From martyr to mother

‘When you are a mother, you will understand.’ I do not know how many times I have heard those words since I began my missionary journey, taking my first mission trip solo at the age of 19 years.

When I was 16, one Missions Sunday in church, I felt a calling as I sang the hymn ‘Here I Am’.

‘It is I, Lord, I have heard you calling in the night.’ I was determined to answer the call, but where to go. As I began to read stories by DC Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs, I was inspired by the stories of those who gave their lives to receive the crown of life in exchange. The highest calling possible and I dreamed in my heart, if only one day, God would count me worthy of such a calling. I therefore was determined that I had to stay single, so that when my turn came, I could, like the disciples, drop everything as it were. To war-torn places my heart seemed to draw me to. Places where there was a dire need for any basic resource. As I ventured into places like the DRC, South Sudan, Marawi, there were often arguments with my mother about going to these places. ‘When you are a mother, you will understand,’ she would remind me constantly. ‘Nope, I said, cos I am not going to be a mother.’

But it turns out, as always, his plans are higher than our plans and his ways higher than ours. After wrestling with God for years, I found myself in a relationship, married, and not only that, mother to two beautiful children. Now I finally understand those words my mother constantly uttered. God had a different calling in mind for me. And perhaps a higher or even harder calling than what I had in mind. The endless nights, the tantrums you battle, the patience you search for that you never had, and all for what? Because God has charged you with one of the most difficult callings: to be a mother. To be a Christian mother means that God has charged you with raising the next generation. Being a mother means that you need to martyr your own way of life, to ensure that the little eyes that watch you are learning all that they should. 

The harvest is plenty but the workers are few. I will need to spend my lifetime ensuring that my children are equipped to serve in God’s kingdom, to teach them that they need to love the Lord and for them to teach others.

This is why almost no one can live up to the model of a mother in Proverbs 31. For it says ‘A wife of noble character who can find?’ An almost impossible unattainable calling. But we must try, for the sake of the call. 

I have been blessed to have a headstart in life, being guided by my own mother. And I pray that God will continue to guide me to be the best mother I can to my own children.

Blessed Mothers’ Day to all.

Thanks Mum for everything. 

Low milk supply - When you’ve tried everything...

Life to me has always been about one goal.. serving the underserved. But one verse I know so well these many years is Proverbs 16:9 - ‘A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.’ True indeed. And as it would seem, the path he chose for me has been vastly different from the one I would have chosen for myself. ‘Martyr’ was the word that always resonated with me, from the days I first read the book ‘Jesus Freak’ by DC Talk. But God heard differently and just that like ‘martyr’ became ‘mother’. Another noble ambition and now that I have lived it for nearly four months, it is a road that is no less easy and definitely much longer. 

I would never have thought myself to write a post about this but in my own desperation I found that I was pouring through blog after blog, forum after forum, to find something encouraging. From the day she was born, I struggled with low milk supply. 

Before I delivered, it seemed all a myth to me. That’s what I had read at least - every mother is capable of producing milk for her baby. That was the first myth I led myself to believe and the days that followed seemed to be a constant downward spiral. The first few days were full of anticipation. Milk comes in day 3-5, they said. I waited and waited and there was nary enough. In anticipation of problems, I made an appointment with the lactation consultant, which turned out to be a traumatising experience for both of us. She constantly pushed her head so forcefully to my breast that my little one just kept fighting and refused to latch. Then she said to my husband and I, ‘She’s not going to latch, I think you need to go and buy formula.’ Where were we to go? We didn’t have any bottles ready and the pharmacy didn’t sell any formula. Frustrated with her, I said, ‘No she will.’ I calmly took her back, soothed her and allowed her to latch. That was the first and last time I was going to see that woman. 

Back home, the tears continued. After latching, she would constantly cry in hunger. Thank God for formula. We spent the first few feeds syringing those few mls into her mouth and she would gulp in air with each breath. Each feed was a painstaking hour. 

Eventually, we decided that the bottle was the way to go. ‘Don’t introduce the bottle before the first month’, they said - or the baby will get nipple confusion. The first bottle she took, she gulped it all within minutes and this tremendous feeling of guilt overcame me. I had been starving her these few days. As I pumped, I got out a measly 30ml. No wonder she was hungry. I scoured the internet again. Power pumping. That sounded like the miracle I was looking for. 

