Castle on a cloud

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:13 – 16

I’ve just been to the Isle of Islay, an amazing little island with the most gorgeous scenery and the friendliest people. While people always tell me that Dundee is a nice quiet hideaway, this is even more so. The quiet little village has given me time to clear up all the mucky thoughts in my head and get back to basics with God. And the air is so fresh you can see it reflected in the colours of the scenery.

I have been lulling over this passage in Hebrews 11 for about 6 weeks now but just haven’t had the time to read this entry. But being on Islay has given me time to listen to the words more clearly and to reflect on them much more. I think Hebrews 11 is such a beautiful summary of those who hungered after God, who lived, loved and died in the shadow of God. And to me, it seems to be written in a more contemporary, direct style. Perhaps another reminder to keep our faith alive.

I find myself quite speechless at this point seeing how self-explanatory this passage is. After all this while, I’ve made a little home in the Philippines. I’ve seriously considered building a house there and having my own little castle. But at the end of the day, I guess one of the reasons I’m always going out of Singapore is because I am looking for a country of my own. It doesn’t matter which country I go to as long as I go on God’s errand. I will keep on travelling to wherever God sends me, but I know that the country I will settle in doesn’t exist on this earth.

a dream to end all dreams

I’ve been in London for two weeks now and the place is just as great as I remembered it… And my time in hospital is even better than I could ever have imagined. I can only think how much I will miss being there although I have a good two weeks remaining. It’s great being able to linger around Selfridges or Harrod’s and the ice cream is as heavenly as I remember (perhaps even better than the one at the Trevi Fountain) and my free time at nights are spent plotting when might be the least busy time of day to finally sit down at the ice cream parlour to enjoy my ice cream.

While the ice cream dream has been always high on my to-do list, there is a greater dream – one greater than the dreams conceived by my mind alone. As I walk to the hospital each day, the air does not lie still and fresh as it does in Dundee; rather, the crisp morning air is shattered by the busy traffic, fumes and sirens. I have no doubt that I would come back to London at any time if I could, but then God’s dream is beginning to take over. I would rather be in the Philippines serving him or fellowshipping with those who love him too, or even just be curled up in a quiet corner with my Bible. And it really wouldn’t matter where in the world you put me. Going around on the weekends to different cities doesn’t tickle my fancy as much as it did and though it would have been nice to have a bit of company, all these tours just go round in a circle. I start out at one point and at the end of the day, I’m back to square one. With God’s dream, you never end up where you started.

But this bustling city life reminds me of how much we try to help God fix our own problems instead of relinquishing them to him. Even when it comes to the end of the world, we seem to be trying to bring that on by ourselves as well.

Thinking of dreams reminds me of Joseph, the one they always call ‘The Dreamer’. It’s not wrong to dream of course, but Joseph’s dreams were given by God so that they became a reality. I hope that some day, my own dreaming will come to an end and the dreams I have will be God’s dreams.

no risk is worth taking..

The days seem to inch by and as always, I'm counting the days until I'm back again in the Philippines. But there is much more to life than anticipation, much more. In fact, anticipation can be so dangerous because instead of living in the moment, we live for the next moment that is coming and miss the beauty of where we are standing. And I wonder to myself, what is it that really holds my thoughts?

I strain to laugh as I try to think back to the day I declared to God I would never go back to the Philippines because I couldn't hack it... Maybe that's why the advice 'Never say never.' In any case, my day is largely filled with the excitement of calls, texts and emails from those I love there. But as I was walking down the street the other day, listening to this old favourite song of mine called 'Hanging by a moment' by Lifehouse. While they aren't a Christian band, I couldn't help thinking how much it describes my life now, life with Jesus. Every day is a wild adventure, a new love story. Yet the word 'adventure' always brings to mind great risk... the more risk you take, the greater the adventure. While the adventure remains, there are no risks in this story, no more uncertainties. Only security. Human nature has a tendency to want to be in control of everything, to be certain of everything down to the last second, yet we place ourselves at so much risk when we do. Giving up that control to the Father eliminates every risk. Ironic I suppose.

But well, that's life.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else...

