"I sought the Lord, he answered me; and delivered me from my fears." Psalm 34:4
The past few night shifts have been so hectic indeed. As I trudge back from my parking space home each day, my eyes are still peeled for the firt sign of the spring daffodils.. The warm smile of a golden daffodil so easily melts away the worst day.. But there aren't any this year.. The winter frost has chilled the flowers as the tiring night shifts have chilled me. I lost my strength after the second night but God knows that this little flower is dry and frozen and he has watered me with his strength, wisdom and grace. Not only that, he's also given me good seniors I can rely on. Definitely not an everyday occurrence. My spirit has felt so dry and my confidence somewhat shaken. Just as plants need fertiliser, it's always nice as a junior doctor for someone to say that you're doing a good job. I admit that it's the humanity within me that seeks a little affirmation, but a little pat on the back does wonders for morale and motivation.
In any case, I'm two weeks away from starting my last job for this year. I've been counting down the days towards leaving orthopaedics and now that I will be soon, there is a bit of trepidation and I know that even if it's not where I want to be, I will miss it. But where am I now really? I'm not quite sure. I don't think much has changed since my last post. I'm just trying to stay afloat in the strong currents that come sweeping along. I still spend my free time dreaming of the possibilities that could be. I'm still trying to find the memo that God might have left on my desk telling what my appointments were for the next few years.
It feels like God is playing hide and seek with me. But it's not in his nature. On my nights, I asked him for strength and he gave it to me. I prayed for a good senior and he gave it to me. I asked for a parking space on my street in the morning so I wouldn't have to walk miles and he gave it to me. No matter how small and insignificant is, if it matters to me, I know it matters to him. What's missing then? I guess I've still got some spiritual blindness and maybe I just haven't found the cause of blindness so I can't treat the disease. Perhaps when I finally wake up from this long sleep and just open my eyes, I'll find he's been right in front of me all along.
