Higher window

People often wonder why I don't crave human relationships as much as the average person. But after hearing the endless stream of secular love songs on the radio, it's no surprise why anyone would want to have someone to sing those songs to. But people assume I have no one to sing to just because they don't see him. I admit that after going through my operation, I realise how much I have needed to rely on the help and love of others, without whom I could not have survived.

I recently came across this beautiful song called 'Higher Window' and I think of all the times I've gone wrong, turned astray or tried to do things my own way. All that only made me realise how small I was without him, how much I missed him when I was away from him. But only when we pour ourselves out and become completely honest with him, he always tells me that it's never too late for me to love him. I close my eyes and imagine that higher window with streams of grace and mercy flowing from above and it fills my heart with joy and comfort to know that I can always come back to him. Though doors may close in my face, no one can touch that higher window. That window will always be open to me. And what a great comfort that is.

And so this song is dedicated to the One who will always love me, even when all else fades.

Higher Window, by Josh Groban

For all the times I've tried for this

And every chance at you I've missed

Been known to go my way

But I confess it made me miss you more.

I drew my line across the sand

And set my flag in no-man's land

But here I am, the one man band

With a song that's meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window

Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

Bringing an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tell me that it's too late

For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be

Our warm and silent symmetry

It's time like these when we all

All we need is to be reminded

Oh and I have flown a thousand miles

To empty rooms and crowded aisles

And we went from cathedral bells

To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells

And I still look at you and I am blinded

I am blinded

Because there is a light

From a higher window

Shining down on us tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tel me that it's too late

For me to love you.

wonders of the world

It's now been 9 days since I've planted myself onto the couch and the road to recovery seems to be stretching out longer and longer with each passing day. On the bright side, I have lots of free time to study, although that hasn't quite happened yet.

My friends and family have always known to be stubborn and fiercely independent and I had every intention of managing on my own after the operation. I was told that it would probably take about 10 days before I could walk but I was confident that with a little of faith, I could manage on my own. But of course, my parents weren't having any of that, especially my mother.

Every one has heard of the 7 wonders of the world. The title 'Wonder of the World' has become so prestigious that every country wants to have a 'man-made' or 'natural' wonder of the world in their country. But to me, the greatest wonder in the world is the love of God. A love that's so totally unselfish and amazing. His love keeps me spellbound and his gifts are so generous. But there is a second wonder of the world - mothers. Mothers are peculiar things. They do things that people wouldn't ordinarily do for another person or even another relative. My mum insisted coming up to look after me after my surgery and has been cooking and cleaning for me the last 2 weeks. I suppose no man is an island after all and I'm not sure how I would have survived without her.

All in all, I'm grateful for everything God has given me, especially my mummy.

destined

Things have been moving so quickly in the past few weeks or even days, but then it feels like my life is just beginning again. Dundee has been the only life I've known for the last 7 years that I've been so loathe to give it up. The other day I looked at my prayer requests for this year and one of them was for God to give me direction in the specialty I should do and where to do it. And at the end of the day, what I do or where I do it doesn't really matter as long as I go where God is or sends me.

Being here in Dundee gave me the opportunities to pursue this missionary life, one I would never have known if I had studied in Singapore. But now it's part in my life is over and I have to go back. I am so thankful that God helped me to pass my MRCP the first time but I knew that things would be set in motion the moment I did. My heart seems so full of fear and trepidation, the thought of packing up, moving home, rebuilding a life, starting from scratch in a new hospital. It's not the life I would have chosen but there are bigger reasons. My heart has also never been so excited. This will be my first time as proper missionary doctor and 2011 will be the biggest year for me. Two months in the Philippines, China, Mongolia and whatever God has in store for me. I am sad that I'm giving up my ophthalmology dream but it's no comparison.

Finally, it feels like I'm beginning to fulfil the destiny that God has mapped out for me.

"I have questions

You have answers

I have wounds

You heal with love

I am weak and you are mighty

Hungry and you fill me up

This was meant to be

When you created me.

I was destined to love you

I was bound to adore you

Purposed to need you

Certain to want you

Designed to pursue you with praise

I was destined to love you

You define me with your greatness

I am shaked by mercy's hand

It's your word that gives me meaning

Yours forever, great I am

How can joy be known

It's in you alone"

- Destined, Avalon

joy in the journey

After working an average of 11 hours over the past 14 days, I finally have some time to sit and think. My life is still the same, working in the hospital day in, day out, going for nice meals with my friends or chilling in front of the tv with some ice cream and tea. This is the life that I have enjoyed for the past 6 years and I have always loved it. I suppose my personality always wants to resist change, although I suppose that is human nature.