-Hanging by a moment, Lifehouse

Heart overload

There are three more long months before the year ends and I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out because the year has already been so amazing. There is a tendency within me to think that the best things happen when I’m away in the Philippines, or whatever country God sends me to, although I really haven’t been anywhere else in the past two years. But I know that no matter what time or place, God always works in the fullness of his grace. In 2006, I wrote that it had been the best year of my life thus far. But I know God is truly great indeed, and I made a claim of faith that the next year would be even better. And I would hold to that always, so that I would never allow myself, as far as possible, to take the blessings in my life for granted. Yet I haven’t even reached the end of two years since I said that and the amount of grace that God has poured into my life is so overwhelming that I am literally afraid of asking for a better year. I guess this has brought new meaning to my definition of the ‘fear of the Lord’.

I’ve gone into heart overload, and find tears coming to my eyes so easily just thinking about the blessings in my life… And I’m not talking about showers of blessings; it seems more like monsoon season every day. Yes indeed, my heart is reaching breaking point because it can’t hold any more. I keep trying to give it away, but then God fills me up faster than I can empty. Today in church, our pastor mentioned some commercial slogans he’d heard about how we’re worth it or we deserve a new sofa, a large screen TV or something of the sort, and while I’ve never paid much attention to it, it does show how worldly and sinful we’ve become, even without knowing it. There is nothing in this world that we possess that was not given by grace. I have nothing I can claim I deserve, except payment of my sin.

A year ago, my sister told me she wouldn’t mind going on a mission trip after she read my blog. While it was nice to hear, I didn’t give much thought to the practicality of it happening. If ever I asked God for one thing, it was that my family would understand my call to do missions. Not desire, calling. I don’t know how, but perhaps it would start by me being able to go away during Christmas this year, in other words, family time. Never in a million years would I have expected that he would take my family with me. It isn’t the cheapest time to go away of course, but there’s something so specific in God’s design that I can feel that he has something up his sleeves. A plan he is still weaving, not just for me, but for all as well, even though I honestly have no clue what it is. God seems to be the best at keeping secrets…

I guess that’s why I’m always singing all the time. I’ve become the ‘Little Imperial Toilet Singer’ after the nightingale from the fairytale ‘The Emperor and the Nightingale’, so named by my little sister. But as the nightingale can never recant her song for it is in her nature, I pray that as Christians, we too, can never recant our nature.

past the point of no return

So I’m back here again in Dundee, ready to finish final year… It feels like my life is not being fast-tracked anymore but I’m not referring to the 4 or 5 hours of sleep I was living on while in the Philippines… I mean spiritually. It’s as though the air has become so still, I can hardly feel the moving of the Spirit.

Looking back on these five years, the first piece of advice any doctor or medical student gives to a newbie is to fight as hard as you can to keep a life separate from medicine, even though medicine is a vocation. It’s just so you can keep your sanity. And yet I find that when I’m in Singapore or the UK, I see so many Christians who fight to keep their spiritual life separate from their real life. Calling the Philippines my home I suppose was a very dangerous and bold step, but while people say that blood is thicker than water, the Holy Spirit is thicker than blood. It’s easy to keep the fire burning when the people around you have spiritual firepower coursing through their veins, but how do you keep up the pace in the midst of a spiritual standstill? I’m not sure but it is a challenge I cannot escape or refuse. Many around me still advise that short-term missions are the way to go, but I’m past the point of no return now… At the start of 2007, I embarked on the journey to discover the true heart of a missionary. And as I continue this search to understand more and more, I’m being drawn deeper and deeper into a world I cannot escape. Nor do I have any wish to.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11

i wanna go home

Dedicated to all those who made their homes in my heart

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedureFor there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him."

Ecclesiastes 8:5,6

In the past two years, I’ve spent more time in the Philippines than I have in Singapore. Why? I know there’s always a specific reason for why God brings me to wherever he does. Yet up until recently, I never found the reason for why I was there although I felt in every fibre of my being that God directed me here for a purpose. If so, what was it? When people ask me why I was there again, I told them I was there for my elective. It’s the truth.

