my return to Dundee, I received an email from a boys’ preparatory school in London. I was naturally surprised but it seems they had found my wallet! Praise God. I could not describe the happiness I felt. Within a week, my wallet was restored to me. The cards all intact even if every penny was gone. But I was so thankful. My parents remind me that I should also be thankful that I was just pick-pocketed and not confronted directly. The money can be replaced but a life cannot. Plus that person probably needed the money more than I did.

Streams in the desert
“… Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3:9
Lent was coming – which was also the time of the 40-day fast. I’d done the 40-day fast before but never remember completing it, or remember anything that came out of it. It seemed more like a diet. But this year, I asked God to reveal to me something new everyday. I asked for new revelations and to walk more closely with him.
Each day was refreshing for me. In those 40 days, I received such an awakening in my Spirit and could hear him speak so clearly. I spent much time dwelling in his presence and never wanted to be out of it.
I’d also never been that much of a prayer person, but God taught me also the power of prayer, and how I should pray. He ignited in me such a passion to pray - one that I never had before. For the first time in my life, I knew the meaning of victorious prayer, prayer that could overcome anything. It was such a breakthrough for me, and I felt so alive.

Evidence of Love
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Cor 13:13
In May, I returned home to do my SSC in the hospital back home. When I was at the hospital, my supervisor introduced me to a patient under his care. He asked me to write her life story, her thoughts, her feelings and experiences. She was terminally ill and initially, I had no idea how to deal with the question of cancer. But in the days that I got to knew her, I discovered a woman who had the most formidable profession – she was a mother. And she brought up 9 children single-handedly. She had such a pure love for the Lord and I will always remember her sweet countenance. I also became friends with her family members, which was such a wonderful time for me as well. At the end of the 4 weeks, I compiled her story into a scrapbook and read it to her. With tears in her eyes, she thanked me and thanked God for her life. I will always remember that moment. Getting to know her made me remember every reason for why I wanted to become a doctor.
Even after my project, I would continue to visit her and it really made my day when she smiled as I entered the room. About 2 months after getting to know her, her dawn had finally come and she fell asleep in the arms of our Lord. She was such a beautiful person, so full of love. Each time I looked at her, it was as though Jesus was looking back at me, and I will always treasure her in my heart.

Stepping out
“… live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Ephesians 4:1
This year, FMC embarked on a mission project – to send as many members on mission trips as possible. It reminded me of my desire to go on a mission trip.
For a long time I had wanted to go on a mission trip. As far as I can remember, I was about 16 years old. But things came up again and again and I never got the opportunity. This year I felt that God was telling me to go. For many nights, I could hear the words ‘Step out’ resound in my heart. This was the year to go, no more waiting, no more holding on, no more hesitating, it was now. Not now or never. It was NOW.
So finally I made my mind up to go. I didn’t know where t o go, when to go, who to go with. But one thing we know, God he does. And he just made all the arrangements for me.

Great expectations
“Keep not back,” Isaiah 43:6
It was fortunate for me that OM had such an opportunity for me to go alone, anytime I wanted. Part of me was afraid because I had never been on a mission trip but I felt at peace because I knew it was what God wanted. When I had my orientation, I was told not to expect much, especially since it was to be my first mission trip. But I couldn’t. From the day I planned to go, though my trip was going to be short, God told me to have great expectations. And those were the only two words which rang in my head the entire time. So I did. I expected great things from God. But even with the great expectations we have, we cannot limit God. Indeed his ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. I had a wonderful time, and I met amazing people in my short time there. People who really lived every day and every breath for God. They were so warm and so friendly.
I was so sad to leave. I wished that I could have stayed on so much longer, but I knew that in my heart God would bring me back there again soon. As it says in the bible, “For where your treasure is, there your heart shall also be.” I found my treasure in the Golden Land.