By this time, I was starting to gain weight with all the extra food my family prepared for me. Calories are what you need to produce milk, they said. In addition to the mountains of supplements - Legendairy milk, Motherlove special blend, domperidone. I tried them all. I power pumped twice a day for two months and got myself up to 50-70ml every 3 hours. Still disappointing. I even decided to try a TCM spa that promised to help with low milk supply. After spending thousands, I learnt that I had blocked milk ducts and although the massages helped, relief was often only a few days before I had to go for more. 

As the days went by, I was more and more convinced she had a tongue tie. Around 2 months of age, she got it fixed. I figured that will probably fix her latch. But it didn’t. 

I finally decided a last ditch attempt to try another lactation consultant who was recommended to me by a friend. I found out that her tongue coordination was absolutely the pits, which is why she still couldn’t latch. She recommended I see an osteopath and start taking all sorts of supplements again, lactation cookies, etc. By this time, I wasn’t keen but since I had come this far, what did I have to lose. I stuffed myself with malt beverages, lactation cookies and muffins. Other than my weight, not much else seemed to increase. I took the supplements she recommended religiously. Perhaps there was a modest increase of about 10-20ml over a 24-hour period, but it lead to my little one screaming in pain from gas every feed. So that had to stop too. 

I visited the osteopath who taught us suck training exercises. Two weeks later, we will still practicing the exercises with some little improvement. Whenever I tried to latch, she would just bite down and pull, leading to a very sore mummy. I had to stop, or I wouldn’t even be able to pump any milk for her. Another week later, she suddenly started refusing the bottle on night feeds, making me even more distressed. So I tried latching her again. Suddenly, everything was alright. She was able to nurse properly! What a feeling of achievement for both of us. I went back to sleep and so did she. No more tears in the night and she slept happily for another 4 hours. What’s better still, I don’t have the problems of blocked ducts anymore. 

While she is still too distracted to nurse much in the day, her ability to nurse at night has given me renewed energy into trying to increase my supply again. Supplements, cookies, more pumps. It seems never ending and I am not sure how I could have gotten here faster. I still don’t have enough to meet her needs, but it’s ok. What is important is that now we enjoy the times we have. 

Having tried it all, if there’s one thing I have learnt, if you have low milk supply, spend your energy into getting a good latch and get a good lactation consultant. 

the company you keep

This journey feels almost like it's been forever and yet time has gone by in the blink of an eye. I still remember my first trip going to Yangon on my own. Since then my travels have brought me all over the world, each time a bit more adventurous than the next. 

Then came the time for specialist training. What I thought would help in fulfilling my dreams almost seemed to send them in the opposite direction. Promises made of going back to the DRC or South Sudan left unfulfilled for the last couple of years left a sour taste in my mouth. And it left me wondering if they had thought I had forgotten about them, that I no longer came because I no longer cared. As training consumed more of my energy, it left me wanting much more than I had begun with. Not only did I feel that I no longer had time to do the things I really wanted to, but I wondered if I was further from my goal than when I had started. 

4 days ago, I sat for my specialist training exit examination and by God's grace, I passed. After the moments of disbelief, suddenly I viewed things as I always had. Now I was free. Free to pursue the things God had put in my heart before. Things that had been forced to go to sleep now could be resurrected. And yet, things are completely different. 

I have always prayed that he would use me in a greater capacity to help others, to go where others would not, whatever the cost would be. God has always been faithful and he has given me opportunities aplenty, each more precious than the next. Now that I have finally completed my specialist training, I finally see the opportunities that abound in my future. Helping others is indeed addictive, but it is not because the 'feel good' emotion but because it pleases our Father in heaven. 

For the next one month, I will get an opportunity to be part of a global enterprise - one I have always dreamt of being a part of. One that I would have never had the chance to do if I had not undergone this training. I only pray that what I say and do will bring glory to the one who has given me this opportunity. 



Not only has God given me this wonderful opportunity, but he has put me in the company of eagles, that I may learn to soar with them. 

Whatever life brings my way, bring it on.

This Ugly Duckling

It's been over two years since my last post and I can't think why. It is not the lack of things to give thanks for or the lack of excitement in my life. But even though I had much to say about my time in Marawi, I never penned a post.

Perhaps my mind has just been distracted or I haven't been sure of the direction that my life has taken. Since coming back to Singapore in 2011, life has been full of setbacks and disappointments, enough to make me want to give up on a daily basis. But suddenly, it's as though the clouds have been lifted and I look behind me and I see the Red Sea closing behind me. He has brought me on from the Red Sea place in my life and finally I can move toward the promised land.

