I AM BORG

Over 2 months ago, I closed my blog... 'Why?' so many ask me... The answer is in the last post, revealed only to those who can read between the lines, or perhaps to those God chooses to reveal it to. It seems the bigger question at hand is why open it again. I am not sure really. Maybe I need it more than I realised.

Being a missionary is difficult, but being a missionary amongst non-missionaries is more difficult and it is a daily challenge for me. For a long time now, I have been impatient to enter into full-time ministry because I can feel the calling and I get frustrated because it will be a long time before I know it can happen. I ask God why if he did not let me go now, why call me so early, and how I wish I knew someone who knew what I was going through. Then I laughed to myself, thinking of my foolishness... Jesus waited thirty years before he began his ministry though he knew from the day he was born that the life of a missionary was his. Yet when he began, there were no obstacles and no doubts at all. I might be past the age of 30 before I get to go, but I know that when the day comes, the obstacles and doubts will all disappear.

Hebrews 11:13 - 16 still ring in my head from the post I wrote in December, I know that I have no home on this earth... I have been here in Scotland for 5 years now, with some of the friendliest people I know. There are people whom I have met who are so genuine and endowed with such generosity. Yet I withdraw from those around me... perhaps it is fear. While part of me admits it is fear, I find that I have little conversation to fill the awkward silences. I don't know how to talk about the weather anymore, something I had mastered extremely well coming here. So what then? Isolation is not the answer. How do I find the push that I need? I find myself often looking forward and thinking it'll happen, give it another year. But yet, I sit where I am and like Jane Austen's Mr Darcy claim that I have not the talent of conversing with others.

I feel much like Seven of Nine, having been severed from the collective. Those whose every thought she once shared are far from her and integration into human society is extremely difficult. Small talk and idle chatter lie out of her comprehension and perfection is her only aim. Yes, perfection indeed. I too, aim to be perfect, perfect in Christ Jesus.

closed

“All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm in the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22

One of the most encouraging things about my blog is when someone leaves a comment to tell me that my words have helped them in one way or another. With the covenants I have made this year with God and other spiritual partners, the year 2009 promises to be an exciting year. Yet in the build-up to 2009, my world seemed to fall apart. Reality set in and the dream I dreamed was no more than a dream and the nightingale has finally lost her song. But the grace doesn’t end here, nor does the journey. Just this blog. A few days ago I realised that as even in a Christian journey, some paths are wide enough for many to pass at a time. Others are narrow, barely enough to fit one, but that is the path that lies ahead of me now. The terrain is getting more difficult to climb and the story can only be shared by those who have gone before me.

2009 will bring great trials and infinite grace. This I know for sure.

Close every door to me, hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows and shut out the light
Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime and torture my night
If my life was important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie far from this world
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me
Children of Israel are never alone
For I know I shall find my own peace of mind
For I have been promised a land of my own.

- Close Every Door, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Castle on a cloud

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:13 – 16

I’ve just been to the Isle of Islay, an amazing little island with the most gorgeous scenery and the friendliest people. While people always tell me that Dundee is a nice quiet hideaway, this is even more so. The quiet little village has given me time to clear up all the mucky thoughts in my head and get back to basics with God. And the air is so fresh you can see it reflected in the colours of the scenery.

I have been lulling over this passage in Hebrews 11 for about 6 weeks now but just haven’t had the time to read this entry. But being on Islay has given me time to listen to the words more clearly and to reflect on them much more. I think Hebrews 11 is such a beautiful summary of those who hungered after God, who lived, loved and died in the shadow of God. And to me, it seems to be written in a more contemporary, direct style. Perhaps another reminder to keep our faith alive.

I find myself quite speechless at this point seeing how self-explanatory this passage is. After all this while, I’ve made a little home in the Philippines. I’ve seriously considered building a house there and having my own little castle. But at the end of the day, I guess one of the reasons I’m always going out of Singapore is because I am looking for a country of my own. It doesn’t matter which country I go to as long as I go on God’s errand. I will keep on travelling to wherever God sends me, but I know that the country I will settle in doesn’t exist on this earth.

a dream to end all dreams

I’ve been in London for two weeks now and the place is just as great as I remembered it… And my time in hospital is even better than I could ever have imagined. I can only think how much I will miss being there although I have a good two weeks remaining. It’s great being able to linger around Selfridges or Harrod’s and the ice cream is as heavenly as I remember (perhaps even better than the one at the Trevi Fountain) and my free time at nights are spent plotting when might be the least busy time of day to finally sit down at the ice cream parlour to enjoy my ice cream.

While the ice cream dream has been always high on my to-do list, there is a greater dream – one greater than the dreams conceived by my mind alone. As I walk to the hospital each day, the air does not lie still and fresh as it does in Dundee; rather, the crisp morning air is shattered by the busy traffic, fumes and sirens. I have no doubt that I would come back to London at any time if I could, but then God’s dream is beginning to take over. I would rather be in the Philippines serving him or fellowshipping with those who love him too, or even just be curled up in a quiet corner with my Bible. And it really wouldn’t matter where in the world you put me. Going around on the weekends to different cities doesn’t tickle my fancy as much as it did and though it would have been nice to have a bit of company, all these tours just go round in a circle. I start out at one point and at the end of the day, I’m back to square one. With God’s dream, you never end up where you started.

