the ties that bind

Going to the Congo was a life-changing experience. I saw sights that were forever ingrained in my memory. It was an encounter that propelled me to want to change the world and to do all I could for these people. 

But the events of this week have sent my world crumbling. It was such a shock to find out that the rebels had advanced into Goma, a city once known to be the hub for humanitarian intervention and the peacekeeper's homeground. 

It shook me to the core knowing that the ground that I had tread barely two weeks ago was merely a shadow of a warzone. Since my departure from Goma, I had dreamt of going back to Kanyaruchinya, with blankets, shelter and food for these people. Now Kanyaruchinya is no more. The people have been scattered or killed.

How do you weep for thousands? I don't know how. But it was a painful experience trying. I don't know when I can go back. I want to go back. I know people tell me I am lucky that I wasn't there when the violence started and I know that God protected me. But all I can think of is standing where I once was and trying to help them but I don't know how. 

May God give us all the strength to stand. To those in Goma, our thoughts and prayers are with you. 

the rain

"I love the rain because then no one knows I'm crying." 

I have always wondered why people say that whenever they are sad, it rains. On the contrary, I like the rain. I love the smell of the rain and the freshness of the air after the rain has come and gone. There is a sort of cleanness after the rain and everything just looks brighter when the sun begins to shine on the glistening raindrops. After all, you can only see rainbows after it's rained. 

But I have just returned from a land where there are no rainbows after the rain. There is no shelter from the rain and the skies still look bleak after a shower. A tear falls as each raindrop hits the ground but the tears still fall long after the clouds have dried up. 


I am talking about Kanyaruchinya, a refugee camp which opened just over 6 months ago but already home to over 80,000 people displaced people. So many fight for their survival each day. Many go without food for days, praying for the next truck to bring some food to them. Others sleep on the mud in the pouring rain, hoping that they will the sunrise tomorrow.

 There is no future in sight. Only the next minute counts. Will they go home? Will they die here? Will food come tomorrow? Will the war be over soon? In a life full of uncertainties, there is one thing we are certain of. Jesus loves them, we tell them. They are here, away from the unrest, where many are still dying from the conflict. They are safe and they are living this very moment. They are better off than those who have been killed by rebel forces. It may not be much comfort. You could say a life like this is no life at all. But there is a reason they are here at that very moment, as are we. 

I know I will never forget what I have seen in Kanyaruchinya. Each time you see the rain, remember the people in Kanyaruchinya. 

now

The other day I happened to watch an episode of an old show called 'Touched by an Angel'. The story was about a woman who had refused to go to Sudan to help the slaves in order to secure her position as a minister in the next election. That was until her young son found pictures of the refugees in her briefcase and began to raise funds for them without her approval. To the end, she was adamant not to go until the angel revealed herself to her and told her that the mission could not happen without her. 

As she gave the money raised by her young son to redeem each slave, they played a song called 'For such a time as this' by Wayne Watson. The song speaks of the life of Esther, who had been placed in a position of honour so that she could help others, even if it would cost her her life. I am no minister, president or anyone important by far, but I am privileged enough to have been placed in a position to help the people in the Congo. Can I not go? I know that 'No' is not an answer. God has not called many to this place and I am but one of them. I cannot not heed this call for I am here for such a time as this. 

Now, all I have is now
To be faithful
To be holy
And to shine
Lighting up the darkness
Right now, I really have no choice
But to voice the truth to the nations
A generation looking for God

For such a time as this
I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God 
And do His will
Whatever it is
For such a time as this
For now and all the days He gives
I am here, I am here
And I am His
For such a time as this

You - Do you ever wonder why
Seems like the grass is always greener
Under everybody else's sky
But right here, right here for this time and place
You can live a mirror of His mercy
A forgiven image of grace

Can't change what's happened till now
But we can change what will be
By living in holiness
That the world will see Jesus

unworthy

After so many phone calls, I find myself back at square one. I have no choice but to go to Delhi myself to obtain my visa. The other option was much easier - not to go to the Congo. But how could I give up so easily? I know that this dream was placed in my heart by God and I had to see it through. Besides, how could I disappoint those who had given so much to support the people there? 