But as it says in Proverbs 16:9 ‘In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.’ A month went by and I still wasn’t sure I had found it. I admit I was beginning to get disappointed. Was I there by my own choice or by God’s? But one Sunday, I sat there thinking about how I was leaving soon and the strangest thought popped in my head. I thought to myself ‘How nice it would be when the day comes that I don’t have to count down to the time I’m leaving.’ And I was really shocked at this idea because that would mean me staying here indefinitely. While I’m not sure about that, I finally found the reason after all. I wasn’t coming to Palawan for my elective, I was coming home.

I suppose it would seem as though I’m turning my back on my own family in Singapore, but God reminds me so clearly of Jesus’ words in Luke 9:62 to the man who wanted to say goodbye to his family: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” This is my first charge as God’s steward: to abandon all that I’ve known. No regrets. God never takes away something without giving something better in return. Some people tell me that I’ve been brave in leaving my comfort zone to come here. If so, then call me a coward because I’ve never felt more in my comfort zone than being in the Philippines. I can’t explain why God chose the Philippines but there are many things about God’s grace I cannot explain. But when the blessing is so great, I can’t complain.

A week before I was leaving, the only song that played in my mind was the song ‘Home’ by Michael Buble. All I think of is, I wanna go home. I used to think how far away Puerto was just to get there, but home never seems too far away isn't it? I know many more tears must fall before I can finally go back… but these tears are only a reminder of how precious this family has become to me. I know that at the end of the day, when God opens the way, it will all be worth the wait.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home

I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

another beginning

14 July 2008

Once again, the madness begins. My flights have been cancelled or I'm not on them. 30 minutes before departure I find out I do have one and have to make a mad run for it. As I run toward the plane, I hear God whisper to me, 'My child, this is only the beginning.' I have to say I didn't quite know what he meant. I couldn't even begin to describe all that happened after I landed. I have always enjoyed travelling on my own for God has been my best companion; when we're alone, he knows and sees all my vulnerabilities and I can be so transparent Yet finally I begin to think it would be nice to have company. Good or bad I don't know. But being away from the field for a year has left me soft. I've been sleeping for too long in this land of luxury. God is pushing me again, this time to see how far love will take me. Steven Curtis Chapman's song plays in my mind, especially the lyrics, 'If I wanna say I love you, I gotta be faithful too; the true test of my love will be, did I follow you consistently? Through the good and the bad, I wanna be faithful too.' I ask myself if I've done enough to deserve to say 'I love you'. Perhaps 'deserve' isn't the right word, our sinful nature means there is nothing good we deserve. But has my heart been right that God would give me this privilege? I have no answer. I do not need to work to earn his love, it was given freely. But it seems God is still working so hard to earn our love, for we are so easily divided and distracted.

12 August 2008
"And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16


May God recall to life this reckless abandon I once knew. Overcome with sickness, I sit here and moan the minutes away as I feel the life drain out of me. But this Scripture from Esther is not me giving up on life. Indeed not, I'd be selfish to do that. But in January 2007, I testified that I would climb mountains for God if he sent me, to go wherever he laid before me. And as much as all his promises are 'Yes', so he will enable us to honour the promises we made him too.


"If I can sing, let my songs be full of his glory.
If I can speak, let all my words be full of his grace,
If I should live or die, let me be found pursuing this prize;
The one that alone satisfies, the treasure of Jesus."

Coming

Well well well... final year. It seems more like a miracle that I survived 4th year but here I am. I can't remember when I was ever this nervous but all through my exams I could hear the voice of Jesus echo the words of Matthew 28:20, "... and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What sweet words indeed. I must have song the words 'I need thee every hour' a thousand times... My only gripe is that I'm probably not allowed to sing aloud in exams... :)

I once said that everytime I prepare to go on a trip, things tend to go awry. Maybe some would think it sounds like a curse on myself, but it's just God's reminder that his grace is with me as I begin. I admit that sometimes I wish I could do without a reminder, but God knows better. I obviously can't. Once again, my flights went awry and I'd no time to reschedule them. Of course that's not all, I couldn't contact my friends in the Philippines because my phone died on me. What can I say except that God is faithful, so faithful.

