Disembodied

My mind is still a whirlpool of thoughts, trying to organise all that I have seen and heard over the last week. I couldn't fall asleep last night, looking at the websites of the various NGOs that I had seen while in Kenya, websites that I had combed through endlessly in my days as a medical student, holding out a dream of joining them one day. Even as I watch documentaries of the wildebeest migration or African wildlife, I  feel a strange connection and excitement in my heart. 

Going through the websites this time, the stories and messages really stirred my heart as they now became real to me, having just been in that exact place. I met amazing people and beautiful men and women of God who have edified my soul so richly. 

That Sunday in church was such an awesome encounter with the Holy Spirit as he brought me to my knees before the greatness of God, even while singing a song that I couldn't understand the words of, but the Spirit transcends all words or languages. 

I suppose I am somewhat glad to be back to civilisation with good sanitation and a fresh supply of water, but I know in my heart, without any doubt whatsoever that I am not going to stay here forever. Like a strange feeling of being disembodied. This is not the life I am chasing after or the life I desire. 

My future is held in the eyes of these beautiful people I have met, who have captured my soul. They have taught me to see through the eyes of Jesus and to discover the love and compassion that he had for his people. 

Indeed, I have been blessed by you.

at the feet of Jesus

It's unlike me to have not written a blog post for 4 months but perhaps it's just a reflection of how my spiritual life has stagnated for a while. 

For the last 7 years I have been going on mission trips in response to the calling that has been given me but also in an effort to discover where God will place me in the future.  This trip has in no way been the most arduous for me but I have experienced so many breakthroughs during this trip.

The past two years have been particularly intense as I desperately pray and search a place to take a sabbath year as part of my promise to God. And after much searching, my thoughts and prayers had fallen on the Congo to the dismay of my family and friends. So I had to get on this trip to Africa to discover if this might be where He would place me.

Unlike any other trips that I have been on, this trip really allowed me to come into my own right as a doctor. To love and to take responsibility for each patient as Jesus would. And I have seen how God can use me not because of my medical knowledge but because of the love he has given us.

My entire trip was overshadowed by an encounter with a patient who I know God had destined for me to see. This elderly man sat a few steps away waiting to see me and then when he was called he got on his knees and began to crawl towards the seat. Later I realised he had sustained a cord injury two years ago resulting in leg weakness and he was forced to crawl on his hands and knees. He asked if I could help him walk and all I could offer was an explanation for what had happened but no solutions. At that moment, I too fell on my knees and knelt at the feet of Jesus asking for mercy and strength. As the tears flowed freely, I saw the image of myself shrinking and our God grow bigger. I was blessed to be able to pray for him, not for healing but that the glory of God might be displayed in his life, whether or not he crawled on all fours or walked on two. I don't know if he will walk again but I know that God loves him.

Yet this encounter was much more than seeing firsthand the omnipotence of God. For many years I have had this burden weighed so heavily upon me. This recurring dream where I am trying to run uphill but each step is like trying to run in mud. This burden I have been carrying has been the weight of the talents God has given me and I have been trying to give away all the blessings he has given me but I cannot outgive The Great Giver. Like a boat that is sinking, I am being drowned by the overflowing blessings he is giving me. With every scoop of water I throw overboard, God floods me again with more blessing. And with each blessing that is wrought by his hand, my burden grows because I know that to whom much has been given, much will be demanded and I need to be a good steward of the gifts he has given me.

But as I prayed for this man, healing was mine not his. My soul was set free as I heard Jesus say to me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." The gifts are his and the burden is his. All I have to do is to maximise the opportunities given to me. I know full well that I will never come close to repaying the debt that is owed, but God never asked for payment. He only asks that we love him and to be faithful to him.

I pray indeed that God would help me to spend more time sitting at his feet, listening to his word and give up the Martha in me.

I still don't have an answer as to where and when God will send me in the years to come. But I know that I just need to tread that path of grace and follow him step by step.

to where you are

Ever since I moved back to Singapore, my blog writing has fallen by the wayside. And seeing as how this blog is a time for me to reflect on my walk with God and the things he has done for me, I know within myself that I just haven't taken much time to reflect this year. In just 4 days, it will be my 1st year anniversary of my great migration... what better time to look back on the months past?

The most recent event was completing my postgraduate exams in February. I don't know if I deserved to pass to be honest, but I definitely prayed for it and I thank God for hearing my prayers. Now, my world has suddenly opened up again to all the things I wanted to do, especially going on mission trips again.

In less than a month, I will be leaving my current department doing infectious diseases and it really saddens me. All just because I've had a chance to really exercise the humane side of me, working with those who have been stigmatised and ostracised by society. It has been a painful journey for me even, but also there have been such heartwarming experiences during this time.

But being here in this department, being able to practice tropical medicine, work with those who are really in need and having jumped the hurdle of exams, my life has taken a totally different perspective. I am finally starting to concentrate again on taking a year out to do relief work. I have encountered so much resistance from my friends and family about going to the Congo and to be honest, it is a scary thought. But God reminds me that he wants to take me from where I am to where he wants me to be and wherever that me, Singapore or the Congo, it will be equally scary but I just have to go where he leads.

I have just started reading Nouwen's book on Spiritual Direction and these words spoke to me so beautifully, 'In spiritual listening, we encounter a God who cannot be fully understood, we discover realities that can not be controlled, and we realise that our hope is hidden not in the possession of power but in the confession of weakness.'

