to love life and see good days..

The past week has indeed been eventful. I've spent the last 3 weeks on acute receiving and in all honesty, was dreading the thought of it, as my days there as a student were not my most fond memories of medical school. While I managed to live out the days on the ward well enough, I was still counting down to the days when it would be over; that is, until last Wednesday. As doctors, the greatest nightmare is to be admitted to hospital. For me, nothing was more mortifying than having to collapse in front of the entire medical team and to be admitted as a patient, an experience that definitely does not bear repeating. While some tell me that it was fortunate to be there in the right place at the right time, I couldn't disagree more. Nonetheless, seeing myself through the eyes of a patient gave me a much greater appreciation of my time on the ward. I do not relish the idea of ever being a patient again, but it was a great feeling to know what it was like being managed by my colleagues and seniors, especially now knowing that I had been in such good hands. Now that my time there is ending, I admit I am very much loathe to leave it.

But of course, there is much more than just the medical drama on the wards. I still ask myself the same question each day - 'Have I lived the life that God has called me to live?' Unfortunately, some days I have to shamefully admit a resounding 'no' but there are days when I can smile at the work God has been doing in my life, those days when my human nature doesn't take centre stage. In everyone's life, there will be always be people who we cross paths with, people who rub us the wrong way and vice versa and how we handle these experiences define who we are. In the past few days, God has been speaking to me through 1 Peter 2 and 3 - to be submissive, humble and to treat others with gentleness and respect.

''Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing... But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.'' 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15-16

I shall not want

Life has been moving so quickly that it had just dawned on me that I hadn't written a post for such a long time. Just finished another set of night shifts, late shifts and the lot.. Thank goodness for swaps which have given me some time to breathe or finally sit down to think about my audit.

There are days like today where I spend my free time mulling over things that have happened in the days gone by. Questionable decisions, mistakes made, lives lost. Indeed, I am beginning to see with my own eyes that no matter how hard you try, you will lose lives. Sometimes it doesn't matter how early you intervene or when you get that right decision in, some things just happen the way they're meant to. I have Jesus, the great Comforter on my side, but I know the loss will never be as dear to me as to the patient's family and I can but whisper a prayer that they should find the same comfort that I have in him.

But each and every day, God pours out more grace for me. I have needed much more than I did when I was a medical student, now that much responsibility rests on my shoulders. Yet I have never been in want and each day, I experience a full measure of his abundant grace. In every procedure I undertake, in every patient I manage and every person I speak to.

Indeed, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

i don't want to go

The thought of going back to Singapore has never really crossed my mind. All along, I had planned to finish my training here so that I could finally walk down the path of a missionary. That was, until I met a friend who was going back home and began persuading me to go. I've always been awfully stubborn, but 7 years ago, God made me a huge leap of faith. I made a decision that changed my life in an awesome way but also sent me down a road full of bumps, obstacles and questions. Too often were the nights when I would struggle with God for an answer. Eventually, I felt that God had put this nagging feeling in my heart for a reason and I took a chance and felt this amazing peace in my heart that was so powerful. But the years that followed after were difficult and there were times when I questioned if I'd made the right decision. And right now, I start to feel restless because the circumstances of this situation seem too similar to what it was 7 years ago. The only difference is, this is going to be an even bigger jump.

I'm begging for an answer but like last time, there may not be one. As I sit in silence, my heart begins to sing this song that brings me comfort:

You changed my world
When you came to me
You drove a passion
In my soul down deep
Lord to follow you in everything
I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that you're not there
Cos I know that me without you is a lie
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
Cos my heart needs to be where you are
So I don't want to go

So come whatever
I'll stick with you
I'll walk, you'll lead me
Call me crazy or a fool
For forever
I'll promise you that
I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that you're not there
Cos I know that me without you is a lie
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
Cos my heart needs to be where you are
So I don't want to go

Without your touch
Without your love
Filling me like an ocean
For your grace is enough
Enough for me

Never wanna go somewhere
If I know you're not there...

in the making

8 days off from work now and another 3 to go. To be honest, I was afraid that my expectations of being a doctor were so high that I would be disappointed, but God never disappoints. And I mean NEVER. There are days when I feel like collapsing from the tiredness, days when the tears are pushing through, but never a day I doubt that this is what God called me to do. I feel like I'm at the edge of my seat and the day when I enter the mission field draws closer and closer. I remember some doctors telling me that the worst thing is to see a patient die before your eyes. I think they were right. It's even more difficult when the family surrounds you with tears in their eyes and asks you to do something.