It seems that my blogging will come to an end soon. Not because I'm tired of writing posts, I love writing about God's grace, but it seems I'm running out of words to describe the awesome greatness of our Lord and King. As I grow closer to him and learn more of him, I find myself more speechless. Maybe this is what you call stunned silence.

Yes, let me be wretched, let me be poor, blind, deaf and dumb, but not without grace.

"Just as I am, without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

-Just as I am without one plea, Charlotte Elliot

I need thee every hour

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like thine can peace afford.

I need thee, O I need thee; every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
And thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.

Heaven's beautiful melody

These past few weeks I've been writing blog posts so often and I'm not sure if it's just because I've got more time to kill... As I sit here and think, I cannot help wonder what the reason is behind God sending me back to Palawan although I'll find out when I get there. I remember the exact same thing in my decision to go back to Myanmar a second time. All I know is, there is a reason I was meant to go back and it's not just my elective. I suppose it's got to do somewhat with the fact that I have a lot of maturing and training to do before I'm ready.

On a more personal level, I'm looking forward to the heartfelt conversations I used to have. While the internet has been great for helping me keep in touch, it's not the same. I think of the times in my life where I've had the best conversations, whether it's swinging in a hammock enjoying the sea breeze, curled in a corner drinking orange pekoe tea, lying in an open field watching the sunrise, eating ice cream in a cafe or sitting in the pews of St Andrew's and feeling the peace of God wash over me. But the places don't really matter, it's the people who make the difference. I still ask God why my soulmates are scattered far and wide across the world although I already know the answer. It's to help me feel the need of God, to turn to him and not to man when I need a pick-me-up.

Thinking of all the future mission plans I've made, I look forward to the day when I can honour those commitments. But until then, to all those I love, thanks for speaking my language...

We come together for a holy purpose
We come together for the highest cause
We speak one language from a heart of worship
Gathered to bring the song to the world
For your glory

With one voice we will sing
Every tribe and every tongue
Brings a harmony
With one voice we will bring
Heaven's beautiful melody
Down to this earth
As we sing to our king
With one voice

Oceans divide us but we sing together
Now what defines is our love of you
From every nation and across all borders
Gathered to bring the song to the world

-With One Voice, Steven Curtis Chapman

the sweetest thing

It's been somewhat of an anti-climactic end to the year... the last day has ended with me taking my obstetrics and gynaecology assessment with my eyes at half-mast. So sleep is the only thing on my mind right now. This morning when I woke up, I was still so tired that I felt like I couldn't put two and two together, let alone take a test, but one thing was still so clear in my mind.

My blog entries have always been about the beauty of God's creation, or God's grace. Yet while I marvel at the the blue sky, green grass and colourful flowers, I have never admired God's greatest creation as much: humanity. Yet this is another reason for why I wanted to do medicine... Communicating with people seemed to be easier than with animals and plants (for the most part). All too often I have seen the proud, arrogant, shameful side of humanity that it's hard to picture how God might have created man in his own image.

As I stood in the corner of the theatre, I watched this woman finally break down in tears from the pain and stress that this pregnancy had given her. Of course, the staff try to offer reassurance as always but it usually falls on deaf ears. Though her husband wanted to hold her hand, the lines and drips made things difficult. But then, as he sat beside her wiping the tears from her eyes, he then pressed the tissue to his eyes to wipe away his own tears. That, I think is the beauty of humanity.

It's easy to laugh with someone, and easy to give someone a hug or their hand a squeeze for comfort, but there is something amazing about being able to cry with someone. Perhaps seeing a man cry was probably something surprising in itself. The delivery of their baby wasn't perhaps a Kodak moment to me, but seeing these two parents-to-be battle together was. Indeed, I pray that we would never lose the precious gift of humanity.

RoSE

It seems like ages since my last entry but apparently not... Anyway, 4 more weeks to finals. While I am aching for medical school to be over, the thought of having taken my last exam more than a year ago does seem to be a frightening thought. But things are going better. By God's grace, I'm retaining things better than I ever could remember, which is a shock in itself... I'm trying to concentrate on revising, but every 5 minutes or less, my mind floats back to thoughts of being in the Philippines. While every day everywhere should be the same, when I'm there, every day is an adventure for God. I can have so much fun doing the things I do and it's made all the more precious because it's another way to give back to God.

