we are tired of war..

14 hours of travel and some extortions of USD along the way finally brought us to where we were supposed to be. By this time, my spirit was already so weary. Not from the hours and hours were travelling but from the few who were just interested in procuring money from me. It felt that what I had to give just wasn't good enough, they just wanted money from me.

The Philippines was never like this. But then again I had always been protected by my companions. But Africa is a different ballgame and I need to be wise because it is impossible to help everyone. Hungry, tired and frustrated, I just think - I need a break from Africa.

We arrive at the church where we will hold our teaching and there are people singing, dancing and beating drums as they herald our arrival. As we sing together, there is a warmness that fills my heart and even spills over as a few tears. The introductions begin and the first of many welcomes starts with these resounding words 'We are tired of war. We are TIRED of war.' The smile on my face breaks as does my heart as I listen to the gut wrenching words of a people who have been victims of a war that has come and left them no better. In places where the aftermath of the war is fresh, there are an abundance of NGOs or UN signs posted everywhere. But strangely, there is a scarcity of foreign aid here.

I know that people asking for money is part of a culture that has been ingrained into so much of the developing world. An idea that money can do anything and money equals power. But then there are also those who will surprise you. Perhaps the lack of people to ask aid from has taught them to rely more on themselves. And you find that there are people who earnestly believe that you come just out of love, even if you have nothing much to offer. Those who believe that heart and education and hard work are more valuable than money. The situation is dire in South Sudan. Milk, eggs and meat are a luxury, other things are a rarity and have to be imported from Uganda. So many live below the poverty line, crying out for a chance to build their lives.

South Sudan, I know one day the world will hear your cry.

Long walk to development..

Development is a process

I admit that unlike the previous times I am not charged with excitement as I once was. I am filled with a sense of trepidation and partly some disappointment from my own failings. I forget that development is a process that takes place over years and I had high hopes for projects in Africa seeing how quickly they had understood the teaching as a duck takes to water. But without giving much guidance, I left them on their own just to follow the concepts I had taught them only to find that my concepts were just perhaps concepts. Worst of all they had put in so much effort into the proposals. I cannot help but feel some shame for misguiding them and what is more, I am at a loss for words as to what to tell them. 

My eagerness to help and compassion has not always been a strength and has sometimes been my fatal flaw that I destroy the own foundation I build for not being firm or driving the importance of self-sustainability and independence. It is my fault for not practicing what I preach. And perhaps because I think they still me as this little girl who doesn't know very much. Or is it just me who sees that? Perhaps it is my own imagination that creates these illusions and barriers. 

For the first time in 9 years, I finally pray that God would send someone to help me, as a countercheck and to stop me from beating myself up. For someone who has some sort of clue about business and writing proposals. I only pray that he would send me the words I need to speak and open hearts to listen. 

South Sudan. A chance to start afresh. Wipe the slate clean. But it's not quite so simple. You can't just erase the process of development because of some bumps in the road. I have to keep trying again and again. What do I expect? I don't know. I dare not hope because I fear I may disappoint myself again. But I do need to trust. I trust in the one who goes before me. Trust that the path has already been laid before me. Trust that whatever needs to happen will happen in his time. As long as I am willing to persevere. 

As I pen these words, the doubt begins to ebb and the words 'perfect love drives out all fear' resounds within me. Indeed whom shall I fear? 

Together, nothing is impossible. 

greater things are yet to be done here

A week has flown by in the blink of an eye and the first chapter of 2015 is over. The months of preparation have culminated in a three and a half day seminar that seemed to go by quicker than it took to prepare the materials.

As I prepared for the first day, I was so full of anxiety and trepidation. Would they be willing to accept our ideas? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Would they be willing to change?

The ideas and concepts of community development have been well absorbed across the Philippines but as expected, execution takes years. This was also my first time to be teaching this all on my own, what if I couldn't get the concepts across?

