a dream to end all dreams

I’ve been in London for two weeks now and the place is just as great as I remembered it… And my time in hospital is even better than I could ever have imagined. I can only think how much I will miss being there although I have a good two weeks remaining. It’s great being able to linger around Selfridges or Harrod’s and the ice cream is as heavenly as I remember (perhaps even better than the one at the Trevi Fountain) and my free time at nights are spent plotting when might be the least busy time of day to finally sit down at the ice cream parlour to enjoy my ice cream.

While the ice cream dream has been always high on my to-do list, there is a greater dream – one greater than the dreams conceived by my mind alone. As I walk to the hospital each day, the air does not lie still and fresh as it does in Dundee; rather, the crisp morning air is shattered by the busy traffic, fumes and sirens. I have no doubt that I would come back to London at any time if I could, but then God’s dream is beginning to take over. I would rather be in the Philippines serving him or fellowshipping with those who love him too, or even just be curled up in a quiet corner with my Bible. And it really wouldn’t matter where in the world you put me. Going around on the weekends to different cities doesn’t tickle my fancy as much as it did and though it would have been nice to have a bit of company, all these tours just go round in a circle. I start out at one point and at the end of the day, I’m back to square one. With God’s dream, you never end up where you started.

But this bustling city life reminds me of how much we try to help God fix our own problems instead of relinquishing them to him. Even when it comes to the end of the world, we seem to be trying to bring that on by ourselves as well.

Thinking of dreams reminds me of Joseph, the one they always call ‘The Dreamer’. It’s not wrong to dream of course, but Joseph’s dreams were given by God so that they became a reality. I hope that some day, my own dreaming will come to an end and the dreams I have will be God’s dreams.

no risk is worth taking..

The days seem to inch by and as always, I'm counting the days until I'm back again in the Philippines. But there is much more to life than anticipation, much more. In fact, anticipation can be so dangerous because instead of living in the moment, we live for the next moment that is coming and miss the beauty of where we are standing. And I wonder to myself, what is it that really holds my thoughts?

I strain to laugh as I try to think back to the day I declared to God I would never go back to the Philippines because I couldn't hack it... Maybe that's why the advice 'Never say never.' In any case, my day is largely filled with the excitement of calls, texts and emails from those I love there. But as I was walking down the street the other day, listening to this old favourite song of mine called 'Hanging by a moment' by Lifehouse. While they aren't a Christian band, I couldn't help thinking how much it describes my life now, life with Jesus. Every day is a wild adventure, a new love story. Yet the word 'adventure' always brings to mind great risk... the more risk you take, the greater the adventure. While the adventure remains, there are no risks in this story, no more uncertainties. Only security. Human nature has a tendency to want to be in control of everything, to be certain of everything down to the last second, yet we place ourselves at so much risk when we do. Giving up that control to the Father eliminates every risk. Ironic I suppose.

But well, that's life.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else...

-Hanging by a moment, Lifehouse

Heart overload

There are three more long months before the year ends and I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out because the year has already been so amazing. There is a tendency within me to think that the best things happen when I’m away in the Philippines, or whatever country God sends me to, although I really haven’t been anywhere else in the past two years. But I know that no matter what time or place, God always works in the fullness of his grace. In 2006, I wrote that it had been the best year of my life thus far. But I know God is truly great indeed, and I made a claim of faith that the next year would be even better. And I would hold to that always, so that I would never allow myself, as far as possible, to take the blessings in my life for granted. Yet I haven’t even reached the end of two years since I said that and the amount of grace that God has poured into my life is so overwhelming that I am literally afraid of asking for a better year. I guess this has brought new meaning to my definition of the ‘fear of the Lord’.

I’ve gone into heart overload, and find tears coming to my eyes so easily just thinking about the blessings in my life… And I’m not talking about showers of blessings; it seems more like monsoon season every day. Yes indeed, my heart is reaching breaking point because it can’t hold any more. I keep trying to give it away, but then God fills me up faster than I can empty. Today in church, our pastor mentioned some commercial slogans he’d heard about how we’re worth it or we deserve a new sofa, a large screen TV or something of the sort, and while I’ve never paid much attention to it, it does show how worldly and sinful we’ve become, even without knowing it. There is nothing in this world that we possess that was not given by grace. I have nothing I can claim I deserve, except payment of my sin.

A year ago, my sister told me she wouldn’t mind going on a mission trip after she read my blog. While it was nice to hear, I didn’t give much thought to the practicality of it happening. If ever I asked God for one thing, it was that my family would understand my call to do missions. Not desire, calling. I don’t know how, but perhaps it would start by me being able to go away during Christmas this year, in other words, family time. Never in a million years would I have expected that he would take my family with me. It isn’t the cheapest time to go away of course, but there’s something so specific in God’s design that I can feel that he has something up his sleeves. A plan he is still weaving, not just for me, but for all as well, even though I honestly have no clue what it is. God seems to be the best at keeping secrets…

I guess that’s why I’m always singing all the time. I’ve become the ‘Little Imperial Toilet Singer’ after the nightingale from the fairytale ‘The Emperor and the Nightingale’, so named by my little sister. But as the nightingale can never recant her song for it is in her nature, I pray that as Christians, we too, can never recant our nature.

past the point of no return

So I’m back here again in Dundee, ready to finish final year… It feels like my life is not being fast-tracked anymore but I’m not referring to the 4 or 5 hours of sleep I was living on while in the Philippines… I mean spiritually. It’s as though the air has become so still, I can hardly feel the moving of the Spirit.