But here I go again. Distracted. As David said in 2 Samuel 7:18 "Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" 18 years after taking my first steps with God, life is just beginning and I am still learning to crawl. I could sit forever and ponder the greatness of God and wonder why he loved me enough to give me this charge of doing his work. Today as I was running to get the bus home, the bus driver just rolled her eyes at me and drove off although I was standing in front of the bus. Didn't make my day but I just sat down and waited. Normally, I'd have blown a fuse but this time I just wasn't bothered. Oddly enough, halfway down the road, there was a whole group of people coming to board our bus, the next bus. The bus that I'd missed had had an accident. It had a collision with a little car, who didn't appear to have much of a bonnet left. I don't think anyone was seriously injured, but I know it was the grace of God that kept me safe and more importantly, made me realise how well God has guarded me.

At the start of 4th year, we are given a little book to collect signatures of all the procedures we've done and witnessed, also known as our Record of Clinical Experience. As I look back on what has happened today and since the first step I took out into the wilderness, it's been strewn with these little packages of grace which God has littered my path with. And this is my Record of Spiritual Experience, signed by our one and only loving heavenly Father.

"Jesus what can I give,
What can I bring?
To so faithful a friend
To so loving a king
Savior, what can be said
What can be sung
As a praise of your name
For the things you have done
Oh my words could not tell
Not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart."

Indeed, what a debt of love I owe.

signature of grace

Now and then through my blog, I've always made mention of the exodus, a story that has made a great impact in my life. Admittedly, it was immortalised in my mind by Charlton Heston when I watched it at the age of 4 but the version in the Bible was the one imprinted in my heart.

It's been weeks since the cyclone hit and the release on aid restrictions have allowed many to breathe a sigh of relief. Yet as I listen to the news, it is not as black and white as it sounds. Doesn't this sound familiar? In Exodus 8:25, Pharoah tells Moses that the Israelites are now allowed to sacrifice to God but only in Egypt. In verse 28, he then says that they can go to the desert, but not very far. In Exodus 10:10, only the men are allowed to go. In verse 24, the women and children can go too, but the Israelites are to leave their flocks and herds. But finally in Exodus 12:31, the exodus begins. To me, the situation seems much alike.

What we see may be bargaining between earthly men, but it is a story wholly imprinted with the signature of God's grace. Those who share with me of their work tell me that things they bring give relief from hunger for the moment, but no hope for the dawn, much less the future. What then? I pray that someday these people will be able to claim the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 as their own.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

not the dolphins

Not once have I ever written two blog entries so close to the other... But I had a little revelation just the other night, which feels like one of God's little pick-me-ups. It's not the way life is supposed to be really, but occasionally I do lose my balance and fall.

Doing marine biology has always one of my little ambitions. Even as a little girl, I remember arguing with my sister over who would get the 'narwhal' flik flak watch. Sea World was like a dream come true, and I could easily imagine myself spending all day with dolphins and my favourite, the white beluga. But anyway, I'm far from that dream now. Some dreams ARE meant to remain dreams.

And this is what God has shown me, I'm chasing another dream now. His dream. I have a friend who is a marine biologist now serving God and sometimes she tells me that she wishes she had done a degree which might have been more instrumental in her ministry. Just the other day, I read of this marine biologist turned ophthalmologist. This is it. God wanted me to serve man, not dolphins. It's not a lesser job, it's a different job. And sadly, it wasn't a job that I was meant to do. God made me with the abilities he wanted me to have and in my heart, I know I've found what I was created to do.

Sometimes the days are a struggle, other days they aren't at all. But every day is God-given. There's a beautiful song in Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame called 'God help the outcasts' and if my heart ever had a song to sing, this is it.

"God help the outcasts, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcasts for nobody will

... I ask for nothing I can get by
For I know so many less lucky than I
Please help my people - the poor and downtrod
I thought we all were the children of God
God help the outcasts, children of God"

...........

......... is really how I feel. I have not written a post in nearly 2 months because I've been too busy and all the activity has finally gotten to me. My energy waxes and wanes... I feel like the smoldering wick or bruised reed Jesus promises he will not break. Yes, that is my saving grace, my only hope.

