And so my two weeks in Singapore have come and gone. My pockets were loaded and emptied although can't say the same for my tummy after all the meals.. In any case, what I dislike most about going home is the long flight back, especially without business class and chauffeurs to ease the journey. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to see the value of the time spent in quiet solitude. Alot of the time in Dundee is spent scurrying about, and even more so in Singapore. My mind is always playing catch up. But on the plane, there's always more than enough time to reminisce on the days gone by.
I've loved being in Dundee so much and I still do. But I suppose having started my education, there's really no choice in saying that you want to go back home. But starting work didn't change my love for Dundee at all. In fact, I love it even more and could see myself working here for years to come. That is, until my trip home recently. Things HAVE changed and more than I would like to admit. Now, this life is finally mine to live (mine, in a sense.. I'm still trying to unearth the path God has laid out for me). But where I work, what I specialise in, they're all there for me to choose. And they weren't before. The past 5 years have been building up to this moment and I have long been itching into the postgraduate world. But now that I'm here, I'm not sure where to go. I thought to lay out the pros and cons of working here and in Singapore, but God isn't limited by our lists. What then? I'm not sure. Perhaps I should stay for the sake of my career. Well, what is it? I want to do a degree in public health, infectious diseases, finish off some medical training, become an ophthalmologist, work in China, CBM and the WHO. This might be all too ambitious for someone who's just 6 months into work. Advice. That's what I need. But no one I know has walked this path of madness before. Plus that's what I'll be giving up if I go back to Singapore. I'm sure of it. Or am I?
I've always been known to be very focussed in my work. But not quite ambitious. So what's changed? Well, 2 years ago, someone asked me, 'If you were asked to be the President of Singapore, would you take it?' Without further consideration, I flatly said 'No.' I didn't want a life of politics or the burden and power of running a country and it was never something I strived towards. I just wanted to be a full-time missionary doctor. Wasn't that enough? But the response to my answer was just silence and a hint of disappointment. I didn't understand why then. But as I began to ask myself that question, things begin to change. I still don't want to be the President of Singapore, but I realise that we need to maximise the talents God has given us and we need to aim and reach higher for him, so that he can use us to do greater things. I don't know if I have the talents to do all that I dream of doing, but God has always given me the strength and grace I needed. With much blessing comes much responsibility, and I daresay that he has blessed me much more than I'd choose to be responsible for. But this is it. This is where I am. Knocking on heaven's door for instructions to how to best use all he has given me.
Breathing by Lifehouse
I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off of me
One more time
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be.