Yet despite the hustle and bustle of hospital life, I find that my life has become awfully quiet in the past weeks. I've kept up with my devotion diligently but perhaps not faithfully... After the first week, my mind is so tired that my prayers were little more than 'thanks and goodnight'. By the end of the second week, all I could say was 'I miss you, Father.' But this time off has been a precious time. I've been able to find God again, right where I left him. And now that I'm getting into the swing of things, I'll be sure to hold on tighter.

What is the point of this post? I'm not quite sure to be honest. It just felt that I needed to remember this moment as a milestone in my journey towards becoming a missionary.

This is my daily prayer and may it be yours too, if you are reading this...

EACH DAY

God be supervising
My sleeping and my rising
God be with me waking
Bless each undertaking
God's almighty powers
Keep my daylight hours
God's Spirit strengthen
My days as they lengthen.

in and out

As I sit here at my computer waiting to type the words that enter my mind, I find that it is as quiet as the morning, save the soft humming of my laptop and the occasional screech of passing seagulls. The past month has gone by in the blink of an eye, although I could not have asked for a better one. I had a wonderful albeit slow time in Puerto, but also went around Singapore with my friends from Myanmar and the Philippines, which was down to God's perfect timing and blessing.

But my time in Puerto has always been much more than a holiday for me and once again, God had a message in store for me, one which perhaps I was reluctant to hear. Last year, my godma asked me to speak to some youths in a church about my missions experiences and although I accepted, my plans to return to Puerto this July left no space for it. Nonetheless, I had thought of what I might say. More often than not, people refer to going on missions as going out of their comfort zone. I've never liked that term because it seems to portray the image of rich people coming down from their pedestal to help the poor. In fact, it gives some the impression that they deserve to behave as though they are better than the people they help, and so they do. Too often, the mission field is tainted with people such as these. God made us all equal and so He gives others more resources, so that we can reach equality together. For a long time now, I've believed that if you want to do missions, you should feel like you're going INTO your comfort zone, not out of it.

The Philippines has been my comfort zone for the past 2 years or so. Each time I go, I have in my mind a good idea of when I'd go back, but this time things are not quite so clear. It's possibly the fact that getting leave for a long spell just isn't as easy, but deep within me, I know it's more than that. During our sharing time one night, one of my friends shared about how she had gotten too comfortable in her job and God was pushing her to move on. At that moment, I knew that that was what God was trying to say to me too. I've gotten too comfortable in the Philippines. As a medical student, there were many other things I could concentrate on. But now as a doctor, things are different. My role in medical missions has totally changed and I have to be serious about it. Where will God bring me next? I honestly have no idea, but he's brought so many opportunities to my door. At least now that I've finally graduated, I can finally fulfil the promises to all those I promised to serve when I became a doctor.

To God Be The Glory.

the basin and the towel

It feels like ages since I last posted a blog entry but time has not been my own and life has been a little more crazy than usual. Graduation is finally over and it's nice to finally chat about things past medical school. It's odd sometimes explaining why I'm not going back to Singapore but I know that in my heart it's not time yet.

But for now, I need to find the silence in my heart and just enjoy that, before the days of working nights and carrying the arrest bleep run me down. I've had good mentors through the years. Mentors who remind me that sometimes all you need is to be true to yourself and to what you believe in. A couple of weeks ago I bought a Michael Card CD and heard this amazing song which I knew I would be singing each day for the rest of my life as a doctor..

"And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
That day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

In any ordinary place,on any ordinary day,
The parable can live again
When one will kneel and one will yield.
Our Saviour Servant must show us how
Through the will of the water and the tenderness of the towel."

