thrive

I look back on 2014 and I wish I had spent more time reflecting on the time past. It definitely has been a great year that has kept me so busy… 

I remember celebrating the first New Year at church and then rushing off to bed in preparation for the usual ward round on New Year's morning but the months turned into a bit of a blur after that.. 

Began my baking fetish this year from mille crepes to cakes and cupcakes, which only God could have turned into something more… Into Raindrops and Clouds, my little own name in which I have used to raise money to fund livelihood projects in Africa :) Although there were times when the stress of producing hundreds of cupcakes have made me want to give up, I know that the labour is not in vain, especially with all the people supporting my cause :) I can only pray that 2015 will bring more things for Raindrops and Clouds and more relief for those in need… 

It was amazing to be able to enjoy the beauty of South Africa but even better was to visit Uganda again with my good friends and bring help to those in need :) 

A few months later, I learnt to experience real loss. The loss of my grandmother whom God decided to call home so unexpectedly, although perhaps not to him or to her even. She walked so closely with God that she was ready to go home to him at any time. But I know that God wanted to give her the home that I could not provide for her… 

Of course, the year gets better. I took my first real holiday in the Maldives, paradise on earth. I learnt how to relax and for once, spend some real quiet time with God. But I think I can say the best experience of the year was being able to go back to Myanmar after 8 years to meet with old friends, make new friends and teach new ideas to keen young people who share the same vision of changing their communities and the world. In those few days, I saw a glimpse of the future in store for these people and of how things would be like in Africa too. Indeed I know that there will be even greater breakthroughs in 2015. 

Best of all, we started our youth group at My Father's House and now I have a group of dedicated youths who are hungry to learn his Word, share the gospel and multiply the church! 

Indeed, with such an amazing year past, how could I ask for more? But I know full well that our God is a God of abundance and I know that there is nothing he will withhold from his children if we ask him. 

I pray that 2015 will bring me closer to him, in likeness and in character. That my youths will also learn to walk the same way and that our service will go from strength to strength. I pray that the hearts of those who we teach this year in Africa and Myanmar will be open to the words we speak and that we would be able to start some community projects soon!! 

Indeed, we were made to thrive! 

waiting..

As I sit here in the quietness of the morning I begin to ponder the lesson God has planned for me this season. This past week I have had to face death much more intensely than ever before. It's going down faster than pins at a bowling alley and it frightens me.

I want to bring hope to the families I meet but all I can bring is the truth. The truth that their family member may not survive. It feels like I am taking away their light. Some believe in our God, some believe in their own, but it doesn't matter. I cannot give them the miracle they seek. I cannot give them the answer they hope to hear or the good news they wish I would speak.

I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I don't know why it may appear to them that God may have given them a second chance and then take it away. And no matter how you try, you will never find the words to comfort them because you cannot find comfort yourself.

They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I am still waiting for the dawn. The night has grown so long that it invades my thoughts and my dreams.

Waiting.

Merry Christmas. Love, Yolanda.

As the plane touches down in Tacloban there are hushed whispers that overcome the air. Every head is straining to look out the window at the destruction that we have only heard about on the news. I can tell that for many of us, it is the first time we have seen such a sight.

As we drive through the remnants of the city, the air changes. At times the smell of smoke is thick in the air, at others there is a sour pungent taste that they tell me is due to the bodies that are rotting under the wreckage that no one has the courage to yet rummage through.

The first day's morning clinic flies by as majority present with upper respiratory infections, diarrhoeal diseases or poorly controlled hypertension. We head back towards the city for a meeting but not long on our way, a van comes speeding down the highway and into our side. Thankfully there is nothing more than a few bumps and bruises to be reported but the rest of the day is wasted at the hospital waiting..

Day 2 begins a little better although it's easy to beat considering the accident yesterday. We have a restful day attending church, meeting new and old friends but things begin to take a turn. Our front room is completely wet from the rain this afternoon and my sleeping bag is soaking up the rainwater. Not only that my S3 officially breathes its last breath and I have no spare phone.

After spending a good half an hour moping around the house about my losses, I feel ashamed when I am surrounded by thousands who have lost much more than I have. That is the end of my complaining.

5am comes and it is still dark but some of my teammates have already been up since 4am preparing our breakfast and lunch. We are on the road and things seem to go smoothly as we set up clinic. However, two hours into clinic the intermittent showers turn into a downpour as the rain rips off the tarpaulin off the already roofless building. While some of us run to keep our medicines, others climb up to replace our roof as quickly as possible. Especially for the children there is a panic in their eyes as they grip onto their mothers. Clearly the terror of Yolanda is still near. As quickly as we had come, we packed up to the next community for clinic.

It has been a long but satisfying day although my day becomes marred when our driver runs over a dog. Yet another accident in the space of three days. Even crossing the road makes me jittery now..

In this short time, I have felt but an ounce of the frustration of not having what you need or used to and the fear that Yolanda has brought. But I will never know the true extent of the pain that they feel. Especially for the children, the scars run deep and many come to consult the doctor because they can't eat, can't speak or can't sleep. We decide to have a gift exchange on my last night and nearly abandon the idea because it is impossible to find any decent gift in this place. Except for torches, mobile phones from China and umbrellas, there is little to be bought. Finding Christmas is like trying to find something worthwhile out of the rubble.

I have never been a fan of the Christmas scene in Singapore where the season is exploited from October in a bid to increase sales. But here, there are no Christmas trees, lights or decorations and the streets are still lined with rubbish. But here amidst the rubble, I find the true Christmas spirit with people of all countries and colours coming to rebuild this country.

As I ready myself to leave, these words come to my mind:

Peace on earth, goodwill to men.

