past the point of no return

So I’m back here again in Dundee, ready to finish final year… It feels like my life is not being fast-tracked anymore but I’m not referring to the 4 or 5 hours of sleep I was living on while in the Philippines… I mean spiritually. It’s as though the air has become so still, I can hardly feel the moving of the Spirit.

Looking back on these five years, the first piece of advice any doctor or medical student gives to a newbie is to fight as hard as you can to keep a life separate from medicine, even though medicine is a vocation. It’s just so you can keep your sanity. And yet I find that when I’m in Singapore or the UK, I see so many Christians who fight to keep their spiritual life separate from their real life. Calling the Philippines my home I suppose was a very dangerous and bold step, but while people say that blood is thicker than water, the Holy Spirit is thicker than blood. It’s easy to keep the fire burning when the people around you have spiritual firepower coursing through their veins, but how do you keep up the pace in the midst of a spiritual standstill? I’m not sure but it is a challenge I cannot escape or refuse. Many around me still advise that short-term missions are the way to go, but I’m past the point of no return now… At the start of 2007, I embarked on the journey to discover the true heart of a missionary. And as I continue this search to understand more and more, I’m being drawn deeper and deeper into a world I cannot escape. Nor do I have any wish to.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11

i wanna go home

Dedicated to all those who made their homes in my heart

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedureFor there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him."

Ecclesiastes 8:5,6

In the past two years, I’ve spent more time in the Philippines than I have in Singapore. Why? I know there’s always a specific reason for why God brings me to wherever he does. Yet up until recently, I never found the reason for why I was there although I felt in every fibre of my being that God directed me here for a purpose. If so, what was it? When people ask me why I was there again, I told them I was there for my elective. It’s the truth.

But as it says in Proverbs 16:9 ‘In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.’ A month went by and I still wasn’t sure I had found it. I admit I was beginning to get disappointed. Was I there by my own choice or by God’s? But one Sunday, I sat there thinking about how I was leaving soon and the strangest thought popped in my head. I thought to myself ‘How nice it would be when the day comes that I don’t have to count down to the time I’m leaving.’ And I was really shocked at this idea because that would mean me staying here indefinitely. While I’m not sure about that, I finally found the reason after all. I wasn’t coming to Palawan for my elective, I was coming home.

I suppose it would seem as though I’m turning my back on my own family in Singapore, but God reminds me so clearly of Jesus’ words in Luke 9:62 to the man who wanted to say goodbye to his family: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” This is my first charge as God’s steward: to abandon all that I’ve known. No regrets. God never takes away something without giving something better in return. Some people tell me that I’ve been brave in leaving my comfort zone to come here. If so, then call me a coward because I’ve never felt more in my comfort zone than being in the Philippines. I can’t explain why God chose the Philippines but there are many things about God’s grace I cannot explain. But when the blessing is so great, I can’t complain.

A week before I was leaving, the only song that played in my mind was the song ‘Home’ by Michael Buble. All I think of is, I wanna go home. I used to think how far away Puerto was just to get there, but home never seems too far away isn't it? I know many more tears must fall before I can finally go back… but these tears are only a reminder of how precious this family has become to me. I know that at the end of the day, when God opens the way, it will all be worth the wait.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home

I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

another beginning

14 July 2008

Once again, the madness begins. My flights have been cancelled or I'm not on them. 30 minutes before departure I find out I do have one and have to make a mad run for it. As I run toward the plane, I hear God whisper to me, 'My child, this is only the beginning.' I have to say I didn't quite know what he meant. I couldn't even begin to describe all that happened after I landed. I have always enjoyed travelling on my own for God has been my best companion; when we're alone, he knows and sees all my vulnerabilities and I can be so transparent Yet finally I begin to think it would be nice to have company. Good or bad I don't know. But being away from the field for a year has left me soft. I've been sleeping for too long in this land of luxury. God is pushing me again, this time to see how far love will take me. Steven Curtis Chapman's song plays in my mind, especially the lyrics, 'If I wanna say I love you, I gotta be faithful too; the true test of my love will be, did I follow you consistently? Through the good and the bad, I wanna be faithful too.' I ask myself if I've done enough to deserve to say 'I love you'. Perhaps 'deserve' isn't the right word, our sinful nature means there is nothing good we deserve. But has my heart been right that God would give me this privilege? I have no answer. I do not need to work to earn his love, it was given freely. But it seems God is still working so hard to earn our love, for we are so easily divided and distracted.

12 August 2008
"And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16


May God recall to life this reckless abandon I once knew. Overcome with sickness, I sit here and moan the minutes away as I feel the life drain out of me. But this Scripture from Esther is not me giving up on life. Indeed not, I'd be selfish to do that. But in January 2007, I testified that I would climb mountains for God if he sent me, to go wherever he laid before me. And as much as all his promises are 'Yes', so he will enable us to honour the promises we made him too.