This is the longest I've been away from home, and admittedly I don't feel homesick, but how nice it would be if I were home. That means exams are over as well. Indeed, God has been gracious to me and granted me success in all my endeavours thus far. I cannot be more grateful for what he has done, but everything is coming together just prior to my exams and I'm waiting for the last straw that will break this camel's back. Not far to go now. Everything that I read just seems to bounce off my impenetrable skull and I feel like my memory is an all-time low. My mind is always away with the fairies and I'm not sure if what I am writing now makes sense. I've even been forgetting things so often it's ridiculous. Finally, I'm feeling the pressure of exams, and I can't do much about it when my mind just won't absorb. At this poiint, I think I need an antipsychotic more than some of my patients.

The recent stirring in Myanmar hasn't helped. I thank God for sustaining my brothers and sisters, for keeping them safe. Though I know that he will always be there to uphold them, I cannot help but worry. I suppose it's what keeps me on my knees as well. Just as God chose to harden Pharoah's heart that his wonders might be displayed in the land, I know God will use this opportunity to show the people how much he loves them and to help them realise that he is the Lord.

As my river of thoughts runs dry, here I end........

desecrated

On the night of Good Friday, there’s a documentary on TV trying to piece together the 18 years of Jesus’ life that were not documented in the Bible. On Holy Saturday, there’s another documentary discussing about who wrote the Bible. Perhaps I ask myself why I am watching it, but there’s a part of me which realises that I need to in order to understand the desecration before us.

I find myself so emotionally and spiritually drained just hearing people refer to the Bible as a ‘history book’, or Christianity as a ‘religion’ or a ‘cult’. What has been documented in certain books of the Bible match the history books we have, so why do we still doubt its contents if it contains the tangible evidence we search for? They say that Moses could not have written the first five books of the Bible, so the real question is not about who wrote the bible, but who edited it? Edited? The audacity of man astounds me. You can’t edit the Bible like you do a primary school essay. In Matthew 5:18, Jesus himself said, “I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.” Moses may have penned the words, but God was the author. Could Moses have known about the beginning of Creation if God had not spoken to him?

The human nature is that of an argumentative one. We have been at war with God, ourselves and every other thing on earth since the day we were here. Put a group of five men together to write a book and there will be disagreement in no time. But the Bible, though having been ‘written’ by so many people, finds no contradiction in itself. Try finding a human explanation for that.

Jesus may have been tortured by the Roman soldiers, but perhaps the blows that we deal to him today are much worse. I remember the story of a young girl who died at the hands of her persecutors for refusing to spit on the Bible. In a small way, I can understand her pain. Seeing how others try to diminish the glory of God, by containing it in a jar and manufacturing it like a can of baked beans, is like a dagger through the heart, over and over again.

When will the day finally come when we look at our blood-stained hands and realise what we’ve done? It was only after Jesus took his last breath and the earth shook that the Roman soldier finally exclaimed ‘Surely this man was the Son of God!’ I pray that we will not wait until we find ourselves before the judgement seat before we say the same…

gladiator

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38, 39

It's nearly toward the end of Lent and although usually God takes this period to reveal more of who he is to me, things are a little different this time. Rather, I've learnt more of who I am in him. It's not about being narcissistic but rather that, unless I learn how to see myself the way God sees me, I can never work towards what he wants me to become. Ironic but true.

For one thing, I've understood how to give myself wholly to love, no longer fearing that I might get distracted from God or confused between the concepts of human and Godly love. I understand the meaning of 1 John 4:18 - 'perfect love drives out all fear' and I've embraced the promise in Romans 8, that nothing can separate us from the love of God. It's really profoundly simple, but it takes a one-to-one with God to really wrap your head around it.

Recently, I watched a documentary on the gladiators fighting in the Colosseum and it told a story of a slave who became a gladiator. What was so intriguing about this story was that this particular gladiator and his opponent were granted his freedom at the end of the fight, although battles usually ended in death for one of the gladiators. But it brought to my mind, how we too, like slaves were redeemed by Jesus. We were chosen by him to fight the spiritual battles and when like Paul, have 'fought the good fight and finished the race', we gain life and freedom. Although the gladiators fought hard and some died fighting, they were freed from a life of slavery. So perhaps the Christian life isn't quite so different after all, we too were redeemed from a life of slavery, some will live to the end of their days, and some will die for the call.