What is the promised land? It's the calling that he set before me. It means that there is a lot more walking and circling to do before I get there and it may be another 40 years until I reach but I can say all the more with confidence that I will get there because he has brought me through one trial to the next.

For the last 13 years, I have tried to find ways to fulfil my calling in the best way I know how, often stopped by the circumstances that I thought would bring me forward. And yet, he has called me is faithful and he will never fail. To imagine that I would be able to find a job that could fall in line with what I want to do is more than I could ask for.

Indeed I always remember that with great power comes great responsibility, and Jesus himself said 'To whom much has been given, much will be demanded.' I am glad to say that finally the day is coming when I can begin to repay just a tiny ounce of the abundant grace poured out upon me.

For years, I have seen those who have gone before me, soaring on wings like eagles, wishing that I could count myself like them. Or perhaps, another more apt analogy would be that of the ugly duckling, gazing at the beautiful swans that fly overhead, imagining my life to be like that. Definitely not to be glamorous but to be able to help others and change lives in a bigger way. After all these years of swimming in my little pond, I can see that reality of being able to fly come soon.I don't know when but soon and it's time for this ugly duckling to grow up.

'Two things I ask of you, Lord; do not refuse me before I die;
Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches,
But give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise I may have too much and disown you and say,
'Who is the Lord?'
Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.'

As I have always said, To God Be the Glory.

we are tired of war..

14 hours of travel and some extortions of USD along the way finally brought us to where we were supposed to be. By this time, my spirit was already so weary. Not from the hours and hours were travelling but from the few who were just interested in procuring money from me. It felt that what I had to give just wasn't good enough, they just wanted money from me.

The Philippines was never like this. But then again I had always been protected by my companions. But Africa is a different ballgame and I need to be wise because it is impossible to help everyone. Hungry, tired and frustrated, I just think - I need a break from Africa.

We arrive at the church where we will hold our teaching and there are people singing, dancing and beating drums as they herald our arrival. As we sing together, there is a warmness that fills my heart and even spills over as a few tears. The introductions begin and the first of many welcomes starts with these resounding words 'We are tired of war. We are TIRED of war.' The smile on my face breaks as does my heart as I listen to the gut wrenching words of a people who have been victims of a war that has come and left them no better. In places where the aftermath of the war is fresh, there are an abundance of NGOs or UN signs posted everywhere. But strangely, there is a scarcity of foreign aid here.

I know that people asking for money is part of a culture that has been ingrained into so much of the developing world. An idea that money can do anything and money equals power. But then there are also those who will surprise you. Perhaps the lack of people to ask aid from has taught them to rely more on themselves. And you find that there are people who earnestly believe that you come just out of love, even if you have nothing much to offer. Those who believe that heart and education and hard work are more valuable than money. The situation is dire in South Sudan. Milk, eggs and meat are a luxury, other things are a rarity and have to be imported from Uganda. So many live below the poverty line, crying out for a chance to build their lives.

South Sudan, I know one day the world will hear your cry.

Long walk to development..

Development is a process

I admit that unlike the previous times I am not charged with excitement as I once was. I am filled with a sense of trepidation and partly some disappointment from my own failings. I forget that development is a process that takes place over years and I had high hopes for projects in Africa seeing how quickly they had understood the teaching as a duck takes to water. But without giving much guidance, I left them on their own just to follow the concepts I had taught them only to find that my concepts were just perhaps concepts. Worst of all they had put in so much effort into the proposals. I cannot help but feel some shame for misguiding them and what is more, I am at a loss for words as to what to tell them. 

My eagerness to help and compassion has not always been a strength and has sometimes been my fatal flaw that I destroy the own foundation I build for not being firm or driving the importance of self-sustainability and independence. It is my fault for not practicing what I preach. And perhaps because I think they still me as this little girl who doesn't know very much. Or is it just me who sees that? Perhaps it is my own imagination that creates these illusions and barriers. 

For the first time in 9 years, I finally pray that God would send someone to help me, as a countercheck and to stop me from beating myself up. For someone who has some sort of clue about business and writing proposals. I only pray that he would send me the words I need to speak and open hearts to listen. 

South Sudan. A chance to start afresh. Wipe the slate clean. But it's not quite so simple. You can't just erase the process of development because of some bumps in the road. I have to keep trying again and again. What do I expect? I don't know. I dare not hope because I fear I may disappoint myself again. But I do need to trust. I trust in the one who goes before me. Trust that the path has already been laid before me. Trust that whatever needs to happen will happen in his time. As long as I am willing to persevere. 