Merry Christmas Tacloban. 

to infinity and beyond…

I remember clearly the year Cyclone Nargis hit. It was 2008 and I was still a medical student. I vividly remember the conversation I had with one of my closest friends, I wished so much that I had graduated, that I was ready to serve others in such a time. But I was unqualified. Without a medical degree, who could I help? 

Having since graduated about 4 years ago, I know now that my medical degree is what qualifies me for the field only in the eyes of man. I have been on so many medical missions, seen so many patients, treated hundreds of cases of upper respiratory tract infections, diarrhoea, hypertension but I would rather spend the entire day getting to know one patient and learning their story. I don't want to be the 'foreigner' who sacrificed my personal time to come and help, I want to be the friend and sister you never knew you had, the one who loves you because of the one who loves me. Would you dare believe that a 'stranger' could love you so much? But I do now because I have felt it. 

In about two weeks, I will join my friends in the Philippines to help the survivors of Typhoon Yolanda. This will be my first time to a real acute disaster zone and to be honest, I am afraid. I have seen the pictures on the news and it chills my heart to see the destruction and the dead bodies strewn on the streets. I know that by the time I reach, a large amount of the clearing up will have been done but the scars remain. And they will take a long time to heal. I don't know what to expect and I know that even after 8 years of doing missions, nothing will prepare for what I will see. But I know that after this, my life will never be the same… 

However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for those who love him - those are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. 

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

if only you knew.

Avalon has been one of my favourite Christian bands because their songs always speak to me and I recently came across this beautiful song called 'Orphans of God'. And during my recent trip to Uganda, I truly experienced in my heart the true meaning of the song. The faces that I met speak of pain only our Father will ever know. 

This beautiful baby is only three days old. Her first home is a tent donated by the UNHCR and her next home will be a mud house where her mother's embrace will be the only thing that keeps out the cold. When she was born, there were no cameras to record or celebrate her birth. She has no crib or toys and her bed is an old jacket that was donated. 

This girl, doesn't look like a girl at all, with her three month old boy in her arms. But she is only 15 years old. One fateful night, rebels attacked her home and killed her mother. One of the rebels offered to make her his wife but she refused because she said she was too young to be a wife or mother. As a result, he raped her that night. Without a family to support her, she crossed the border to join other refugees, where they were picked by the UNHCR and brought to the safety of the transit centre. 

These are only but a few of the stories but there are thousands more to be told. Each one, known and loved by our Lord. 

Oh my dear brothers and sisters, if only you knew how much you are loved. 

Who here among us has not been broken?
Who here among us is without guilt or pain?
So oft' abandoned by our transgressions

If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother

If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

There are no strangers, there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah

There are no orphans of God

- Orphans of God, Avalon 

and the dry bones shall live...

"Son of man, look with your eyes and hear with your ears and pay attention to everything I am going to show you, for that is why you have been brought here." Ezekiel 40:4

Two nights ago, I lay there in my call room reading my Bible before trying to get some shut eye before the next admission. These few weeks I had been reading Ezekiel, which had always been to me one of the less interesting books to read.

But as I read the words of Ezekiel 36, of God's restoration of Israel, I felt the words come alive. I thought of the DRC and I felt God's heartbeat within me. How he loved and longed for his people to give up their ways, so that they could return and be called his people. The next night of course was Ezekiel 37 - where Ezekiel is in the valley of the dry bones. I know that when the time is right God will breathe his spirit into those dry bones and they will live too.

Right now, there is another hour before I board the flight to Entebbe, the rays of the early morning Dubai sun shines down upon me as I type these words. As my eyes strain to meet the brightness of the sun, I imagine the words of Ezekiel 40, the vision of the new temple. I hear the words of Ezekiel 40:4… I know that God has brought me here today to this purpose, to see and hear what he wants me to know. I know that one day, all this shall pass. The corruption, the sorrow, the suffering. The sun will shine all the brighter because a new day has come.

how to save a life...

I look back at my blog and find it surprised that I haven't written once since the end of last year. Then again when I look back, I see how busy and how spiritually dry I have become that it's not surprising at all. Just sad.

I did write a post after my time in Chiang Mai, when I visited a children's home. It was such a touching and humbling experience and definitely noteworthy. But after I came back I never found the time to post the entry. I am glad to say that now our church has started a child sponsorship programme so that now these children no longer go hungry but I have no part to play in this. It is God who did all this, not me.

Nonetheless, I have always looked to missions as my spiritual oasis and have never even thought to find it here in Singapore, let alone my workplace. Working in the intensive care unit has been just as intense for me as for the patients and their families, emotionally.In the ICU, each day is a battle, a battle for life.How do you let go when you see a young, healthy person die of a pneumonia? Even when you have tried everything possible to save them? How then do you try even harder when you see their young children crying outside the room because they will never see their mother or father again? You can't. It physically isn't possible. But I have to rely on the supernatural to give me strength. That at the end of the day, you can only do your best. God may heal them, or he may not. But in every life we come across, there is a lesson to be learnt.

In the ICU, my emotions have been pushed to the limits. I have felt the pain and sorrow of watching a family lose a loved one to the joy of watching a patient make a recovery and go home well. But the medical practice is more than just a mix of joy and sorrow. It is also interspersed with its moments of frustration, doubt and confusion. As doctors, we live to the rule of 'primum non nocere' but sometimes even when we have done our best for our patients and their families, there is little time left to grieve for the loss of a patient or rejoice in the satisfaction of successful treatment. There are times when we need to deal with the aftermath, pick up the pieces, deal with the complaints that come or accusations that we didn't try hard enough or gave up hope. 

So how do you save a life? We may not always know how, but we sure put up one hell of a fight.