Over 2 months ago, I closed my blog... 'Why?' so many ask me... The answer is in the last post, revealed only to those who can read between the lines, or perhaps to those God chooses to reveal it to. It seems the bigger question at hand is why open it again. I am not sure really. Maybe I need it more than I realised.
Being a missionary is difficult, but being a missionary amongst non-missionaries is more difficult and it is a daily challenge for me. For a long time now, I have been impatient to enter into full-time ministry because I can feel the calling and I get frustrated because it will be a long time before I know it can happen. I ask God why if he did not let me go now, why call me so early, and how I wish I knew someone who knew what I was going through. Then I laughed to myself, thinking of my foolishness... Jesus waited thirty years before he began his ministry though he knew from the day he was born that the life of a missionary was his. Yet when he began, there were no obstacles and no doubts at all. I might be past the age of 30 before I get to go, but I know that when the day comes, the obstacles and doubts will all disappear.
Hebrews 11:13 - 16 still ring in my head from the post I wrote in December, I know that I have no home on this earth... I have been here in Scotland for 5 years now, with some of the friendliest people I know. There are people whom I have met who are so genuine and endowed with such generosity. Yet I withdraw from those around me... perhaps it is fear. While part of me admits it is fear, I find that I have little conversation to fill the awkward silences. I don't know how to talk about the weather anymore, something I had mastered extremely well coming here. So what then? Isolation is not the answer. How do I find the push that I need? I find myself often looking forward and thinking it'll happen, give it another year. But yet, I sit where I am and like Jane Austen's Mr Darcy claim that I have not the talent of conversing with others.
I feel much like Seven of Nine, having been severed from the collective. Those whose every thought she once shared are far from her and integration into human society is extremely difficult. Small talk and idle chatter lie out of her comprehension and perfection is her only aim. Yes, perfection indeed. I too, aim to be perfect, perfect in Christ Jesus.
