wonders of the world

It's now been 9 days since I've planted myself onto the couch and the road to recovery seems to be stretching out longer and longer with each passing day. On the bright side, I have lots of free time to study, although that hasn't quite happened yet.

My friends and family have always known to be stubborn and fiercely independent and I had every intention of managing on my own after the operation. I was told that it would probably take about 10 days before I could walk but I was confident that with a little of faith, I could manage on my own. But of course, my parents weren't having any of that, especially my mother.

Every one has heard of the 7 wonders of the world. The title 'Wonder of the World' has become so prestigious that every country wants to have a 'man-made' or 'natural' wonder of the world in their country. But to me, the greatest wonder in the world is the love of God. A love that's so totally unselfish and amazing. His love keeps me spellbound and his gifts are so generous. But there is a second wonder of the world - mothers. Mothers are peculiar things. They do things that people wouldn't ordinarily do for another person or even another relative. My mum insisted coming up to look after me after my surgery and has been cooking and cleaning for me the last 2 weeks. I suppose no man is an island after all and I'm not sure how I would have survived without her.

All in all, I'm grateful for everything God has given me, especially my mummy.

destined

Things have been moving so quickly in the past few weeks or even days, but then it feels like my life is just beginning again. Dundee has been the only life I've known for the last 7 years that I've been so loathe to give it up. The other day I looked at my prayer requests for this year and one of them was for God to give me direction in the specialty I should do and where to do it. And at the end of the day, what I do or where I do it doesn't really matter as long as I go where God is or sends me.

Being here in Dundee gave me the opportunities to pursue this missionary life, one I would never have known if I had studied in Singapore. But now it's part in my life is over and I have to go back. I am so thankful that God helped me to pass my MRCP the first time but I knew that things would be set in motion the moment I did. My heart seems so full of fear and trepidation, the thought of packing up, moving home, rebuilding a life, starting from scratch in a new hospital. It's not the life I would have chosen but there are bigger reasons. My heart has also never been so excited. This will be my first time as proper missionary doctor and 2011 will be the biggest year for me. Two months in the Philippines, China, Mongolia and whatever God has in store for me. I am sad that I'm giving up my ophthalmology dream but it's no comparison.

Finally, it feels like I'm beginning to fulfil the destiny that God has mapped out for me.

"I have questions

You have answers

I have wounds

You heal with love

I am weak and you are mighty

Hungry and you fill me up

This was meant to be

When you created me.

I was destined to love you

I was bound to adore you

Purposed to need you

Certain to want you

Designed to pursue you with praise

I was destined to love you

You define me with your greatness

I am shaked by mercy's hand

It's your word that gives me meaning

Yours forever, great I am

How can joy be known

It's in you alone"

- Destined, Avalon

joy in the journey

After working an average of 11 hours over the past 14 days, I finally have some time to sit and think. My life is still the same, working in the hospital day in, day out, going for nice meals with my friends or chilling in front of the tv with some ice cream and tea. This is the life that I have enjoyed for the past 6 years and I have always loved it. I suppose my personality always wants to resist change, although I suppose that is human nature.

But things have taken a turn recently. A big one. I thought making the decision to change colleges was the biggest one I had and I suppose it had been until now. Sometimes God puts before us paths that we don't want to walk just because we don't like the look of it or we don't know where we're going. I've been taking detours, but as they say, 'All roads lead to Rome,' and every path takes me back onto this road that I've been so loathed to tread.

Just like a bolt out of the blue, God struck a chord in my heart that it was time to go home. Not for all the reasons my family has been giving me, but much more than that. I find that since I started work, I'm beginning to lose the person that I am and want to become. The spiritual covering that I receive from my friends and family while I'm home, or the fellowship that I have with others while on missions. It's all becoming a distant memory. I miss the conversations about the things we want to accomplish together for God and no dream is impossible.

What now? I've forgotten the joy in the journey. How do I find it again? Since making the decision to finally go back to Singapore, my mind and my heart have been at peace with myself, and more importantly, with God. No matter how difficult the life may be at home, I feel that I can handle anything with God with me.

for you alone

I've survived my first week of on-call shifts, just barely, and solely due to the grace of God. Things have been so busy at work recently that I've just realised that I've not written a blog post in over a month. I spent last night browsing through some of my last few posts and I guess the same subject is still on my mind. Where do I go?

My heart has always been in the mission field and so it really doesn't matter whether I'm here or in Singapore. If so, why am I so bent on staying here? Now that God is showing me that medicine is the path that I need to choose and ophthalmology will have to remain a dream, things seem a bit clearer. I find myself standing in front of the path that I must take but yet not really keen to tread.

I'd always planned that in about 3 years time, I'd take some time out to spend doing missions but somehow I'm sure that if I went back to Singapore, that reality would just dissolve into thin air. Would it? I don't know. I think it would.

