the basin and the towel

It feels like ages since I last posted a blog entry but time has not been my own and life has been a little more crazy than usual. Graduation is finally over and it's nice to finally chat about things past medical school. It's odd sometimes explaining why I'm not going back to Singapore but I know that in my heart it's not time yet.

But for now, I need to find the silence in my heart and just enjoy that, before the days of working nights and carrying the arrest bleep run me down. I've had good mentors through the years. Mentors who remind me that sometimes all you need is to be true to yourself and to what you believe in. A couple of weeks ago I bought a Michael Card CD and heard this amazing song which I knew I would be singing each day for the rest of my life as a doctor..

"And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
That day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

In any ordinary place,on any ordinary day,
The parable can live again
When one will kneel and one will yield.
Our Saviour Servant must show us how
Through the will of the water and the tenderness of the towel."

-The Basin and the Towel, Michael Card

May God grant me the humility to take up the basin and towel every day.

this is for you...

This period must surely merit a post though for the past two days, I just can't find the words to express my happiness. And when I finally manage to scrounge up some words, the tears get in the way. I guess when I entered medical school five years ago, I knew this day would come eventually. But no one ever said that it would feel this good.

Knowing we passed our portfolio exams doesn't just mean medical school is over, that we can call ourselves doctors, that we can go on to take our foundation jobs, that we'll be getting our first salary in August; for me, it's more than that. It means that I'm one step closer to the mission field. I know the world thinks me crazy for being impatient to sit my postgraduate exams, but now that undergraduate exams are over, it's something to look forward to. This chapter of my life has finally finished and it's time to start writing a longer one and it can only get better.

But the tears I cry aren't really tears of happiness... they're tears of gratitude... Gratitude to the mercy that has flowed from the throne of God into me, but also to each person who has been a part of my life and helped shape who I am. Five years ago, I remember sitting on my mum's bed and said that perhaps I shouldn't pursue medicine because it would cost an awful lot. But my mum told me that if this was what I wanted, they would support me.

To Mummy and Daddy - thanks for the genes, the prayers and the love.

To Ming che and Jo - for the online chats when I was bored.

To Remy - for pampering me when I came home.

To my Ee-Ees - for the daily emails and for lending me your shirt at the interview.

To my grandparents - for being more proud of me than anyone ever could be.

To those who inspired me - Ate Ding, Prof Chew, Dr Sum, Dr Ben, Ate Julie, V

To my prayer warriors and soulmates- Ate Babes, Ate Jenn, Ate Joy, Ate Gen, Zelda

To my fellow Dundonians - Tara and Charl - or rather, Dr Morley and Dr Soulsby

To those who made me smile - Philip, Di, Nat, Man Yun

To those who believed in me - Auntie Connie, Auntie Jen, Uncle Yew Meng and Auntie Hannah.

And to little Simone - I hope that when you said you wanted to be like Che Che Deborah, you meant you wanted to become a doctor, not the big bad wolf.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13,14

Lord, all this is for you.

in the world, not of the world

Stray thoughts have been racing through my head these past few weeks but I feel like I just haven't had enough to put a blog post together. As usual, in the run-up to exams, my mind is drifting and I am doing everything BUT revising for exams. I wasn't like this before but as I fill my time watching Star Trek Voyager, I realise how much my education system had fashioned me into a Borg drone. Complete a task and start on another. Every drone is part of the one collective mind. Every inch of creativity and individuality is suppressed. Pleasure is irrelevant. I have to admit, it's been enjoyable coming out into the real world.

Last night, I happened to catch the Da Vinci code on TV and realise how unreal the world really is. While the Israelites are often mentioned in the Bible 'doing evil in the eyes of the Lord', their practices were often limited to worshipping foreign gods... Two millenia later, we're inventing new ways everyday to diminish the true power of God. I expect someone will be printing one of those 'A-Page-A-Day' calendars on such a topic. Angry? Yes, that's the emotion I expected myself to have. But I don't have the right to be. I am part of Adam's fallen race. I find myself before the throne and the only words I have are, 'Lord, have mercy.' It makes me sad to think that man has tried to mortalise God through a movie. But a great Comforter he has been and always will be, he spoke to me through John 1:14 "The only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." Spurgeon writes in his devotional, "You can say, 'He is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside. He has done that for me which none but a God could do... Let others think as they will of Him, to me He must be the only begotten of the Father, blessed be his name'."

Indeed, he is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside.

if i had words...

3 years ago, I was sitting on the train back to Dundee after arriving back in Scotland and I just kept singing to myself the song 'Just like Heaven'. I remember the wave of despair and frustration that came upon me that I struggled and overcame by the grace of God. After the 3 years of 'peace', the waves are rising again. Only this time, Satan is not after me alone but to supplant those who stand with me as well. Though the five of us are closely bonded in love, friendship and prayer, the past few weeks have been a time of turmoil for each of us. Though we keep in constant communication that we might encourage each other and to share our requests, the devil tries to block that too so that we might feel the weight of loneliness and finally give in. Our communication still hasn't been restored and I admit I am feeling the frustration of it all, but within me I know that there is a cord that can never be broken. It is the bond of love that Jesus has bound us in.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is the all-prevailing power of prayer. I continued to claim the words of Luke 10:19 in our lives, for Jesus has given us the authority to overcome all the power of the enemy, and I know that Satan has no ground to stand on.