Amen to that. Lord, take me to where you are.

where we are

I find that the best way to reflect on the past year is to look through my blog. I look at the issues that stood out through the year and more importantly, I feel the emotions that I had when they were freshest in my mind at that point in time.

I haven’t written as many blog posts as I usually do which actually makes me feel sad because I must have missed out something important during that time but then life is too short regrets and I know that the future years will bring more than enough to write about.

At our new year’s day service, the pastor asked us to reflect, one of which was the things we regret. And immediately, what sprung to mind was ‘coming back to Singapore’. But my heart was very quick to refute it and told me, ‘No, this is exactly right where I need to be.’ As the saying goes ‘how can something so wrong feel so right?’ Mine is the exact opposite – how can something so right feel so wrong? And yet somehow, that’s enough assurance for me. There are times we doubt the decisions we make, even though we can’t go back, but for me, there has always been nothing surer than the peace in my heart.

This year, I’ve done the great migration, found my way back into missions, failed exams, passed exams and best of all, I found out who I want to be and where I want to be. People always say how quickly the year goes by but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like the days have inched by and just because God wanted me to carefully examine each day that I live.

Although there are many days in between when I have not lived well for his glory, I know that God will enable me to stand firm.

This 2012, God help me to abandon it all.

more to this life

I've usually been quite faithful in writing my blog posts but ever since I arrived in Singapore, I've just been so overwhelmed with all that is going on. People in Singapore think it's naturally the workload that gets to you, but it's not at all. Work here is a complete breeze and it's funny that even other people I've met coming from the UK have said the same thing. But people here are generally more uptight and it's driven by the lack of humanity in this society.

Each day was a constant struggle against the system. Now that I am gone, I am even more grateful for the NHS and how despite its difficulties, it is a system that cares. I am appalled by the system here and like how I am so often told by my patients - you can die but you can't get sick. What a sad truth, but truth indeed. After the first three months, I feel myself so ravaged by the coldness and callousness of the system and I am losing this battle to hold onto the true me..

But I thank God for holding on to me and bringing me to this new hospital. A place where things just seem like a different world. Many people shun this place just because of the stigma to it but each day I am pleasantly surprised and comforted by the selflessness of these physicians. How they stay true to the ethos of what being a doctor really means. To care for those who are sick, poor, isolated and even shunned by society. To fight for a better life for those they look after.

Well, what about the system? All I can say is, go fight city hall. We just have to make do and accept it. Maybe so, but being here, I realise that there is so much we have to offer as individuals. I always thought that a part of me would give up doing ophthalmology, in exchange for doing infectious diseases, which I may not enjoy as much. But I was wrong, God never takes away something without giving more in return.

After being in Singapore for 6 months, I have found that there is more to this life here after all.

"I sit and watch in silence
As people pass me by
And I strained to see if there was something
Hidden in their eyes
But they all looked back at me
As if to say
Life just goes on

The old familiar story told in different ways
Make the most of your own journey
From the cradle to the grave
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on

But there's more to this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more that this life alone can be...

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we'll find
Life's true beginning is back at the cross where he died

Where he died, to bring us more
To this life living than dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more than this life alone can be.

More to this life, Steven Curtis Chapman

one step forward, two steps back

I've technically been in Singapore for one and a half months now but I've not spent more than a total of two weeks in the country. It feels a little like I've been making up for lost time, going on as many mission trips as I can. One reason was just because my time would be limited once I started work but more importantly, I needed to get back to who I was and to reawaken the sleeping giant within me.

I've been round the Philippines as usual and it was so refreshing to be around people who had such a fire to serve the Lord. To be with the people who could understand your heart without you explaining or knew what you wanted to say before you spoke it.

But I knew that this year would bring more than just the need for me to retrace my steps. Oh no much more than that. This year was different from all the others because when I stepped out into the mission field, I was now trained as a doctor, no more a medical student. Two years ago, I felt so ready to go and now that I have been out into the field, I feel like I have taken a step back and become so unprepared. But in the last two weeks, I have experienced such a fulness of God's grace and mercy, and though at times, I am still unsure of the difference I have made, I realise that at the end of the day, we aren't the difference. He is. He is the only difference that matters in this world.

Lord, thank you for showing me how small I am in this world and how important it is to be small.

"I seek the Giver not the gift."

place in this world

As the days passed, I began to fall in love with ophthalmology all over again. I can't think why I ever let go of it and now I am contemplating the most difficult path of all - to try and do ophthalmology in Singapore but to pass my MRCP before then. I don't know if I will be successful but right now, I am just happy that after speaking to someone in the organisation I hope to work in in the future, that I don't actually have to give up ophthalmology. That came as a huge surprise to me, but a good one nonetheless.

Yesterday was my last day of work here and it was sad but also it was nice to get thank you cards and flowers from my colleagues. I have loved being here so much and I hate leaving this part of me behind. I wish Dundee were nearer so I could come visit more often.

In 3 weeks' time, I will be back in Singapore and embarking on my new journey, wherever that may lead. But trying to chase all these dreams within me is actually so difficult, the oodles of exams to sit, courses to attend, articles to write. I am just afraid to lose the me that I want to become.

Lord, help me to find my place in this world.

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful

A head that's full of dreams

But this becoming is harder than it seems

Feels like

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night

To find my place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

If there are millions

Down on their knees

Among the many

Can you still hear me

Hear me asking

Where do I belong

Is there a vision

That I can call my own

Show me

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

-Place in this World, Avalon