As I pen these words, the doubt begins to ebb and the words 'perfect love drives out all fear' resounds within me. Indeed whom shall I fear? 

Together, nothing is impossible. 

greater things are yet to be done here

A week has flown by in the blink of an eye and the first chapter of 2015 is over. The months of preparation have culminated in a three and a half day seminar that seemed to go by quicker than it took to prepare the materials.

As I prepared for the first day, I was so full of anxiety and trepidation. Would they be willing to accept our ideas? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Would they be willing to change?

The ideas and concepts of community development have been well absorbed across the Philippines but as expected, execution takes years. This was also my first time to be teaching this all on my own, what if I couldn't get the concepts across?

Amidst the storms of my own thoughts, God brought me back into the eye of the storm. That quiet place deep inside me where only He is, nothing else. And he said, 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind can know what God has prepared for those who love him.' True enough, the insights of those who I taught far exceeded my thoughts or expectations. These people could be some of the first to be taught about true community development and in them I saw the future of what could be, the number of people they could train and the future of their community and country. Now I know how Joshua and Caleb must have felt looking at the promise of claiming the promised land.


As I looked back on my previous trips, I already had experienced an abundance of God's amazing grace. How he enabled me to raise funds for the refugees or to see 200 patients a day was definitely not by my strength alone. But nothing could compare to the experience of teaching community development, to empower people to bring change from within.


My sleep was replaced by endless dreams of projects we could do in the near future and each day I found myself more and more energised with the hope of tomorrow. 

I believe with all my heart that greater things are still to be done in Kyenjojo. Bring on 2015!

thrive

I look back on 2014 and I wish I had spent more time reflecting on the time past. It definitely has been a great year that has kept me so busy… 

I remember celebrating the first New Year at church and then rushing off to bed in preparation for the usual ward round on New Year's morning but the months turned into a bit of a blur after that.. 

Began my baking fetish this year from mille crepes to cakes and cupcakes, which only God could have turned into something more… Into Raindrops and Clouds, my little own name in which I have used to raise money to fund livelihood projects in Africa :) Although there were times when the stress of producing hundreds of cupcakes have made me want to give up, I know that the labour is not in vain, especially with all the people supporting my cause :) I can only pray that 2015 will bring more things for Raindrops and Clouds and more relief for those in need… 

It was amazing to be able to enjoy the beauty of South Africa but even better was to visit Uganda again with my good friends and bring help to those in need :) 

A few months later, I learnt to experience real loss. The loss of my grandmother whom God decided to call home so unexpectedly, although perhaps not to him or to her even. She walked so closely with God that she was ready to go home to him at any time. But I know that God wanted to give her the home that I could not provide for her… 

Of course, the year gets better. I took my first real holiday in the Maldives, paradise on earth. I learnt how to relax and for once, spend some real quiet time with God. But I think I can say the best experience of the year was being able to go back to Myanmar after 8 years to meet with old friends, make new friends and teach new ideas to keen young people who share the same vision of changing their communities and the world. In those few days, I saw a glimpse of the future in store for these people and of how things would be like in Africa too. Indeed I know that there will be even greater breakthroughs in 2015. 

Best of all, we started our youth group at My Father's House and now I have a group of dedicated youths who are hungry to learn his Word, share the gospel and multiply the church! 

Indeed, with such an amazing year past, how could I ask for more? But I know full well that our God is a God of abundance and I know that there is nothing he will withhold from his children if we ask him. 

I pray that 2015 will bring me closer to him, in likeness and in character. That my youths will also learn to walk the same way and that our service will go from strength to strength. I pray that the hearts of those who we teach this year in Africa and Myanmar will be open to the words we speak and that we would be able to start some community projects soon!! 

Indeed, we were made to thrive! 

waiting..

As I sit here in the quietness of the morning I begin to ponder the lesson God has planned for me this season. This past week I have had to face death much more intensely than ever before. It's going down faster than pins at a bowling alley and it frightens me.

I want to bring hope to the families I meet but all I can bring is the truth. The truth that their family member may not survive. It feels like I am taking away their light. Some believe in our God, some believe in their own, but it doesn't matter. I cannot give them the miracle they seek. I cannot give them the answer they hope to hear or the good news they wish I would speak.