Anyway, I just picked up my old mp3 player and put on an old song called 'For you alone' and thoughts of who I am and want to be all came flooding back, especially hearing the first line - 'Lord, give me a dream...' Yes Lord, give me a dream. Your dream.

jericho

After 3 weeks of gallivanting around the UK, I feel it's time to write a more serious blog post. Mostly because I need to rather than want to.

Have you ever felt like your world is collapsing? Like the walls are crumbling around you? I don't get that feeling very often. But I did yesterday. Ever since I graduated, my family have been keen for me to return to Singapore but I've always resisted it. Not because I didn't want to go home, but because I always felt that being in the UK would give me the best platform towards becoming a full-time missionary.

I've built a life for myself here, one that I love. Last week I was ready to buy a house here and following on from that, get a new car. But since I started work, my feet have been giving me awful bother and I now have to take time off from work to get them operated on. I thought that things would be alright and I wouldn't need to take too much time off from work to recover but things haven't gone the way I planned, as most things don't for everyone.

The bottom line was that if I didn't manage to come back quickly enough to work, it would be curtains for my career here in the UK. At that moment, I felt like my world was caving in. I stood outside the office frantically trying to wipe the tears away. What was wrong with going home? I don't know, nothing really. I just don't feel it's right. But all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. What is God's purpose? I don't know. I wish I did.

It just seems a bit too much thinking about moving back home in the next 12 months or less than that even. On the other hand, whether Singapore or UK, it's only a matter of time before we find our true home. If that's the case, does it matter?

I don't know. I really don't know. Lord tune my heart to hear your voice.

slow or quick

Too often I find that I allow my emotions to get the better of me. My personality is ruled by my heart rather than my head which is why I think I get so attached to my patients. There is always someone more senior around who has your back but then it doesn't change the fact that I still get very protective of each person I look after. I suppose it's both good and bad.. The bad thing is that I have 'letting go' issues. Most people don't see patients the same way I do and obviously things can get difficult when they don't.

I allowed myself to get so angry when someone didn't care the way I did and was I right or wrong? I'm still not sure. Does it matter less when you fix the problem in time? Or is a mistake still a mistake regardless of the outcome?

The only message God has given me to take away from this are the words in James 1:19,20:

'Dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.'

Perhaps I did what was right to protect the patient, but maybe not in the way that God would have wanted me to. Bottom line is, did it feel like I was living the righteous life God wanted? That day, I didn't. But if I remember this day, perhaps it'll keep me from making the same mistake tomorrow.

what if

My thoughts are fading with each passing day and it's time for them to 'pen' them down into this entry before they are completely washed away. I meant to write this entry last Friday but never got a chance because of the numerous hours I spent at work the past week. But better late than never. This entry is important because it marks an important milestone for me, an answered prayer.

For many months, I've been praying for some direction in my life. Even though I probably wouldn't need to make any decisions for another year or so, the uncertainty has been difficult for me to handle. Last Friday, I accompanied a couple of my friends to the Singapore recruitment. Though I had never really considered going back, I knew that this would be the deciding factor. In fact, I was 90% sure that after attending this, the propaganda would get to me and I'd hop on the next flight home. I was even excited about going to this little meeting though I couldn't explain why. I thought within myself that it was time to say goodbye to Dundee and to this life I had known for the past 5 years. But I was wrong. The little meeting we had reminded me of who God wanted and still wants me to become. To reach beyond who I am in order to become who He wants me to be. The bottom line is, I can never become the person and doctor He wants me to be if I go home; and that is a dream that I will never ever give up.

As I sat on the train home that day, I allowed myself to dream again, to dream of all the possibilities and the 'what if's. Funnily enough, the next day, I heard this beautiful song called 'What if' sung by Kate Winslet, though only perhaps a portion of the lyrics are relevant..

"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head
I keep on looking back
Right back to the start..."

There were so many times I asked myself 'what if' this and 'what if' that, but now that I have this peace in my heart, I no longer look back to the start. My future is right ahead of me and boldly I will tread, with the confidence of Christ within me.

hide and seek

"I sought the Lord, he answered me; and delivered me from my fears." Psalm 34:4

The past few night shifts have been so hectic indeed. As I trudge back from my parking space home each day, my eyes are still peeled for the firt sign of the spring daffodils.. The warm smile of a golden daffodil so easily melts away the worst day.. But there aren't any this year.. The winter frost has chilled the flowers as the tiring night shifts have chilled me. I lost my strength after the second night but God knows that this little flower is dry and frozen and he has watered me with his strength, wisdom and grace. Not only that, he's also given me good seniors I can rely on. Definitely not an everyday occurrence. My spirit has felt so dry and my confidence somewhat shaken. Just as plants need fertiliser, it's always nice as a junior doctor for someone to say that you're doing a good job. I admit that it's the humanity within me that seeks a little affirmation, but a little pat on the back does wonders for morale and motivation.