Amidst the storms of my own thoughts, God brought me back into the eye of the storm. That quiet place deep inside me where only He is, nothing else. And he said, 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind can know what God has prepared for those who love him.' True enough, the insights of those who I taught far exceeded my thoughts or expectations. These people could be some of the first to be taught about true community development and in them I saw the future of what could be, the number of people they could train and the future of their community and country. Now I know how Joshua and Caleb must have felt looking at the promise of claiming the promised land.


As I looked back on my previous trips, I already had experienced an abundance of God's amazing grace. How he enabled me to raise funds for the refugees or to see 200 patients a day was definitely not by my strength alone. But nothing could compare to the experience of teaching community development, to empower people to bring change from within.


My sleep was replaced by endless dreams of projects we could do in the near future and each day I found myself more and more energised with the hope of tomorrow. 

I believe with all my heart that greater things are still to be done in Kyenjojo. Bring on 2015!

thrive

I look back on 2014 and I wish I had spent more time reflecting on the time past. It definitely has been a great year that has kept me so busy… 

I remember celebrating the first New Year at church and then rushing off to bed in preparation for the usual ward round on New Year's morning but the months turned into a bit of a blur after that.. 

Began my baking fetish this year from mille crepes to cakes and cupcakes, which only God could have turned into something more… Into Raindrops and Clouds, my little own name in which I have used to raise money to fund livelihood projects in Africa :) Although there were times when the stress of producing hundreds of cupcakes have made me want to give up, I know that the labour is not in vain, especially with all the people supporting my cause :) I can only pray that 2015 will bring more things for Raindrops and Clouds and more relief for those in need… 

It was amazing to be able to enjoy the beauty of South Africa but even better was to visit Uganda again with my good friends and bring help to those in need :) 

A few months later, I learnt to experience real loss. The loss of my grandmother whom God decided to call home so unexpectedly, although perhaps not to him or to her even. She walked so closely with God that she was ready to go home to him at any time. But I know that God wanted to give her the home that I could not provide for her… 

Of course, the year gets better. I took my first real holiday in the Maldives, paradise on earth. I learnt how to relax and for once, spend some real quiet time with God. But I think I can say the best experience of the year was being able to go back to Myanmar after 8 years to meet with old friends, make new friends and teach new ideas to keen young people who share the same vision of changing their communities and the world. In those few days, I saw a glimpse of the future in store for these people and of how things would be like in Africa too. Indeed I know that there will be even greater breakthroughs in 2015. 

Best of all, we started our youth group at My Father's House and now I have a group of dedicated youths who are hungry to learn his Word, share the gospel and multiply the church! 

Indeed, with such an amazing year past, how could I ask for more? But I know full well that our God is a God of abundance and I know that there is nothing he will withhold from his children if we ask him. 

I pray that 2015 will bring me closer to him, in likeness and in character. That my youths will also learn to walk the same way and that our service will go from strength to strength. I pray that the hearts of those who we teach this year in Africa and Myanmar will be open to the words we speak and that we would be able to start some community projects soon!! 

Indeed, we were made to thrive! 

waiting..

As I sit here in the quietness of the morning I begin to ponder the lesson God has planned for me this season. This past week I have had to face death much more intensely than ever before. It's going down faster than pins at a bowling alley and it frightens me.

I want to bring hope to the families I meet but all I can bring is the truth. The truth that their family member may not survive. It feels like I am taking away their light. Some believe in our God, some believe in their own, but it doesn't matter. I cannot give them the miracle they seek. I cannot give them the answer they hope to hear or the good news they wish I would speak.

I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I don't know why it may appear to them that God may have given them a second chance and then take it away. And no matter how you try, you will never find the words to comfort them because you cannot find comfort yourself.

They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I am still waiting for the dawn. The night has grown so long that it invades my thoughts and my dreams.

Waiting.

Merry Christmas. Love, Yolanda.

As the plane touches down in Tacloban there are hushed whispers that overcome the air. Every head is straining to look out the window at the destruction that we have only heard about on the news. I can tell that for many of us, it is the first time we have seen such a sight.