So, to the shock and dismay of many, I booked myself on a flight to Dnelhi. From the time I boarded the plane, I knew God was telling me that it would not be easy, that I would have more obstacles on this trip and I had to be ready. I can't remember ever feeling this scared and I remember the words, 'Perfect love drives out all fear.' 

After disembarking, I am greeted by a hotel attendant who tells me that I cannot stay in the hotel because it is located in the departure lounge. So I have nowhere to stay for the night and my main worry is that I will get fleeced by all these people. I finally get a hotel and into a taxi and on the ride there, I hear God telling me 'How can you learn the lessons I have for you if you are so guarded?' I am so apprehensive and so defensive that I am ready to bite at any moment. 

Finally, I can rest my head for the night with the promise of a new day. I drop my passport off with ease only for them to tell me later that my cheque has been rejected. After three stops and 30 mins of running around town, I finally find a money changer. As I finally get out of the taxi to the airport, the driver tells me I owe him an extra 300 rupees for the air-conditioning. Finally at the airport, I know I can a breathe a sigh of relief. Or so I thought. I'm 9 hours early for my flight so I have to wait another 3 hours to enter the terminal. Unfortunately, there are no earlier flights to Singapore and I will just have to wait it out. 

I know what everyone is thinking, they are thinking that I am a fool. That I would go so far just to go to the Congo and I should give up. That perhaps this is God's way of telling me not to go . As I sat in that taxi, looking at my reflection in the rear-view mirror of the taxi, I am fighting hard to swallow the tears. Why me? And I know that he never promised it would be easy, he promised that I would never walk alone. I clutch the cross around my neck and realise the tears are tears of shame. I told God that I would love to be counted worthy to be a martyr and yet with such little testing, I have proved myself so unfaithful and so unworthy. I wonder how he can use me. Jesus said that no one who looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. 

Having spent this whirlwind of a day in India, I realise the lesson God has for me. I am so unworthy to follow him but I pray that he will continue to mold me and make me fit for his service. 

the greatest thing

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not —to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord." 

1 Corinthians 1:27 - 31 

accidentally in love

People say that you can't choose who you fall in love with and I think that is so true. There are many things we didn't choose in this life, but they happened because God made it that way. 

For two years now, I have been praying to go to the Congo. I don't know why, maybe it was just because I sensed a great need there in my soul. But after speaking to more and more people here, it seemed more and more to be like a silly idea. Just some big talk from a little girl. Everyone told me that I was courting death to go there and slowly, I wondered not only if I would ever go, but if I dared to go after all. Was it all a lie? Was I the Peter who told Jesus he would never deny him and then deny him three times in the next moment? I don't know because my faith had never really been tested to that point. 

When I went to Kenya, I met amazing people, people who shared my dreams, people who would dream anything for God and could work to make it a reality. As we said goodbye, the thoughts of me going to the Congo floated in my mind that maybe one day, just one day. One day in the distant future. 

Then, last night, my friend texted me to say that they were planning a trip in 2 months' time and asked if I wanted to go. I immediately began bouncing off the walls of my house and I could have danced all night. The next morning, I was telling all my friends, shouting it from the rooftops. As I sat there thinking about it, I would beam to myself and didn't care if people thought I was crazy. When I picked my dad up from the airport, the first thing he said to me was, 'I have never seen you so happy.' 

And I immediately thought, this must be what it feels like. The feeling of being head over heels in love, how a girl must feel when she gets engaged, how the Israelites felt when they heard they were going to the promised land. The skies have never been bluer, the stars never brighter and the moon never more beautiful. That feeling of floating on air and to think you could never come down. To be so giddy and dizzy and it doesn't matter what the world thinks. My family constantly talk about me getting married and finding a partner to love me, but I am love with God's calling. God has found me and I could never ever be happier than I am now.

I don't know what this trip will hold and perhaps there will be dangers ahead, but I have no doubts at all that God has something great planned on this upcoming trip. He will do something exciting and I just have got to be there to see and experience it. 

Accidentally in love

So she said what's the problem baby

What's the problem I don't know 

Well maybe I'm in love (love) 

Think about it every time

I think about it

Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this

Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love) 

Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love 

Come on, come on 

Turn a little faster

Come on, come on 

The world will follow after

Come on, come on 

Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running 

Running down into the spring that's coming all this love 

Melting under blue skies 

Belting out sunlight 

Shimmering love 

Well baby I surrender 

To the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well I didn't mean to do it 

But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning 

Mean we're never alone, 

Never alone, no, no 

Come on, Come on

Move a little closer 

Come on, Come on

I want to hear you whisper

Come on, Come on 

Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on 

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on 

We were once

Upon a time in love

Come on, come on

Spin a little tighter

Come on, come on 

And the world's a little brighter

Come on, come on 

Just get yourself inside her 

Love ...I'm in love

Disembodied

My mind is still a whirlpool of thoughts, trying to organise all that I have seen and heard over the last week. I couldn't fall asleep last night, looking at the websites of the various NGOs that I had seen while in Kenya, websites that I had combed through endlessly in my days as a medical student, holding out a dream of joining them one day. Even as I watch documentaries of the wildebeest migration or African wildlife, I  feel a strange connection and excitement in my heart. 

Going through the websites this time, the stories and messages really stirred my heart as they now became real to me, having just been in that exact place. I met amazing people and beautiful men and women of God who have edified my soul so richly. 

That Sunday in church was such an awesome encounter with the Holy Spirit as he brought me to my knees before the greatness of God, even while singing a song that I couldn't understand the words of, but the Spirit transcends all words or languages. 

I suppose I am somewhat glad to be back to civilisation with good sanitation and a fresh supply of water, but I know in my heart, without any doubt whatsoever that I am not going to stay here forever. Like a strange feeling of being disembodied. This is not the life I am chasing after or the life I desire. 

My future is held in the eyes of these beautiful people I have met, who have captured my soul. They have taught me to see through the eyes of Jesus and to discover the love and compassion that he had for his people. 

Indeed, I have been blessed by you.

at the feet of Jesus

It's unlike me to have not written a blog post for 4 months but perhaps it's just a reflection of how my spiritual life has stagnated for a while. 

For the last 7 years I have been going on mission trips in response to the calling that has been given me but also in an effort to discover where God will place me in the future.  This trip has in no way been the most arduous for me but I have experienced so many breakthroughs during this trip.

The past two years have been particularly intense as I desperately pray and search a place to take a sabbath year as part of my promise to God. And after much searching, my thoughts and prayers had fallen on the Congo to the dismay of my family and friends. So I had to get on this trip to Africa to discover if this might be where He would place me.

Unlike any other trips that I have been on, this trip really allowed me to come into my own right as a doctor. To love and to take responsibility for each patient as Jesus would. And I have seen how God can use me not because of my medical knowledge but because of the love he has given us.

My entire trip was overshadowed by an encounter with a patient who I know God had destined for me to see. This elderly man sat a few steps away waiting to see me and then when he was called he got on his knees and began to crawl towards the seat. Later I realised he had sustained a cord injury two years ago resulting in leg weakness and he was forced to crawl on his hands and knees. He asked if I could help him walk and all I could offer was an explanation for what had happened but no solutions. At that moment, I too fell on my knees and knelt at the feet of Jesus asking for mercy and strength. As the tears flowed freely, I saw the image of myself shrinking and our God grow bigger. I was blessed to be able to pray for him, not for healing but that the glory of God might be displayed in his life, whether or not he crawled on all fours or walked on two. I don't know if he will walk again but I know that God loves him.

Yet this encounter was much more than seeing firsthand the omnipotence of God. For many years I have had this burden weighed so heavily upon me. This recurring dream where I am trying to run uphill but each step is like trying to run in mud. This burden I have been carrying has been the weight of the talents God has given me and I have been trying to give away all the blessings he has given me but I cannot outgive The Great Giver. Like a boat that is sinking, I am being drowned by the overflowing blessings he is giving me. With every scoop of water I throw overboard, God floods me again with more blessing. And with each blessing that is wrought by his hand, my burden grows because I know that to whom much has been given, much will be demanded and I need to be a good steward of the gifts he has given me.

But as I prayed for this man, healing was mine not his. My soul was set free as I heard Jesus say to me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." The gifts are his and the burden is his. All I have to do is to maximise the opportunities given to me. I know full well that I will never come close to repaying the debt that is owed, but God never asked for payment. He only asks that we love him and to be faithful to him.

I pray indeed that God would help me to spend more time sitting at his feet, listening to his word and give up the Martha in me.

I still don't have an answer as to where and when God will send me in the years to come. But I know that I just need to tread that path of grace and follow him step by step.

to where you are

Ever since I moved back to Singapore, my blog writing has fallen by the wayside. And seeing as how this blog is a time for me to reflect on my walk with God and the things he has done for me, I know within myself that I just haven't taken much time to reflect this year. In just 4 days, it will be my 1st year anniversary of my great migration... what better time to look back on the months past?

The most recent event was completing my postgraduate exams in February. I don't know if I deserved to pass to be honest, but I definitely prayed for it and I thank God for hearing my prayers. Now, my world has suddenly opened up again to all the things I wanted to do, especially going on mission trips again.

In less than a month, I will be leaving my current department doing infectious diseases and it really saddens me. All just because I've had a chance to really exercise the humane side of me, working with those who have been stigmatised and ostracised by society. It has been a painful journey for me even, but also there have been such heartwarming experiences during this time.

But being here in this department, being able to practice tropical medicine, work with those who are really in need and having jumped the hurdle of exams, my life has taken a totally different perspective. I am finally starting to concentrate again on taking a year out to do relief work. I have encountered so much resistance from my friends and family about going to the Congo and to be honest, it is a scary thought. But God reminds me that he wants to take me from where I am to where he wants me to be and wherever that me, Singapore or the Congo, it will be equally scary but I just have to go where he leads.

I have just started reading Nouwen's book on Spiritual Direction and these words spoke to me so beautifully, 'In spiritual listening, we encounter a God who cannot be fully understood, we discover realities that can not be controlled, and we realise that our hope is hidden not in the possession of power but in the confession of weakness.'

Amen to that. Lord, take me to where you are.

where we are

I find that the best way to reflect on the past year is to look through my blog. I look at the issues that stood out through the year and more importantly, I feel the emotions that I had when they were freshest in my mind at that point in time.

I haven’t written as many blog posts as I usually do which actually makes me feel sad because I must have missed out something important during that time but then life is too short regrets and I know that the future years will bring more than enough to write about.

At our new year’s day service, the pastor asked us to reflect, one of which was the things we regret. And immediately, what sprung to mind was ‘coming back to Singapore’. But my heart was very quick to refute it and told me, ‘No, this is exactly right where I need to be.’ As the saying goes ‘how can something so wrong feel so right?’ Mine is the exact opposite – how can something so right feel so wrong? And yet somehow, that’s enough assurance for me. There are times we doubt the decisions we make, even though we can’t go back, but for me, there has always been nothing surer than the peace in my heart.

This year, I’ve done the great migration, found my way back into missions, failed exams, passed exams and best of all, I found out who I want to be and where I want to be. People always say how quickly the year goes by but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like the days have inched by and just because God wanted me to carefully examine each day that I live.

Although there are many days in between when I have not lived well for his glory, I know that God will enable me to stand firm.

This 2012, God help me to abandon it all.