to where you are

Ever since I moved back to Singapore, my blog writing has fallen by the wayside. And seeing as how this blog is a time for me to reflect on my walk with God and the things he has done for me, I know within myself that I just haven't taken much time to reflect this year. In just 4 days, it will be my 1st year anniversary of my great migration... what better time to look back on the months past?

The most recent event was completing my postgraduate exams in February. I don't know if I deserved to pass to be honest, but I definitely prayed for it and I thank God for hearing my prayers. Now, my world has suddenly opened up again to all the things I wanted to do, especially going on mission trips again.

In less than a month, I will be leaving my current department doing infectious diseases and it really saddens me. All just because I've had a chance to really exercise the humane side of me, working with those who have been stigmatised and ostracised by society. It has been a painful journey for me even, but also there have been such heartwarming experiences during this time.

But being here in this department, being able to practice tropical medicine, work with those who are really in need and having jumped the hurdle of exams, my life has taken a totally different perspective. I am finally starting to concentrate again on taking a year out to do relief work. I have encountered so much resistance from my friends and family about going to the Congo and to be honest, it is a scary thought. But God reminds me that he wants to take me from where I am to where he wants me to be and wherever that me, Singapore or the Congo, it will be equally scary but I just have to go where he leads.

I have just started reading Nouwen's book on Spiritual Direction and these words spoke to me so beautifully, 'In spiritual listening, we encounter a God who cannot be fully understood, we discover realities that can not be controlled, and we realise that our hope is hidden not in the possession of power but in the confession of weakness.'

Amen to that. Lord, take me to where you are.

where we are

I find that the best way to reflect on the past year is to look through my blog. I look at the issues that stood out through the year and more importantly, I feel the emotions that I had when they were freshest in my mind at that point in time.

I haven’t written as many blog posts as I usually do which actually makes me feel sad because I must have missed out something important during that time but then life is too short regrets and I know that the future years will bring more than enough to write about.

At our new year’s day service, the pastor asked us to reflect, one of which was the things we regret. And immediately, what sprung to mind was ‘coming back to Singapore’. But my heart was very quick to refute it and told me, ‘No, this is exactly right where I need to be.’ As the saying goes ‘how can something so wrong feel so right?’ Mine is the exact opposite – how can something so right feel so wrong? And yet somehow, that’s enough assurance for me. There are times we doubt the decisions we make, even though we can’t go back, but for me, there has always been nothing surer than the peace in my heart.

This year, I’ve done the great migration, found my way back into missions, failed exams, passed exams and best of all, I found out who I want to be and where I want to be. People always say how quickly the year goes by but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like the days have inched by and just because God wanted me to carefully examine each day that I live.

Although there are many days in between when I have not lived well for his glory, I know that God will enable me to stand firm.

This 2012, God help me to abandon it all.

more to this life

I've usually been quite faithful in writing my blog posts but ever since I arrived in Singapore, I've just been so overwhelmed with all that is going on. People in Singapore think it's naturally the workload that gets to you, but it's not at all. Work here is a complete breeze and it's funny that even other people I've met coming from the UK have said the same thing. But people here are generally more uptight and it's driven by the lack of humanity in this society.

Each day was a constant struggle against the system. Now that I am gone, I am even more grateful for the NHS and how despite its difficulties, it is a system that cares. I am appalled by the system here and like how I am so often told by my patients - you can die but you can't get sick. What a sad truth, but truth indeed. After the first three months, I feel myself so ravaged by the coldness and callousness of the system and I am losing this battle to hold onto the true me..

But I thank God for holding on to me and bringing me to this new hospital. A place where things just seem like a different world. Many people shun this place just because of the stigma to it but each day I am pleasantly surprised and comforted by the selflessness of these physicians. How they stay true to the ethos of what being a doctor really means. To care for those who are sick, poor, isolated and even shunned by society. To fight for a better life for those they look after.

Well, what about the system? All I can say is, go fight city hall. We just have to make do and accept it. Maybe so, but being here, I realise that there is so much we have to offer as individuals. I always thought that a part of me would give up doing ophthalmology, in exchange for doing infectious diseases, which I may not enjoy as much. But I was wrong, God never takes away something without giving more in return.

After being in Singapore for 6 months, I have found that there is more to this life here after all.

"I sit and watch in silence
As people pass me by
And I strained to see if there was something
Hidden in their eyes
But they all looked back at me
As if to say
Life just goes on

The old familiar story told in different ways
Make the most of your own journey
From the cradle to the grave
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on

But there's more to this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more that this life alone can be...

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we'll find
Life's true beginning is back at the cross where he died

Where he died, to bring us more
To this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more than this life alone can be.

More to this life, Steven Curtis Chapman

one step forward, two steps back

I've technically been in Singapore for one and a half months now but I've not spent more than a total of two weeks in the country. It feels a little like I've been making up for lost time, going on as many mission trips as I can. One reason was just because my time would be limited once I started work but more importantly, I needed to get back to who I was and to reawaken the sleeping giant within me.

I've been round the Philippines as usual and it was so refreshing to be around people who had such a fire to serve the Lord. To be with the people who could understand your heart without you explaining or knew what you wanted to say before you spoke it.