"If I can sing, let my songs be full of his glory.
If I can speak, let all my words be full of his grace,
If I should live or die, let me be found pursuing this prize;
The one that alone satisfies, the treasure of Jesus."

Coming

Well well well... final year. It seems more like a miracle that I survived 4th year but here I am. I can't remember when I was ever this nervous but all through my exams I could hear the voice of Jesus echo the words of Matthew 28:20, "... and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What sweet words indeed. I must have song the words 'I need thee every hour' a thousand times... My only gripe is that I'm probably not allowed to sing aloud in exams... :)

I once said that everytime I prepare to go on a trip, things tend to go awry. Maybe some would think it sounds like a curse on myself, but it's just God's reminder that his grace is with me as I begin. I admit that sometimes I wish I could do without a reminder, but God knows better. I obviously can't. Once again, my flights went awry and I'd no time to reschedule them. Of course that's not all, I couldn't contact my friends in the Philippines because my phone died on me. What can I say except that God is faithful, so faithful.

It seems that my blogging will come to an end soon. Not because I'm tired of writing posts, I love writing about God's grace, but it seems I'm running out of words to describe the awesome greatness of our Lord and King. As I grow closer to him and learn more of him, I find myself more speechless. Maybe this is what you call stunned silence.

Yes, let me be wretched, let me be poor, blind, deaf and dumb, but not without grace.

"Just as I am, without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

-Just as I am without one plea, Charlotte Elliot

I need thee every hour

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like thine can peace afford.

I need thee, O I need thee; every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
And thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.

Heaven's beautiful melody

These past few weeks I've been writing blog posts so often and I'm not sure if it's just because I've got more time to kill... As I sit here and think, I cannot help wonder what the reason is behind God sending me back to Palawan although I'll find out when I get there. I remember the exact same thing in my decision to go back to Myanmar a second time. All I know is, there is a reason I was meant to go back and it's not just my elective. I suppose it's got to do somewhat with the fact that I have a lot of maturing and training to do before I'm ready.

On a more personal level, I'm looking forward to the heartfelt conversations I used to have. While the internet has been great for helping me keep in touch, it's not the same. I think of the times in my life where I've had the best conversations, whether it's swinging in a hammock enjoying the sea breeze, curled in a corner drinking orange pekoe tea, lying in an open field watching the sunrise, eating ice cream in a cafe or sitting in the pews of St Andrew's and feeling the peace of God wash over me. But the places don't really matter, it's the people who make the difference. I still ask God why my soulmates are scattered far and wide across the world although I already know the answer. It's to help me feel the need of God, to turn to him and not to man when I need a pick-me-up.

Thinking of all the future mission plans I've made, I look forward to the day when I can honour those commitments. But until then, to all those I love, thanks for speaking my language...

We come together for a holy purpose
We come together for the highest cause
We speak one language from a heart of worship
Gathered to bring the song to the world
For your glory

With one voice we will sing
Every tribe and every tongue
Brings a harmony
With one voice we will bring
Heaven's beautiful melody
Down to this earth
As we sing to our king
With one voice

Oceans divide us but we sing together
Now what defines is our love of you
From every nation and across all borders
Gathered to bring the song to the world

-With One Voice, Steven Curtis Chapman

the sweetest thing

It's been somewhat of an anti-climactic end to the year... the last day has ended with me taking my obstetrics and gynaecology assessment with my eyes at half-mast. So sleep is the only thing on my mind right now. This morning when I woke up, I was still so tired that I felt like I couldn't put two and two together, let alone take a test, but one thing was still so clear in my mind.

My blog entries have always been about the beauty of God's creation, or God's grace. Yet while I marvel at the the blue sky, green grass and colourful flowers, I have never admired God's greatest creation as much: humanity. Yet this is another reason for why I wanted to do medicine... Communicating with people seemed to be easier than with animals and plants (for the most part). All too often I have seen the proud, arrogant, shameful side of humanity that it's hard to picture how God might have created man in his own image.

As I stood in the corner of the theatre, I watched this woman finally break down in tears from the pain and stress that this pregnancy had given her. Of course, the staff try to offer reassurance as always but it usually falls on deaf ears. Though her husband wanted to hold her hand, the lines and drips made things difficult. But then, as he sat beside her wiping the tears from her eyes, he then pressed the tissue to his eyes to wipe away his own tears. That, I think is the beauty of humanity.

It's easy to laugh with someone, and easy to give someone a hug or their hand a squeeze for comfort, but there is something amazing about being able to cry with someone. Perhaps seeing a man cry was probably something surprising in itself. The delivery of their baby wasn't perhaps a Kodak moment to me, but seeing these two parents-to-be battle together was. Indeed, I pray that we would never lose the precious gift of humanity.