I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I don't know why it may appear to them that God may have given them a second chance and then take it away. And no matter how you try, you will never find the words to comfort them because you cannot find comfort yourself.

They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I am still waiting for the dawn. The night has grown so long that it invades my thoughts and my dreams.

Waiting.

Merry Christmas. Love, Yolanda.

As the plane touches down in Tacloban there are hushed whispers that overcome the air. Every head is straining to look out the window at the destruction that we have only heard about on the news. I can tell that for many of us, it is the first time we have seen such a sight.

As we drive through the remnants of the city, the air changes. At times the smell of smoke is thick in the air, at others there is a sour pungent taste that they tell me is due to the bodies that are rotting under the wreckage that no one has the courage to yet rummage through.

The first day's morning clinic flies by as majority present with upper respiratory infections, diarrhoeal diseases or poorly controlled hypertension. We head back towards the city for a meeting but not long on our way, a van comes speeding down the highway and into our side. Thankfully there is nothing more than a few bumps and bruises to be reported but the rest of the day is wasted at the hospital waiting..

Day 2 begins a little better although it's easy to beat considering the accident yesterday. We have a restful day attending church, meeting new and old friends but things begin to take a turn. Our front room is completely wet from the rain this afternoon and my sleeping bag is soaking up the rainwater. Not only that my S3 officially breathes its last breath and I have no spare phone.

After spending a good half an hour moping around the house about my losses, I feel ashamed when I am surrounded by thousands who have lost much more than I have. That is the end of my complaining.

5am comes and it is still dark but some of my teammates have already been up since 4am preparing our breakfast and lunch. We are on the road and things seem to go smoothly as we set up clinic. However, two hours into clinic the intermittent showers turn into a downpour as the rain rips off the tarpaulin off the already roofless building. While some of us run to keep our medicines, others climb up to replace our roof as quickly as possible. Especially for the children there is a panic in their eyes as they grip onto their mothers. Clearly the terror of Yolanda is still near. As quickly as we had come, we packed up to the next community for clinic.

It has been a long but satisfying day although my day becomes marred when our driver runs over a dog. Yet another accident in the space of three days. Even crossing the road makes me jittery now..

In this short time, I have felt but an ounce of the frustration of not having what you need or used to and the fear that Yolanda has brought. But I will never know the true extent of the pain that they feel. Especially for the children, the scars run deep and many come to consult the doctor because they can't eat, can't speak or can't sleep. We decide to have a gift exchange on my last night and nearly abandon the idea because it is impossible to find any decent gift in this place. Except for torches, mobile phones from China and umbrellas, there is little to be bought. Finding Christmas is like trying to find something worthwhile out of the rubble.

I have never been a fan of the Christmas scene in Singapore where the season is exploited from October in a bid to increase sales. But here, there are no Christmas trees, lights or decorations and the streets are still lined with rubbish. But here amidst the rubble, I find the true Christmas spirit with people of all countries and colours coming to rebuild this country.

As I ready myself to leave, these words come to my mind:

Peace on earth, goodwill to men.

Merry Christmas Tacloban. 

to infinity and beyond…

I remember clearly the year Cyclone Nargis hit. It was 2008 and I was still a medical student. I vividly remember the conversation I had with one of my closest friends, I wished so much that I had graduated, that I was ready to serve others in such a time. But I was unqualified. Without a medical degree, who could I help? 

Having since graduated about 4 years ago, I know now that my medical degree is what qualifies me for the field only in the eyes of man. I have been on so many medical missions, seen so many patients, treated hundreds of cases of upper respiratory tract infections, diarrhoea, hypertension but I would rather spend the entire day getting to know one patient and learning their story. I don't want to be the 'foreigner' who sacrificed my personal time to come and help, I want to be the friend and sister you never knew you had, the one who loves you because of the one who loves me. Would you dare believe that a 'stranger' could love you so much? But I do now because I have felt it. 

In about two weeks, I will join my friends in the Philippines to help the survivors of Typhoon Yolanda. This will be my first time to a real acute disaster zone and to be honest, I am afraid. I have seen the pictures on the news and it chills my heart to see the destruction and the dead bodies strewn on the streets. I know that by the time I reach, a large amount of the clearing up will have been done but the scars remain. And they will take a long time to heal. I don't know what to expect and I know that even after 8 years of doing missions, nothing will prepare for what I will see. But I know that after this, my life will never be the same… 

However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for those who love him - those are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. 