Remembering You by Steven Curtis Chapman
I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could staybut I'll, I'll wait for the day
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing and
I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You

Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing and
I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breath
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life
I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing and
I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You

Living Edens – Mongolia
“And God saw that it was good.” Genesis 1:10
After my short time in Yangon, I knew that I wanted to do missions. I wanted to live as a missionary long term not just go on short –term missions. But in the meantime, I continued my job at the hospital. A few weeks later, there was a medical mission trip going to Mongolia. I’d always wanted to go to Mongolia and even more so, on a medical mission trip. I didn’t think that there would be space for non-medical people so this was a great opportunity for me. I was wrong anyhow but that’s another story. Initially, I had trouble deciding whether to go. I’d just started work 2 weeks ago and returned from one trip. In my heart, I really wanted to go but needed to make sure it was what God wanted. That night, during my quiet time, God told me I needed to have a reckless faith. He reminded me that this was the time to ‘step out’. So I did.
I signed up for the trip less than a week before departure and met most of my teammates at the airport – Belinda, Siew Choe, Terence, Ben and Jonathan. I was filled with excitement but I must confess, a fair share of trepidation as well .
When I was there, we quickly made friends with many of them. It was so amazing to see people so on fire for God, and so hungry for his Word. They were so desperate to share the gospel with others; it was as though their lives depended on it. Somehow we forgot that that it really is the case. I looked at them and thought to myself, these were the kind of people John Wesley was talking about.
One day, we were on our way back from clinics, about 15 of us packed like sardines into a minivan. We were not far from the village when two policemen hailed a lift from us on the desolate road. There was barely any space, but they got in anyway. To my surprise, one of our friends took out a tract and started sharing the gospel with them. And in 5 minutes, he had finished telling them about Jesus. I was truly amazed at the passion he had in sharing the gospel. We often say that we don’t have the personality to be able to go up and share the gospel with someone, yet I find it is not the courage we lack, but the passion. If we were truly on fire for God, nothing would stop us from telling others the good news.
In Mongolia I also discovered my living Eden. The mountains with beautiful wild horses, the blue skies. Even the storms of lightning would take your breath away. And til now, I still dream of the beautiful stars – never in my life had I seen such a gorgeous sight. Then there was also the sunrise – I could scarcely describe the splendour of it. God’s creation is truly wonderful. As I looked around me, I imagined that it might have been what Eden might have looked like when God first created it – unspoiled by Man. For once, I experienced a touch of the true magnificence of our Lord and King.
Oh, not forgetting one other thing, I met the cutest little girl. She spoke as much English as much as I spoke Mongolian – essentially nothing. But we spent a few days in the garden blowing dandelions and playing on the see-saw. She even tried to teach me Mongolia n from the little chalk numbers and shapes drawn on the ground outside the kindergarten. We may not have spoken the same language, but it didn’t matter. Gestures and smiles were all we needed. It reminded me that love is the best language of all.

Falling in love
I saw the eyes of Jesus
In the starry skies above me
Passionately burning
I saw the blessings of Jesus
In the lightning storms
Unfathomable and unpredictable
I saw the promises of Jesus
In the rainbow across the sky
Unchanging through time
I saw the love of Jesus
In the rolling hills
Going on forever
I saw the smile of Jesus
In a little 8 year old
Only peace and only love
I saw my future in Jesus
In the eagles soaring above me
Reaching to the heavens
I saw the fire in Jesus
In the horses roaming free
Blazing across the land
All I have, I have in him
There is nothing to fear,
There is nothing to lose
For Heaven’s eternity
Now calls me home