Looking back on these five years, the first piece of advice any doctor or medical student gives to a newbie is to fight as hard as you can to keep a life separate from medicine, even though medicine is a vocation. It’s just so you can keep your sanity. And yet I find that when I’m in Singapore or the UK, I see so many Christians who fight to keep their spiritual life separate from their real life. Calling the Philippines my home I suppose was a very dangerous and bold step, but while people say that blood is thicker than water, the Holy Spirit is thicker than blood. It’s easy to keep the fire burning when the people around you have spiritual firepower coursing through their veins, but how do you keep up the pace in the midst of a spiritual standstill? I’m not sure but it is a challenge I cannot escape or refuse. Many around me still advise that short-term missions are the way to go, but I’m past the point of no return now… At the start of 2007, I embarked on the journey to discover the true heart of a missionary. And as I continue this search to understand more and more, I’m being drawn deeper and deeper into a world I cannot escape. Nor do I have any wish to.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11

i wanna go home

Dedicated to all those who made their homes in my heart

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedureFor there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him."

Ecclesiastes 8:5,6

In the past two years, I’ve spent more time in the Philippines than I have in Singapore. Why? I know there’s always a specific reason for why God brings me to wherever he does. Yet up until recently, I never found the reason for why I was there although I felt in every fibre of my being that God directed me here for a purpose. If so, what was it? When people ask me why I was there again, I told them I was there for my elective. It’s the truth.

But as it says in Proverbs 16:9 ‘In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.’ A month went by and I still wasn’t sure I had found it. I admit I was beginning to get disappointed. Was I there by my own choice or by God’s? But one Sunday, I sat there thinking about how I was leaving soon and the strangest thought popped in my head. I thought to myself ‘How nice it would be when the day comes that I don’t have to count down to the time I’m leaving.’ And I was really shocked at this idea because that would mean me staying here indefinitely. While I’m not sure about that, I finally found the reason after all. I wasn’t coming to Palawan for my elective, I was coming home.

I suppose it would seem as though I’m turning my back on my own family in Singapore, but God reminds me so clearly of Jesus’ words in Luke 9:62 to the man who wanted to say goodbye to his family: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” This is my first charge as God’s steward: to abandon all that I’ve known. No regrets. God never takes away something without giving something better in return. Some people tell me that I’ve been brave in leaving my comfort zone to come here. If so, then call me a coward because I’ve never felt more in my comfort zone than being in the Philippines. I can’t explain why God chose the Philippines but there are many things about God’s grace I cannot explain. But when the blessing is so great, I can’t complain.

A week before I was leaving, the only song that played in my mind was the song ‘Home’ by Michael Buble. All I think of is, I wanna go home. I used to think how far away Puerto was just to get there, but home never seems too far away isn't it? I know many more tears must fall before I can finally go back… but these tears are only a reminder of how precious this family has become to me. I know that at the end of the day, when God opens the way, it will all be worth the wait.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home

I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

another beginning

14 July 2008

Once again, the madness begins. My flights have been cancelled or I'm not on them. 30 minutes before departure I find out I do have one and have to make a mad run for it. As I run toward the plane, I hear God whisper to me, 'My child, this is only the beginning.' I have to say I didn't quite know what he meant. I couldn't even begin to describe all that happened after I landed. I have always enjoyed travelling on my own for God has been my best companion; when we're alone, he knows and sees all my vulnerabilities and I can be so transparent Yet finally I begin to think it would be nice to have company. Good or bad I don't know. But being away from the field for a year has left me soft. I've been sleeping for too long in this land of luxury. God is pushing me again, this time to see how far love will take me. Steven Curtis Chapman's song plays in my mind, especially the lyrics, 'If I wanna say I love you, I gotta be faithful too; the true test of my love will be, did I follow you consistently? Through the good and the bad, I wanna be faithful too.' I ask myself if I've done enough to deserve to say 'I love you'. Perhaps 'deserve' isn't the right word, our sinful nature means there is nothing good we deserve. But has my heart been right that God would give me this privilege? I have no answer. I do not need to work to earn his love, it was given freely. But it seems God is still working so hard to earn our love, for we are so easily divided and distracted.

12 August 2008
"And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16


May God recall to life this reckless abandon I once knew. Overcome with sickness, I sit here and moan the minutes away as I feel the life drain out of me. But this Scripture from Esther is not me giving up on life. Indeed not, I'd be selfish to do that. But in January 2007, I testified that I would climb mountains for God if he sent me, to go wherever he laid before me. And as much as all his promises are 'Yes', so he will enable us to honour the promises we made him too.


"If I can sing, let my songs be full of his glory.
If I can speak, let all my words be full of his grace,
If I should live or die, let me be found pursuing this prize;
The one that alone satisfies, the treasure of Jesus."

Coming

Well well well... final year. It seems more like a miracle that I survived 4th year but here I am. I can't remember when I was ever this nervous but all through my exams I could hear the voice of Jesus echo the words of Matthew 28:20, "... and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What sweet words indeed. I must have song the words 'I need thee every hour' a thousand times... My only gripe is that I'm probably not allowed to sing aloud in exams... :)

I once said that everytime I prepare to go on a trip, things tend to go awry. Maybe some would think it sounds like a curse on myself, but it's just God's reminder that his grace is with me as I begin. I admit that sometimes I wish I could do without a reminder, but God knows better. I obviously can't. Once again, my flights went awry and I'd no time to reschedule them. Of course that's not all, I couldn't contact my friends in the Philippines because my phone died on me. What can I say except that God is faithful, so faithful.

It seems that my blogging will come to an end soon. Not because I'm tired of writing posts, I love writing about God's grace, but it seems I'm running out of words to describe the awesome greatness of our Lord and King. As I grow closer to him and learn more of him, I find myself more speechless. Maybe this is what you call stunned silence.

Yes, let me be wretched, let me be poor, blind, deaf and dumb, but not without grace.

"Just as I am, without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

-Just as I am without one plea, Charlotte Elliot