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

if only you knew.

Avalon has been one of my favourite Christian bands because their songs always speak to me and I recently came across this beautiful song called 'Orphans of God'. And during my recent trip to Uganda, I truly experienced in my heart the true meaning of the song. The faces that I met speak of pain only our Father will ever know. 

This beautiful baby is only three days old. Her first home is a tent donated by the UNHCR and her next home will be a mud house where her mother's embrace will be the only thing that keeps out the cold. When she was born, there were no cameras to record or celebrate her birth. She has no crib or toys and her bed is an old jacket that was donated. 

This girl, doesn't look like a girl at all, with her three month old boy in her arms. But she is only 15 years old. One fateful night, rebels attacked her home and killed her mother. One of the rebels offered to make her his wife but she refused because she said she was too young to be a wife or mother. As a result, he raped her that night. Without a family to support her, she crossed the border to join other refugees, where they were picked by the UNHCR and brought to the safety of the transit centre. 

These are only but a few of the stories but there are thousands more to be told. Each one, known and loved by our Lord. 

Oh my dear brothers and sisters, if only you knew how much you are loved. 

Who here among us has not been broken?
Who here among us is without guilt or pain?
So oft' abandoned by our transgressions

If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother

If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah

There are no orphans of God

- Orphans of God, Avalon 

and the dry bones shall live...

"Son of man, look with your eyes and hear with your ears and pay attention to everything I am going to show you, for that is why you have been brought here." Ezekiel 40:4

Two nights ago, I lay there in my call room reading my Bible before trying to get some shut eye before the next admission. These few weeks I had been reading Ezekiel, which had always been to me one of the less interesting books to read.

But as I read the words of Ezekiel 36, of God's restoration of Israel, I felt the words come alive. I thought of the DRC and I felt God's heartbeat within me. How he loved and longed for his people to give up their ways, so that they could return and be called his people. The next night of course was Ezekiel 37 - where Ezekiel is in the valley of the dry bones. I know that when the time is right God will breathe his spirit into those dry bones and they will live too.

Right now, there is another hour before I board the flight to Entebbe, the rays of the early morning Dubai sun shines down upon me as I type these words. As my eyes strain to meet the brightness of the sun, I imagine the words of Ezekiel 40, the vision of the new temple. I hear the words of Ezekiel 40:4… I know that God has brought me here today to this purpose, to see and hear what he wants me to know. I know that one day, all this shall pass. The corruption, the sorrow, the suffering. The sun will shine all the brighter because a new day has come.

how to save a life...

I look back at my blog and find it surprised that I haven't written once since the end of last year. Then again when I look back, I see how busy and how spiritually dry I have become that it's not surprising at all. Just sad.

I did write a post after my time in Chiang Mai, when I visited a children's home. It was such a touching and humbling experience and definitely noteworthy. But after I came back I never found the time to post the entry. I am glad to say that now our church has started a child sponsorship programme so that now these children no longer go hungry but I have no part to play in this. It is God who did all this, not me.

Nonetheless, I have always looked to missions as my spiritual oasis and have never even thought to find it here in Singapore, let alone my workplace. Working in the intensive care unit has been just as intense for me as for the patients and their families, emotionally.In the ICU, each day is a battle, a battle for life.How do you let go when you see a young, healthy person die of a pneumonia? Even when you have tried everything possible to save them? How then do you try even harder when you see their young children crying outside the room because they will never see their mother or father again? You can't. It physically isn't possible. But I have to rely on the supernatural to give me strength. That at the end of the day, you can only do your best. God may heal them, or he may not. But in every life we come across, there is a lesson to be learnt.

In the ICU, my emotions have been pushed to the limits. I have felt the pain and sorrow of watching a family lose a loved one to the joy of watching a patient make a recovery and go home well. But the medical practice is more than just a mix of joy and sorrow. It is also interspersed with its moments of frustration, doubt and confusion. As doctors, we live to the rule of 'primum non nocere' but sometimes even when we have done our best for our patients and their families, there is little time left to grieve for the loss of a patient or rejoice in the satisfaction of successful treatment. There are times when we need to deal with the aftermath, pick up the pieces, deal with the complaints that come or accusations that we didn't try hard enough or gave up hope. 

So how do you save a life? We may not always know how, but we sure put up one hell of a fight. 

the ties that bind

Going to the Congo was a life-changing experience. I saw sights that were forever ingrained in my memory. It was an encounter that propelled me to want to change the world and to do all I could for these people. 