Spiritual firepower
“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” Ephesians 6:18
My time in Mongolia was finally at an end. I went back to work for another 2 months and during that time, I felt that God was calling me back to Myanmar. I had hoped to stay at least 2 weeks there, but couldn’t get off work earlier, so my trip was shortened to 10 days. It made me wonder then if I should really go but eventually I decided God was calling me back. I didn’t know why but in the few weeks before going back, I felt the ravages of city life were beginning to take its toll on me. I spent much time trying to figure out what path my career should take and perhaps this was the perfect opportunity to take some time out and to be away from it all. Perhaps God had planned it as an escape for me.
I was so glad to see my friends again. I was happy to be away from the internet and the mobile phones. But as the days passed, I realized that I hadn’t come to find myself. My friends too were looking for direction and I realized that God brought me here to pray. My worries were nothing. He wanted me to pray for the people, for the land, for my friends.
Prayer is spiritual firepower that wages war in the invisible realm. God didn’t bring me away to have a rest and to find peace. He brought me there to wage war and to intercede for others. And the end of my ten days, it wasn’t any surprise that I was sad to leave, having made new friends and building old friendships. When I was there, I felt so at home. It was really like a second home to me, even though I had not been there long. Maybe someday soon I will return again – and for a longer period this time.

The hand of God
“You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.” Psalm 139:5
30 August – I was driving to TMFT to pick up my parents. I was happily driving on the expressway, trying to look out for the exit. The roads were slightly wet because it had just rained, but the sun was coming out again. As I continued driving, I realized I was about to miss the exit, so I made a sharp turn from the second lane toward the exit. At that very moment, the car skidded. In the space of seconds, I found myself veering to the left onto the green. In that moment of flurry, I tried to gain control of the car and turned the steering wheel to the right. Little did I know that it was the worst thing I could have done. The car then veered to the right into the metal railing and scraped the side of the car. I wanted to get out of the car and stop. But there was a huge tanker coming behind me and I knew I had to keep on driving. I was in so much shock. I could feel my hands and body cramp up, and I drove so slowly on the roads. All I could think of was where the turning was, and concentrated on getting to the car park. During that time, I was still in serious shock but it was as though I could feel something pressing on my chest. No, it wasn’t angina. It was a comforting feeling, and I remembered Psalm 139:5 “You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”
I finally reached the car park, the car and me both in one piece. But when I was finally parked, I sat there for a while just crying. I don’t know why, but I just did. But I know that all along God had been watching over me, that his hand was upon me.

Lockdown
3 Sept – I finally arrived in Glasgow airport. I was excited to be seeing my friends again and had made arrangements to meet them at the bus station. However, my luggage never arrived and by the time I had made a claim, I’d missed my bus. Plus, this was the first time I’d put my laptop in my luggage as I thought the new security measures would not allow me to carry them on board (although they did).
I got the train back to Dundee but it being a Sunday, the shops closed at 5pm on the dot, which means I wouldn’t be able to buy clothes and all. I thought things couldn’t get any worse… but on the train back, I saw this beautiful rainbow, and for the first time, I saw a full rainbow, from one end to the other. And I knew in my heart that God was promising to take care of me – from beginning to end.
On Monday, I managed to dig up some of my stuff from my friend’s place, and arranged to meet up with my landlord to discuss my flat which wasn’t ready. To my dismay, the builders pulled out and it wasn’t delayed, it wasn’t going to happen! He hadn’t told me that and I was completely frazzled. I was beginning to feel quite like Job for the first time in my life - no house, no luggage, no family and 3 best friends who wanted to help but just couldn’t.
Thankfully, I rented a place from Charlotte until I found a place. In the meantime, I still didn’t know what was going to happen next.
On Tuesday, while on the bus home, I received a call that this guy had my luggage and would be round to deliver in the next hour! I was very surprised but so happy. The day after, I went to view a flat and really liked it. So I sent in my application for it.
It seemed like things were finally turning around.
In the 3 days during which I didn’t have my laptop, I told myself I’d copy my important things onto CDs so I would have them. But just 4 days of retrieving my laptop, it dropped on the floor and the hard drive was damaged. I’d lost everything.