But I knew that this year would bring more than just the need for me to retrace my steps. Oh no much more than that. This year was different from all the others because when I stepped out into the mission field, I was now trained as a doctor, no more a medical student. Two years ago, I felt so ready to go and now that I have been out into the field, I feel like I have taken a step back and become so unprepared. But in the last two weeks, I have experienced such a fulness of God's grace and mercy, and though at times, I am still unsure of the difference I have made, I realise that at the end of the day, we aren't the difference. He is. He is the only difference that matters in this world.

Lord, thank you for showing me how small I am in this world and how important it is to be small.

"I seek the Giver not the gift."

place in this world

As the days passed, I began to fall in love with ophthalmology all over again. I can't think why I ever let go of it and now I am contemplating the most difficult path of all - to try and do ophthalmology in Singapore but to pass my MRCP before then. I don't know if I will be successful but right now, I am just happy that after speaking to someone in the organisation I hope to work in in the future, that I don't actually have to give up ophthalmology. That came as a huge surprise to me, but a good one nonetheless.

Yesterday was my last day of work here and it was sad but also it was nice to get thank you cards and flowers from my colleagues. I have loved being here so much and I hate leaving this part of me behind. I wish Dundee were nearer so I could come visit more often.

In 3 weeks' time, I will be back in Singapore and embarking on my new journey, wherever that may lead. But trying to chase all these dreams within me is actually so difficult, the oodles of exams to sit, courses to attend, articles to write. I am just afraid to lose the me that I want to become.

Lord, help me to find my place in this world.

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful

A head that's full of dreams

But this becoming is harder than it seems

Feels like

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night

To find my place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

If there are millions

Down on their knees

Among the many

Can you still hear me

Hear me asking

Where do I belong

Is there a vision

That I can call my own

Show me

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

-Place in this World, Avalon

If I walk away

I have loved being back here in Dundee and especially back doing ophthalmology again. So much so, that it's brought alot of doubt about going back home. I have no choice now that everything is set in motion and once I leave, there will be no way to come back. It pains me to give it up but there is just no choice. I have always loved ophthalmology and love it still. I think I always will but I try and remember that I gave it up for a higher purpose, to fulfil my calling. In my heart, I still hold on to the dream that maybe when I am finished with my training, I will get a chance to go back to ophthalmology. It seems a waste that all I've worked for these few years were for nothing. I'm still trying to understand the path that God has charted for me. It seemed so clear a few months ago and I just needed to walk along that path, but it's as though the snow has come and covered the path ahead of me and I can't see where I'm going.

It feels like I want to be an ophthalmologist more than I want to work in the WHO. But does that mean I'm choosing my dream over God's? Maybe. It was him who planted the desire in my heart in the first place.

I can only hope and pray that I am not walking out of God's will and purpose for my life. But if I walk away Lord, please follow me.

Lately, I've been the quiet one

Waiting, searching the lines

Of the songs you played for me.

Sailing into the misty air,

Fading, bound for I don't know where,

When I'm there, I'll see.

And if I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Weightless, drifting through stars

I got faithless,

Woke in the dark and

I made this from my dream

Play me all your sweet rhymes

Recreate me, now comes the time

When I'll need your truth to see.

And if I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Walk away,

Let the fear fall away,

Into the fire you made,

Scarlet and gold.

Walk away,

Head for the light of day,

Follow a brighter way,

Out of the cold and dark,

Down to the one bright spark,

Futures that all might start,

Someday.

So if I walk away,

Please follow me,

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

Fragments, shells of a long ago lifetime,

Faces that once were mine,

Thrown down by the sea.

- If I walk away, Josh Groban

Higher window

People often wonder why I don't crave human relationships as much as the average person. But after hearing the endless stream of secular love songs on the radio, it's no surprise why anyone would want to have someone to sing those songs to. But people assume I have no one to sing to just because they don't see him. I admit that after going through my operation, I realise how much I have needed to rely on the help and love of others, without whom I could not have survived.

I recently came across this beautiful song called 'Higher Window' and I think of all the times I've gone wrong, turned astray or tried to do things my own way. All that only made me realise how small I was without him, how much I missed him when I was away from him. But only when we pour ourselves out and become completely honest with him, he always tells me that it's never too late for me to love him. I close my eyes and imagine that higher window with streams of grace and mercy flowing from above and it fills my heart with joy and comfort to know that I can always come back to him. Though doors may close in my face, no one can touch that higher window. That window will always be open to me. And what a great comfort that is.

And so this song is dedicated to the One who will always love me, even when all else fades.

Higher Window, by Josh Groban

For all the times I've tried for this

And every chance at you I've missed

Been known to go my way

But I confess it made me miss you more.

I drew my line across the sand

And set my flag in no-man's land

But here I am, the one man band

With a song that's meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window

Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

Bringing an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tell me that it's too late

For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be

Our warm and silent symmetry

It's time like these when we all

All we need is to be reminded

Oh and I have flown a thousand miles

To empty rooms and crowded aisles

And we went from cathedral bells

To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells

And I still look at you and I am blinded

I am blinded

Because there is a light

From a higher window

Shining down on us tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tel me that it's too late

For me to love you.