But the events of this week have sent my world crumbling. It was such a shock to find out that the rebels had advanced into Goma, a city once known to be the hub for humanitarian intervention and the peacekeeper's homeground. 

It shook me to the core knowing that the ground that I had tread barely two weeks ago was merely a shadow of a warzone. Since my departure from Goma, I had dreamt of going back to Kanyaruchinya, with blankets, shelter and food for these people. Now Kanyaruchinya is no more. The people have been scattered or killed.

How do you weep for thousands? I don't know how. But it was a painful experience trying. I don't know when I can go back. I want to go back. I know people tell me I am lucky that I wasn't there when the violence started and I know that God protected me. But all I can think of is standing where I once was and trying to help them but I don't know how. 

May God give us all the strength to stand. To those in Goma, our thoughts and prayers are with you. 

the rain

"I love the rain because then no one knows I'm crying." 

I have always wondered why people say that whenever they are sad, it rains. On the contrary, I like the rain. I love the smell of the rain and the freshness of the air after the rain has come and gone. There is a sort of cleanness after the rain and everything just looks brighter when the sun begins to shine on the glistening raindrops. After all, you can only see rainbows after it's rained. 

But I have just returned from a land where there are no rainbows after the rain. There is no shelter from the rain and the skies still look bleak after a shower. A tear falls as each raindrop hits the ground but the tears still fall long after the clouds have dried up. 


I am talking about Kanyaruchinya, a refugee camp which opened just over 6 months ago but already home to over 80,000 people displaced people. So many fight for their survival each day. Many go without food for days, praying for the next truck to bring some food to them. Others sleep on the mud in the pouring rain, hoping that they will the sunrise tomorrow.

 There is no future in sight. Only the next minute counts. Will they go home? Will they die here? Will food come tomorrow? Will the war be over soon? In a life full of uncertainties, there is one thing we are certain of. Jesus loves them, we tell them. They are here, away from the unrest, where many are still dying from the conflict. They are safe and they are living this very moment. They are better off than those who have been killed by rebel forces. It may not be much comfort. You could say a life like this is no life at all. But there is a reason they are here at that very moment, as are we. 

I know I will never forget what I have seen in Kanyaruchinya. Each time you see the rain, remember the people in Kanyaruchinya. 

now

The other day I happened to watch an episode of an old show called 'Touched by an Angel'. The story was about a woman who had refused to go to Sudan to help the slaves in order to secure her position as a minister in the next election. That was until her young son found pictures of the refugees in her briefcase and began to raise funds for them without her approval. To the end, she was adamant not to go until the angel revealed herself to her and told her that the mission could not happen without her. 

As she gave the money raised by her young son to redeem each slave, they played a song called 'For such a time as this' by Wayne Watson. The song speaks of the life of Esther, who had been placed in a position of honour so that she could help others, even if it would cost her her life. I am no minister, president or anyone important by far, but I am privileged enough to have been placed in a position to help the people in the Congo. Can I not go? I know that 'No' is not an answer. God has not called many to this place and I am but one of them. I cannot not heed this call for I am here for such a time as this. 

Now, all I have is now
To be faithful
To be holy
And to shine
Lighting up the darkness
Right now, I really have no choice
But to voice the truth to the nations
A generation looking for God

For such a time as this
I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God 
And do His will
Whatever it is
For such a time as this
For now and all the days He gives
I am here, I am here
And I am His
For such a time as this

You - Do you ever wonder why
Seems like the grass is always greener
Under everybody else's sky
But right here, right here for this time and place
You can live a mirror of His mercy
A forgiven image of grace

Can't change what's happened till now
But we can change what will be
By living in holiness
That the world will see Jesus

unworthy

After so many phone calls, I find myself back at square one. I have no choice but to go to Delhi myself to obtain my visa. The other option was much easier - not to go to the Congo. But how could I give up so easily? I know that this dream was placed in my heart by God and I had to see it through. Besides, how could I disappoint those who had given so much to support the people there? 

So, to the shock and dismay of many, I booked myself on a flight to Dnelhi. From the time I boarded the plane, I knew God was telling me that it would not be easy, that I would have more obstacles on this trip and I had to be ready. I can't remember ever feeling this scared and I remember the words, 'Perfect love drives out all fear.' 