But things have taken a turn recently. A big one. I thought making the decision to change colleges was the biggest one I had and I suppose it had been until now. Sometimes God puts before us paths that we don't want to walk just because we don't like the look of it or we don't know where we're going. I've been taking detours, but as they say, 'All roads lead to Rome,' and every path takes me back onto this road that I've been so loathed to tread.

Just like a bolt out of the blue, God struck a chord in my heart that it was time to go home. Not for all the reasons my family has been giving me, but much more than that. I find that since I started work, I'm beginning to lose the person that I am and want to become. The spiritual covering that I receive from my friends and family while I'm home, or the fellowship that I have with others while on missions. It's all becoming a distant memory. I miss the conversations about the things we want to accomplish together for God and no dream is impossible.

What now? I've forgotten the joy in the journey. How do I find it again? Since making the decision to finally go back to Singapore, my mind and my heart have been at peace with myself, and more importantly, with God. No matter how difficult the life may be at home, I feel that I can handle anything with God with me.

for you alone

I've survived my first week of on-call shifts, just barely, and solely due to the grace of God. Things have been so busy at work recently that I've just realised that I've not written a blog post in over a month. I spent last night browsing through some of my last few posts and I guess the same subject is still on my mind. Where do I go?

My heart has always been in the mission field and so it really doesn't matter whether I'm here or in Singapore. If so, why am I so bent on staying here? Now that God is showing me that medicine is the path that I need to choose and ophthalmology will have to remain a dream, things seem a bit clearer. I find myself standing in front of the path that I must take but yet not really keen to tread.

I'd always planned that in about 3 years time, I'd take some time out to spend doing missions but somehow I'm sure that if I went back to Singapore, that reality would just dissolve into thin air. Would it? I don't know. I think it would.

Anyway, I just picked up my old mp3 player and put on an old song called 'For you alone' and thoughts of who I am and want to be all came flooding back, especially hearing the first line - 'Lord, give me a dream...' Yes Lord, give me a dream. Your dream.

jericho

After 3 weeks of gallivanting around the UK, I feel it's time to write a more serious blog post. Mostly because I need to rather than want to.

Have you ever felt like your world is collapsing? Like the walls are crumbling around you? I don't get that feeling very often. But I did yesterday. Ever since I graduated, my family have been keen for me to return to Singapore but I've always resisted it. Not because I didn't want to go home, but because I always felt that being in the UK would give me the best platform towards becoming a full-time missionary.

I've built a life for myself here, one that I love. Last week I was ready to buy a house here and following on from that, get a new car. But since I started work, my feet have been giving me awful bother and I now have to take time off from work to get them operated on. I thought that things would be alright and I wouldn't need to take too much time off from work to recover but things haven't gone the way I planned, as most things don't for everyone.

The bottom line was that if I didn't manage to come back quickly enough to work, it would be curtains for my career here in the UK. At that moment, I felt like my world was caving in. I stood outside the office frantically trying to wipe the tears away. What was wrong with going home? I don't know, nothing really. I just don't feel it's right. But all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. What is God's purpose? I don't know. I wish I did.

It just seems a bit too much thinking about moving back home in the next 12 months or less than that even. On the other hand, whether Singapore or UK, it's only a matter of time before we find our true home. If that's the case, does it matter?

I don't know. I really don't know. Lord tune my heart to hear your voice.

slow or quick

Too often I find that I allow my emotions to get the better of me. My personality is ruled by my heart rather than my head which is why I think I get so attached to my patients. There is always someone more senior around who has your back but then it doesn't change the fact that I still get very protective of each person I look after. I suppose it's both good and bad.. The bad thing is that I have 'letting go' issues. Most people don't see patients the same way I do and obviously things can get difficult when they don't.

I allowed myself to get so angry when someone didn't care the way I did and was I right or wrong? I'm still not sure. Does it matter less when you fix the problem in time? Or is a mistake still a mistake regardless of the outcome?

The only message God has given me to take away from this are the words in James 1:19,20:

'Dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.'

Perhaps I did what was right to protect the patient, but maybe not in the way that God would have wanted me to. Bottom line is, did it feel like I was living the righteous life God wanted? That day, I didn't. But if I remember this day, perhaps it'll keep me from making the same mistake tomorrow.