In any case, I'm two weeks away from starting my last job for this year. I've been counting down the days towards leaving orthopaedics and now that I will be soon, there is a bit of trepidation and I know that even if it's not where I want to be, I will miss it. But where am I now really? I'm not quite sure. I don't think much has changed since my last post. I'm just trying to stay afloat in the strong currents that come sweeping along. I still spend my free time dreaming of the possibilities that could be. I'm still trying to find the memo that God might have left on my desk telling what my appointments were for the next few years.

It feels like God is playing hide and seek with me. But it's not in his nature. On my nights, I asked him for strength and he gave it to me. I prayed for a good senior and he gave it to me. I asked for a parking space on my street in the morning so I wouldn't have to walk miles and he gave it to me. No matter how small and insignificant is, if it matters to me, I know it matters to him. What's missing then? I guess I've still got some spiritual blindness and maybe I just haven't found the cause of blindness so I can't treat the disease. Perhaps when I finally wake up from this long sleep and just open my eyes, I'll find he's been right in front of me all along.

breathing

And so my two weeks in Singapore have come and gone. My pockets were loaded and emptied although can't say the same for my tummy after all the meals.. In any case, what I dislike most about going home is the long flight back, especially without business class and chauffeurs to ease the journey. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to see the value of the time spent in quiet solitude. Alot of the time in Dundee is spent scurrying about, and even more so in Singapore. My mind is always playing catch up. But on the plane, there's always more than enough time to reminisce on the days gone by.

I've loved being in Dundee so much and I still do. But I suppose having started my education, there's really no choice in saying that you want to go back home. But starting work didn't change my love for Dundee at all. In fact, I love it even more and could see myself working here for years to come. That is, until my trip home recently. Things HAVE changed and more than I would like to admit. Now, this life is finally mine to live (mine, in a sense.. I'm still trying to unearth the path God has laid out for me). But where I work, what I specialise in, they're all there for me to choose. And they weren't before. The past 5 years have been building up to this moment and I have long been itching into the postgraduate world. But now that I'm here, I'm not sure where to go. I thought to lay out the pros and cons of working here and in Singapore, but God isn't limited by our lists. What then? I'm not sure. Perhaps I should stay for the sake of my career. Well, what is it? I want to do a degree in public health, infectious diseases, finish off some medical training, become an ophthalmologist, work in China, CBM and the WHO. This might be all too ambitious for someone who's just 6 months into work. Advice. That's what I need. But no one I know has walked this path of madness before. Plus that's what I'll be giving up if I go back to Singapore. I'm sure of it. Or am I?

I've always been known to be very focussed in my work. But not quite ambitious. So what's changed? Well, 2 years ago, someone asked me, 'If you were asked to be the President of Singapore, would you take it?' Without further consideration, I flatly said 'No.' I didn't want a life of politics or the burden and power of running a country and it was never something I strived towards. I just wanted to be a full-time missionary doctor. Wasn't that enough? But the response to my answer was just silence and a hint of disappointment. I didn't understand why then. But as I began to ask myself that question, things begin to change. I still don't want to be the President of Singapore, but I realise that we need to maximise the talents God has given us and we need to aim and reach higher for him, so that he can use us to do greater things. I don't know if I have the talents to do all that I dream of doing, but God has always given me the strength and grace I needed. With much blessing comes much responsibility, and I daresay that he has blessed me much more than I'd choose to be responsible for. But this is it. This is where I am. Knocking on heaven's door for instructions to how to best use all he has given me.

Breathing by Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be.

he made the iron float..

I've been so busy recently that I've completely forgotten about my blog. In fact, I've not even had time to reflect on 2009 or my goals for 2010. Now that my body clock has been turned upside down from being on night shifts, I find myself with nothing to do at 5am on a Sunday morning. In the space of these 2 months, I find that I should have accumulated a great amount of thoughts which I could put into my blog, but my mind is as quiet as the world outside.

Having been run off my feet recently, I've allowed myself to slip away from God, spending so little time in prayer and meditation. But the looser my hold, the tighter his becomes. I may have slackened, but God knows my weakness and he's stayed close by my side. This past week of night shifts has been a great experience but also a time of testing and I have never been more grateful for the wisdom and the strength he has given me. If he could make the iron float on water, he can do anything.

Well, what of 2010 then? I'm still looking forward to the days ahead, although still praying for direction. I love it here in Dundee and quite resolved to stay here, though there seems to be a quiet push now and then beckoning me home. I am not sure if it will fade into the background or grow stronger but only time will tell. God always throws surprises in our way and 2010 has crept up on me so slowly that I'm not sure what to ask or hope for. But I realise also that I have so often limited God by my prayers or rather, my wishlist. So if I have one goal this year, it's to commit it to the Lord, just because he made the iron float.