After disembarking, I am greeted by a hotel attendant who tells me that I cannot stay in the hotel because it is located in the departure lounge. So I have nowhere to stay for the night and my main worry is that I will get fleeced by all these people. I finally get a hotel and into a taxi and on the ride there, I hear God telling me 'How can you learn the lessons I have for you if you are so guarded?' I am so apprehensive and so defensive that I am ready to bite at any moment. 

Finally, I can rest my head for the night with the promise of a new day. I drop my passport off with ease only for them to tell me later that my cheque has been rejected. After three stops and 30 mins of running around town, I finally find a money changer. As I finally get out of the taxi to the airport, the driver tells me I owe him an extra 300 rupees for the air-conditioning. Finally at the airport, I know I can a breathe a sigh of relief. Or so I thought. I'm 9 hours early for my flight so I have to wait another 3 hours to enter the terminal. Unfortunately, there are no earlier flights to Singapore and I will just have to wait it out. 

I know what everyone is thinking, they are thinking that I am a fool. That I would go so far just to go to the Congo and I should give up. That perhaps this is God's way of telling me not to go . As I sat in that taxi, looking at my reflection in the rear-view mirror of the taxi, I am fighting hard to swallow the tears. Why me? And I know that he never promised it would be easy, he promised that I would never walk alone. I clutch the cross around my neck and realise the tears are tears of shame. I told God that I would love to be counted worthy to be a martyr and yet with such little testing, I have proved myself so unfaithful and so unworthy. I wonder how he can use me. Jesus said that no one who looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. 

Having spent this whirlwind of a day in India, I realise the lesson God has for me. I am so unworthy to follow him but I pray that he will continue to mold me and make me fit for his service. 

the greatest thing

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not —to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord." 

1 Corinthians 1:27 - 31 

accidentally in love

People say that you can't choose who you fall in love with and I think that is so true. There are many things we didn't choose in this life, but they happened because God made it that way. 

For two years now, I have been praying to go to the Congo. I don't know why, maybe it was just because I sensed a great need there in my soul. But after speaking to more and more people here, it seemed more and more to be like a silly idea. Just some big talk from a little girl. Everyone told me that I was courting death to go there and slowly, I wondered not only if I would ever go, but if I dared to go after all. Was it all a lie? Was I the Peter who told Jesus he would never deny him and then deny him three times in the next moment? I don't know because my faith had never really been tested to that point. 

When I went to Kenya, I met amazing people, people who shared my dreams, people who would dream anything for God and could work to make it a reality. As we said goodbye, the thoughts of me going to the Congo floated in my mind that maybe one day, just one day. One day in the distant future. 

Then, last night, my friend texted me to say that they were planning a trip in 2 months' time and asked if I wanted to go. I immediately began bouncing off the walls of my house and I could have danced all night. The next morning, I was telling all my friends, shouting it from the rooftops. As I sat there thinking about it, I would beam to myself and didn't care if people thought I was crazy. When I picked my dad up from the airport, the first thing he said to me was, 'I have never seen you so happy.' 

And I immediately thought, this must be what it feels like. The feeling of being head over heels in love, how a girl must feel when she gets engaged, how the Israelites felt when they heard they were going to the promised land. The skies have never been bluer, the stars never brighter and the moon never more beautiful. That feeling of floating on air and to think you could never come down. To be so giddy and dizzy and it doesn't matter what the world thinks. My family constantly talk about me getting married and finding a partner to love me, but I am love with God's calling. God has found me and I could never ever be happier than I am now.

I don't know what this trip will hold and perhaps there will be dangers ahead, but I have no doubts at all that God has something great planned on this upcoming trip. He will do something exciting and I just have got to be there to see and experience it. 

Accidentally in love

So she said what's the problem baby

What's the problem I don't know 

Well maybe I'm in love (love) 

Think about it every time

I think about it

Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this

Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love) 

Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love 

Come on, come on 

Turn a little faster

Come on, come on 

The world will follow after

Come on, come on 

Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running 

Running down into the spring that's coming all this love 

Melting under blue skies 

Belting out sunlight 

Shimmering love 

Well baby I surrender 

To the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well I didn't mean to do it 

But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning 

Mean we're never alone, 

Never alone, no, no 

Come on, Come on

Move a little closer 

Come on, Come on

I want to hear you whisper

Come on, Come on 

Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on 

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on 

We were once

Upon a time in love

Come on, come on

Spin a little tighter

Come on, come on 

And the world's a little brighter

Come on, come on 

Just get yourself inside her 

Love ...I'm in love