As we drive through the remnants of the city, the air changes. At times the smell of smoke is thick in the air, at others there is a sour pungent taste that they tell me is due to the bodies that are rotting under the wreckage that no one has the courage to yet rummage through.

The first day's morning clinic flies by as majority present with upper respiratory infections, diarrhoeal diseases or poorly controlled hypertension. We head back towards the city for a meeting but not long on our way, a van comes speeding down the highway and into our side. Thankfully there is nothing more than a few bumps and bruises to be reported but the rest of the day is wasted at the hospital waiting..

Day 2 begins a little better although it's easy to beat considering the accident yesterday. We have a restful day attending church, meeting new and old friends but things begin to take a turn. Our front room is completely wet from the rain this afternoon and my sleeping bag is soaking up the rainwater. Not only that my S3 officially breathes its last breath and I have no spare phone.

After spending a good half an hour moping around the house about my losses, I feel ashamed when I am surrounded by thousands who have lost much more than I have. That is the end of my complaining.

5am comes and it is still dark but some of my teammates have already been up since 4am preparing our breakfast and lunch. We are on the road and things seem to go smoothly as we set up clinic. However, two hours into clinic the intermittent showers turn into a downpour as the rain rips off the tarpaulin off the already roofless building. While some of us run to keep our medicines, others climb up to replace our roof as quickly as possible. Especially for the children there is a panic in their eyes as they grip onto their mothers. Clearly the terror of Yolanda is still near. As quickly as we had come, we packed up to the next community for clinic.

It has been a long but satisfying day although my day becomes marred when our driver runs over a dog. Yet another accident in the space of three days. Even crossing the road makes me jittery now..

In this short time, I have felt but an ounce of the frustration of not having what you need or used to and the fear that Yolanda has brought. But I will never know the true extent of the pain that they feel. Especially for the children, the scars run deep and many come to consult the doctor because they can't eat, can't speak or can't sleep. We decide to have a gift exchange on my last night and nearly abandon the idea because it is impossible to find any decent gift in this place. Except for torches, mobile phones from China and umbrellas, there is little to be bought. Finding Christmas is like trying to find something worthwhile out of the rubble.

I have never been a fan of the Christmas scene in Singapore where the season is exploited from October in a bid to increase sales. But here, there are no Christmas trees, lights or decorations and the streets are still lined with rubbish. But here amidst the rubble, I find the true Christmas spirit with people of all countries and colours coming to rebuild this country.

As I ready myself to leave, these words come to my mind:

Peace on earth, goodwill to men.

Merry Christmas Tacloban. 

to infinity and beyond…

I remember clearly the year Cyclone Nargis hit. It was 2008 and I was still a medical student. I vividly remember the conversation I had with one of my closest friends, I wished so much that I had graduated, that I was ready to serve others in such a time. But I was unqualified. Without a medical degree, who could I help? 

Having since graduated about 4 years ago, I know now that my medical degree is what qualifies me for the field only in the eyes of man. I have been on so many medical missions, seen so many patients, treated hundreds of cases of upper respiratory tract infections, diarrhoea, hypertension but I would rather spend the entire day getting to know one patient and learning their story. I don't want to be the 'foreigner' who sacrificed my personal time to come and help, I want to be the friend and sister you never knew you had, the one who loves you because of the one who loves me. Would you dare believe that a 'stranger' could love you so much? But I do now because I have felt it. 

In about two weeks, I will join my friends in the Philippines to help the survivors of Typhoon Yolanda. This will be my first time to a real acute disaster zone and to be honest, I am afraid. I have seen the pictures on the news and it chills my heart to see the destruction and the dead bodies strewn on the streets. I know that by the time I reach, a large amount of the clearing up will have been done but the scars remain. And they will take a long time to heal. I don't know what to expect and I know that even after 8 years of doing missions, nothing will prepare for what I will see. But I know that after this, my life will never be the same… 

However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for those who love him - those are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. 

1 Corinthians 2:9-10