But this bustling city life reminds me of how much we try to help God fix our own problems instead of relinquishing them to him. Even when it comes to the end of the world, we seem to be trying to bring that on by ourselves as well.

Thinking of dreams reminds me of Joseph, the one they always call ‘The Dreamer’. It’s not wrong to dream of course, but Joseph’s dreams were given by God so that they became a reality. I hope that some day, my own dreaming will come to an end and the dreams I have will be God’s dreams.

no risk is worth taking..

The days seem to inch by and as always, I'm counting the days until I'm back again in the Philippines. But there is much more to life than anticipation, much more. In fact, anticipation can be so dangerous because instead of living in the moment, we live for the next moment that is coming and miss the beauty of where we are standing. And I wonder to myself, what is it that really holds my thoughts?

I strain to laugh as I try to think back to the day I declared to God I would never go back to the Philippines because I couldn't hack it... Maybe that's why the advice 'Never say never.' In any case, my day is largely filled with the excitement of calls, texts and emails from those I love there. But as I was walking down the street the other day, listening to this old favourite song of mine called 'Hanging by a moment' by Lifehouse. While they aren't a Christian band, I couldn't help thinking how much it describes my life now, life with Jesus. Every day is a wild adventure, a new love story. Yet the word 'adventure' always brings to mind great risk... the more risk you take, the greater the adventure. While the adventure remains, there are no risks in this story, no more uncertainties. Only security. Human nature has a tendency to want to be in control of everything, to be certain of everything down to the last second, yet we place ourselves at so much risk when we do. Giving up that control to the Father eliminates every risk. Ironic I suppose.

But well, that's life.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else...

-Hanging by a moment, Lifehouse

Heart overload

There are three more long months before the year ends and I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out because the year has already been so amazing. There is a tendency within me to think that the best things happen when I’m away in the Philippines, or whatever country God sends me to, although I really haven’t been anywhere else in the past two years. But I know that no matter what time or place, God always works in the fullness of his grace. In 2006, I wrote that it had been the best year of my life thus far. But I know God is truly great indeed, and I made a claim of faith that the next year would be even better. And I would hold to that always, so that I would never allow myself, as far as possible, to take the blessings in my life for granted. Yet I haven’t even reached the end of two years since I said that and the amount of grace that God has poured into my life is so overwhelming that I am literally afraid of asking for a better year. I guess this has brought new meaning to my definition of the ‘fear of the Lord’.

I’ve gone into heart overload, and find tears coming to my eyes so easily just thinking about the blessings in my life… And I’m not talking about showers of blessings; it seems more like monsoon season every day. Yes indeed, my heart is reaching breaking point because it can’t hold any more. I keep trying to give it away, but then God fills me up faster than I can empty. Today in church, our pastor mentioned some commercial slogans he’d heard about how we’re worth it or we deserve a new sofa, a large screen TV or something of the sort, and while I’ve never paid much attention to it, it does show how worldly and sinful we’ve become, even without knowing it. There is nothing in this world that we possess that was not given by grace. I have nothing I can claim I deserve, except payment of my sin.

A year ago, my sister told me she wouldn’t mind going on a mission trip after she read my blog. While it was nice to hear, I didn’t give much thought to the practicality of it happening. If ever I asked God for one thing, it was that my family would understand my call to do missions. Not desire, calling. I don’t know how, but perhaps it would start by me being able to go away during Christmas this year, in other words, family time. Never in a million years would I have expected that he would take my family with me. It isn’t the cheapest time to go away of course, but there’s something so specific in God’s design that I can feel that he has something up his sleeves. A plan he is still weaving, not just for me, but for all as well, even though I honestly have no clue what it is. God seems to be the best at keeping secrets…

I guess that’s why I’m always singing all the time. I’ve become the ‘Little Imperial Toilet Singer’ after the nightingale from the fairytale ‘The Emperor and the Nightingale’, so named by my little sister. But as the nightingale can never recant her song for it is in her nature, I pray that as Christians, we too, can never recant our nature.

past the point of no return

So I’m back here again in Dundee, ready to finish final year… It feels like my life is not being fast-tracked anymore but I’m not referring to the 4 or 5 hours of sleep I was living on while in the Philippines… I mean spiritually. It’s as though the air has become so still, I can hardly feel the moving of the Spirit.

Looking back on these five years, the first piece of advice any doctor or medical student gives to a newbie is to fight as hard as you can to keep a life separate from medicine, even though medicine is a vocation. It’s just so you can keep your sanity. And yet I find that when I’m in Singapore or the UK, I see so many Christians who fight to keep their spiritual life separate from their real life. Calling the Philippines my home I suppose was a very dangerous and bold step, but while people say that blood is thicker than water, the Holy Spirit is thicker than blood. It’s easy to keep the fire burning when the people around you have spiritual firepower coursing through their veins, but how do you keep up the pace in the midst of a spiritual standstill? I’m not sure but it is a challenge I cannot escape or refuse. Many around me still advise that short-term missions are the way to go, but I’m past the point of no return now… At the start of 2007, I embarked on the journey to discover the true heart of a missionary. And as I continue this search to understand more and more, I’m being drawn deeper and deeper into a world I cannot escape. Nor do I have any wish to.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11