I don't know where my call leads me, but I once read the beautiful story of a martyr who refused to deny Jesus because he had read the story of Peter's denial, and did not wish to weep bitterly. I have never been imprisoned or tortured, but too often, I have failed to weep as I should. Peter denied our Lord and forsook him when he had promised never to. It's human fear that made Peter deny Jesus and tell him that Jesus couldn't save him and he had to take matters into his own hands. Each time when trials come, and human nature gets in the way, and the panic makes me take things into my own hands, I do exactly what Peter did. It's a subtle denial, but a denial no less. By trying to fix things myself, it's as though I'm denying Jesus, and saying I don't know him, instead of giving him my problems to fix. Looking ahead, may it be that either I should know the bitter tears of denial, or that I should learn to really depend on our Lord.

just how far

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103: 11, 12

Those who know me are always puzzled about how I’m always smiling. My aunt always asked me how come I could still smile although people were scolding me. I’ve been scolded in class for smiling before. Today, a patient asked why I kept smiling. I asked her, ‘Would you prefer I frown?’ And she laughed and said ‘No, a smile is good.’ I’ve even known myself to break out into a smile while walking down the street because I brought a happy thought in my mind that tickled me. That may look silly, but not half as silly as if I were burst into tears while walking down the street for no reason.

I did nearly though. While waiting at the bus stop the other day, I played the new Casting Crowns song ‘East to West’ and the lyrics were so heart-wrenching that it nearly broke my heart. Each time I heard the words ‘Cause you know just how far the east is from the west, from one scarred hand to another.’ I’ve never thought about it that way. Recently, I’ve received lots of messages reminding me about my coming back to the cross. Indeed, the cross is meant to be a reminder of my sin, and I need to pick up that cross. So often I leave it at home when I walk out the door in the morning.

Tomorrow is the start of the 40-day fast. Usually I’m filled with such a wave of emotion and excitement. Not this time though. It’s something different. There is a strange quiet and calm within my heart. It’s like the deep breath before the plunge, minus the plunge. I can’t quite describe it. I have to say it bothers me a little because such quiet usually equates to restlessness for me, but all I really fancy is just sitting here quiet in the presence of God. So I’ll just sit here and wait upon the Lord.

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west,
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

- East to West, Casting Crowns

cinderella

It's been such a long time since my last entry and I've been debating whether to continue with writing this year, especially since I've just been too tired to write. This year's Christmas vacation didn't quite seem like Christmas or a vacation and I'm just lost in time. I know it's 2008 but it doesn't feel like a new year at all. I usually enter the new year with such a rush of hope and excitement but this year it's different. I promised myself that I would stop classifying days as 'good' and 'bad' but it's hard. My energy's been down so that's why I'm not quite in a writing mood either. But I realised that I need to continue just because my blog has been a reminder of God's grace to me and if I lose track of that, it'll be harder to find my way back if I get lost.

But I've found enough energy for this next post. Where from? From a little push of love. As I sit here listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's singing 'Cinderella' from his new album, I remember the little incident which happened a few days ago. This trip back to Dundee was quite an ordeal for me. I was terribly ill on the plane and spent about 4 hours lying on the floor of the plane, just outside the toilet. I was well enough to leave the plane on my own eventually but it was definitely a difficult experience. As I got out of the airport and sat on the bus, I thought to myself, I wish I had someone there with me, not for company really, but just to say a silent prayer for me. In any case, I was fine now and didn't give much thought to it.

Anyway, being out of the plane, I turned on my phone and found a few missed calls from my daddy. I wasn't sure why especially since he knew I was going to be on the plane but later he told me that he had felt such a burden to stop and pray for me. This is what the song 'Cinderella' reminded me of, how special fathers are. How my heavenly Father used my earthly father to intercede for me, even if we were thousands of miles apart. It is amazing how far love goes.

"So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone"

No matter how far I go, I know Cinderella will always be daddy's girl.