-The Basin and the Towel, Michael Card

May God grant me the humility to take up the basin and towel every day.

this is for you...

This period must surely merit a post though for the past two days, I just can't find the words to express my happiness. And when I finally manage to scrounge up some words, the tears get in the way. I guess when I entered medical school five years ago, I knew this day would come eventually. But no one ever said that it would feel this good.

Knowing we passed our portfolio exams doesn't just mean medical school is over, that we can call ourselves doctors, that we can go on to take our foundation jobs, that we'll be getting our first salary in August; for me, it's more than that. It means that I'm one step closer to the mission field. I know the world thinks me crazy for being impatient to sit my postgraduate exams, but now that undergraduate exams are over, it's something to look forward to. This chapter of my life has finally finished and it's time to start writing a longer one and it can only get better.

But the tears I cry aren't really tears of happiness... they're tears of gratitude... Gratitude to the mercy that has flowed from the throne of God into me, but also to each person who has been a part of my life and helped shape who I am. Five years ago, I remember sitting on my mum's bed and said that perhaps I shouldn't pursue medicine because it would cost an awful lot. But my mum told me that if this was what I wanted, they would support me.

To Mummy and Daddy - thanks for the genes, the prayers and the love.

To Ming che and Jo - for the online chats when I was bored.

To Remy - for pampering me when I came home.

To my Ee-Ees - for the daily emails and for lending me your shirt at the interview.

To my grandparents - for being more proud of me than anyone ever could be.

To those who inspired me - Ate Ding, Prof Chew, Dr Sum, Dr Ben, Ate Julie, V

To my prayer warriors and soulmates- Ate Babes, Ate Jenn, Ate Joy, Ate Gen, Zelda

To my fellow Dundonians - Tara and Charl - or rather, Dr Morley and Dr Soulsby

To those who made me smile - Philip, Di, Nat, Man Yun

To those who believed in me - Auntie Connie, Auntie Jen, Uncle Yew Meng and Auntie Hannah.

And to little Simone - I hope that when you said you wanted to be like Che Che Deborah, you meant you wanted to become a doctor, not the big bad wolf.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13,14

Lord, all this is for you.

in the world, not of the world

Stray thoughts have been racing through my head these past few weeks but I feel like I just haven't had enough to put a blog post together. As usual, in the run-up to exams, my mind is drifting and I am doing everything BUT revising for exams. I wasn't like this before but as I fill my time watching Star Trek Voyager, I realise how much my education system had fashioned me into a Borg drone. Complete a task and start on another. Every drone is part of the one collective mind. Every inch of creativity and individuality is suppressed. Pleasure is irrelevant. I have to admit, it's been enjoyable coming out into the real world.

Last night, I happened to catch the Da Vinci code on TV and realise how unreal the world really is. While the Israelites are often mentioned in the Bible 'doing evil in the eyes of the Lord', their practices were often limited to worshipping foreign gods... Two millenia later, we're inventing new ways everyday to diminish the true power of God. I expect someone will be printing one of those 'A-Page-A-Day' calendars on such a topic. Angry? Yes, that's the emotion I expected myself to have. But I don't have the right to be. I am part of Adam's fallen race. I find myself before the throne and the only words I have are, 'Lord, have mercy.' It makes me sad to think that man has tried to mortalise God through a movie. But a great Comforter he has been and always will be, he spoke to me through John 1:14 "The only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." Spurgeon writes in his devotional, "You can say, 'He is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside. He has done that for me which none but a God could do... Let others think as they will of Him, to me He must be the only begotten of the Father, blessed be his name'."

Indeed, he is divine to me, if He be human to all the world beside.

if i had words...