Things suddenly started to fall into place and though there are still bumps along the way, I'll just hop over them now. Having got my rotation in ophthalmology has been such a great answer to my prayers and dreams that I find myself speechless before the Lord. Just smiles and silence. I guess there are some who would think nothing of it, that it's just for a few months and that no one probably wanted it anyway. But that isn't the point. The point is that God knew what I wanted and He gave it to me. By his design, not mine.

I suppose this is an odd song to be singing to the Lord, but I find there is a simplicity and honesty in the words...

"If I had words to make a day for you,
I'd sing you a morning golden and new.
I would make this day last for all time,
Give you a night dipped in moonshine."

I AM BORG

Over 2 months ago, I closed my blog... 'Why?' so many ask me... The answer is in the last post, revealed only to those who can read between the lines, or perhaps to those God chooses to reveal it to. It seems the bigger question at hand is why open it again. I am not sure really. Maybe I need it more than I realised.

Being a missionary is difficult, but being a missionary amongst non-missionaries is more difficult and it is a daily challenge for me. For a long time now, I have been impatient to enter into full-time ministry because I can feel the calling and I get frustrated because it will be a long time before I know it can happen. I ask God why if he did not let me go now, why call me so early, and how I wish I knew someone who knew what I was going through. Then I laughed to myself, thinking of my foolishness... Jesus waited thirty years before he began his ministry though he knew from the day he was born that the life of a missionary was his. Yet when he began, there were no obstacles and no doubts at all. I might be past the age of 30 before I get to go, but I know that when the day comes, the obstacles and doubts will all disappear.

Hebrews 11:13 - 16 still ring in my head from the post I wrote in December, I know that I have no home on this earth... I have been here in Scotland for 5 years now, with some of the friendliest people I know. There are people whom I have met who are so genuine and endowed with such generosity. Yet I withdraw from those around me... perhaps it is fear. While part of me admits it is fear, I find that I have little conversation to fill the awkward silences. I don't know how to talk about the weather anymore, something I had mastered extremely well coming here. So what then? Isolation is not the answer. How do I find the push that I need? I find myself often looking forward and thinking it'll happen, give it another year. But yet, I sit where I am and like Jane Austen's Mr Darcy claim that I have not the talent of conversing with others.

I feel much like Seven of Nine, having been severed from the collective. Those whose every thought she once shared are far from her and integration into human society is extremely difficult. Small talk and idle chatter lie out of her comprehension and perfection is her only aim. Yes, perfection indeed. I too, aim to be perfect, perfect in Christ Jesus.

closed

“All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm in the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22

One of the most encouraging things about my blog is when someone leaves a comment to tell me that my words have helped them in one way or another. With the covenants I have made this year with God and other spiritual partners, the year 2009 promises to be an exciting year. Yet in the build-up to 2009, my world seemed to fall apart. Reality set in and the dream I dreamed was no more than a dream and the nightingale has finally lost her song. But the grace doesn’t end here, nor does the journey. Just this blog. A few days ago I realised that as even in a Christian journey, some paths are wide enough for many to pass at a time. Others are narrow, barely enough to fit one, but that is the path that lies ahead of me now. The terrain is getting more difficult to climb and the story can only be shared by those who have gone before me.

2009 will bring great trials and infinite grace. This I know for sure.

Close every door to me, hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows and shut out the light
Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime and torture my night
If my life was important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie far from this world
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me
Children of Israel are never alone
For I know I shall find my own peace of mind
For I have been promised a land of my own.

- Close Every Door, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Castle on a cloud

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:13 – 16

I’ve just been to the Isle of Islay, an amazing little island with the most gorgeous scenery and the friendliest people. While people always tell me that Dundee is a nice quiet hideaway, this is even more so. The quiet little village has given me time to clear up all the mucky thoughts in my head and get back to basics with God. And the air is so fresh you can see it reflected in the colours of the scenery.

I have been lulling over this passage in Hebrews 11 for about 6 weeks now but just haven’t had the time to read this entry. But being on Islay has given me time to listen to the words more clearly and to reflect on them much more. I think Hebrews 11 is such a beautiful summary of those who hungered after God, who lived, loved and died in the shadow of God. And to me, it seems to be written in a more contemporary, direct style. Perhaps another reminder to keep our faith alive.

I find myself quite speechless at this point seeing how self-explanatory this passage is. After all this while, I’ve made a little home in the Philippines. I’ve seriously considered building a house there and having my own little castle. But at the end of the day, I guess one of the reasons I’m always going out of Singapore is because I am looking for a country of my own. It doesn’t matter which country I go to as long as I go on God’s errand. I will keep on travelling to wherever God sends me, but I know that the country I will settle in doesn’t exist on this earth.