Consumed
“… Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:10
I began to question. I asked God what was next. Each time I trusted him more, the more he would give me trials to see if I could trust. I couldn’t see a reason for this. As I sat in silence with him that afternoon, the doubts cleared and he opened my eyes to see.
I’d said to a friend that I enjoyed being in Myanmar because with limited access to internet and no mobile phones, I could cut myself off from the stresses of this world. Although I found one thing difficult, to live in a city trying to run on technology but didn’t have the sufficient resources to sustain it. And God was trying to tell me I was wrong. He wanted to show me that even when I didn’t have all my files and documents, when everything was stripped away, things could still function. I didn’t need them. I wanted them and felt so uneasy without them, but God wanted to show me something greater.
In the first place, why am I fretting over computer files and my little problems when there are bigger things in the world? I think of my friends serving around the world, and I think of how in their service and ministry, they continuously fight this spiritual battle. And I should be joining them in this battle, instead of worrying about my little problems. I was so consumed by the wrong things. Now I knew why some of my friends became so tired after a few years in ministry, they’d been fighting this battle for so long, and instead of helping them, we were in our own world thinking of ourselves. We may be apart in distance, but I know that they can draw much strength from the prayers we say for them.

Just like heaven
Although I saw things in a different perspective, it didn’t change my circumstances. I still had a broken hard drive and no house to call my own. The one difference now was that I had faith to believe that God would turn things around. Somehow, someday. I didn’t know when. I was prepared for it to take a few months even. Perhaps it was wrong of me to limit God by my time but I was also getting desperate. I began searching for my flat once again. It seemed as though I’d never stop searching. From first year, all through second year, and now at the beginning of third year, it seemed that I was going to be a nomad forever! As I began my search, I started to wonder how long it would take to find a nice one, having been through the process so many times. But I fell in love with the first flat I saw, and within 4 weeks of coming back here, and that was only 2 weeks from the time I viewed it, I moved into my new flat. Things turned around so quickly. I’d always known God’s goodness but still he never ceased to amaze me the way he works. I don’t know why God has blessed me so much, for I will never understand the depth of his love; but I praise him for all he has done. I am glad to finally to have a place to call my home. No more searching, no more moving.

Left Behind
“Will Jesus come again and leave us slumbering where we lay?” –While you were sleeping
I’d always been a travel junkie. I wanted to see the world and I couldn’t find. Every holiday, I’d go into the travel agencies to pick up more travel catalogues to see where I could go. I wanted to go to big events like Christmas in the Vatican or Jerusalem, the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the Oktoberfest in Munich, the horse races in Siena. I’d always been the nut in the family who wanted to see the world with the world, to get trampled in the masses (as my family puts it)
I finally got to go to Germany and Austria. I saw my palaces, and I went on my Sound of Music tour, which I had been waiting to do for the longest time. I even saw the most beautiful snow-capped mountains and lakes outside Salzburg. But yet at the back of my mind, I could not keep out thoughts of my time in Yangon and Mongolia. Oh no, the sights I saw were definitely more than I had expected and I had such a wonderful time… but there was something wanting. God had changed something in me. Perhaps that train has finally left. And it’s left me behind. But I’m not sorry. It doesn’t matter anymore if I don’t get to see my castles, mountains, cathedrals. I know where I’m meant to be now. I’m waiting for Jesus to come again.

Grain of sand
“But who will go if we don’t? Not one. I would venture everything I have for Christ. Pity I have so little to give.” –David Livingstone
As the year ends, I look back at this year and it’s been the best year of my life, literally. This year has been my 21st birthday present from God and it’s been the best ever. And now I know that things can only get better.

I have seen how much I can do for the people around me, and what God has given me in order to bless others. At the same time, I have realized how little I can do on my own. I am nothing more than a grain of sand, but when I worked with my brothers and sisters to do God’s work, the blessings were tremendous.

Pity I have so little to give.

In Me by Casting Crowns

If you ask me to leap out of my boat on the crashing waves If you ask me to go preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

I’ll go but I cannot go alone cause I know I’m nothing on my own But the power of Christ in me makes me strong Makes me strong

Cause when I’m weak, you make me strong When I’m blind, you shine your light on me Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to know that You want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Yourstrength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
If You ask me to run
And carry Your light into foreign land
If You ask me to fight
Deliver Your people from Satan's hand
To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a Savior
To feel with Your heart
And to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory

“Now, who is willing to consecrate himself today to the Lord?” 1 Chronicles 29:5