3 years ago, I was sitting on the train back to Dundee after arriving back in Scotland and I just kept singing to myself the song 'Just like Heaven'. I remember the wave of despair and frustration that came upon me that I struggled and overcame by the grace of God. After the 3 years of 'peace', the waves are rising again. Only this time, Satan is not after me alone but to supplant those who stand with me as well. Though the five of us are closely bonded in love, friendship and prayer, the past few weeks have been a time of turmoil for each of us. Though we keep in constant communication that we might encourage each other and to share our requests, the devil tries to block that too so that we might feel the weight of loneliness and finally give in. Our communication still hasn't been restored and I admit I am feeling the frustration of it all, but within me I know that there is a cord that can never be broken. It is the bond of love that Jesus has bound us in.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is the all-prevailing power of prayer. I continued to claim the words of Luke 10:19 in our lives, for Jesus has given us the authority to overcome all the power of the enemy, and I know that Satan has no ground to stand on.

Things suddenly started to fall into place and though there are still bumps along the way, I'll just hop over them now. Having got my rotation in ophthalmology has been such a great answer to my prayers and dreams that I find myself speechless before the Lord. Just smiles and silence. I guess there are some who would think nothing of it, that it's just for a few months and that no one probably wanted it anyway. But that isn't the point. The point is that God knew what I wanted and He gave it to me. By his design, not mine.

I suppose this is an odd song to be singing to the Lord, but I find there is a simplicity and honesty in the words...

"If I had words to make a day for you,
I'd sing you a morning golden and new.
I would make this day last for all time,
Give you a night dipped in moonshine."

I AM BORG

Over 2 months ago, I closed my blog... 'Why?' so many ask me... The answer is in the last post, revealed only to those who can read between the lines, or perhaps to those God chooses to reveal it to. It seems the bigger question at hand is why open it again. I am not sure really. Maybe I need it more than I realised.

Being a missionary is difficult, but being a missionary amongst non-missionaries is more difficult and it is a daily challenge for me. For a long time now, I have been impatient to enter into full-time ministry because I can feel the calling and I get frustrated because it will be a long time before I know it can happen. I ask God why if he did not let me go now, why call me so early, and how I wish I knew someone who knew what I was going through. Then I laughed to myself, thinking of my foolishness... Jesus waited thirty years before he began his ministry though he knew from the day he was born that the life of a missionary was his. Yet when he began, there were no obstacles and no doubts at all. I might be past the age of 30 before I get to go, but I know that when the day comes, the obstacles and doubts will all disappear.

Hebrews 11:13 - 16 still ring in my head from the post I wrote in December, I know that I have no home on this earth... I have been here in Scotland for 5 years now, with some of the friendliest people I know. There are people whom I have met who are so genuine and endowed with such generosity. Yet I withdraw from those around me... perhaps it is fear. While part of me admits it is fear, I find that I have little conversation to fill the awkward silences. I don't know how to talk about the weather anymore, something I had mastered extremely well coming here. So what then? Isolation is not the answer. How do I find the push that I need? I find myself often looking forward and thinking it'll happen, give it another year. But yet, I sit where I am and like Jane Austen's Mr Darcy claim that I have not the talent of conversing with others.

I feel much like Seven of Nine, having been severed from the collective. Those whose every thought she once shared are far from her and integration into human society is extremely difficult. Small talk and idle chatter lie out of her comprehension and perfection is her only aim. Yes, perfection indeed. I too, aim to be perfect, perfect in Christ Jesus.

closed

“All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm in the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22

One of the most encouraging things about my blog is when someone leaves a comment to tell me that my words have helped them in one way or another. With the covenants I have made this year with God and other spiritual partners, the year 2009 promises to be an exciting year. Yet in the build-up to 2009, my world seemed to fall apart. Reality set in and the dream I dreamed was no more than a dream and the nightingale has finally lost her song. But the grace doesn’t end here, nor does the journey. Just this blog. A few days ago I realised that as even in a Christian journey, some paths are wide enough for many to pass at a time. Others are narrow, barely enough to fit one, but that is the path that lies ahead of me now. The terrain is getting more difficult to climb and the story can only be shared by those who have gone before me.

2009 will bring great trials and infinite grace. This I know for sure.

Close every door to me, hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows and shut out the light
Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime and torture my night
If my life was important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie far from this world
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me
Children of Israel are never alone
For I know I shall find my own peace of mind
For I have been promised a land of my own.

- Close Every Door, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat