we are tired of war..

14 hours of travel and some extortions of USD along the way finally brought us to where we were supposed to be. By this time, my spirit was already so weary. Not from the hours and hours were travelling but from the few who were just interested in procuring money from me. It felt that what I had to give just wasn't good enough, they just wanted money from me.

The Philippines was never like this. But then again I had always been protected by my companions. But Africa is a different ballgame and I need to be wise because it is impossible to help everyone. Hungry, tired and frustrated, I just think - I need a break from Africa.

We arrive at the church where we will hold our teaching and there are people singing, dancing and beating drums as they herald our arrival. As we sing together, there is a warmness that fills my heart and even spills over as a few tears. The introductions begin and the first of many welcomes starts with these resounding words 'We are tired of war. We are TIRED of war.' The smile on my face breaks as does my heart as I listen to the gut wrenching words of a people who have been victims of a war that has come and left them no better. In places where the aftermath of the war is fresh, there are an abundance of NGOs or UN signs posted everywhere. But strangely, there is a scarcity of foreign aid here.

I know that people asking for money is part of a culture that has been ingrained into so much of the developing world. An idea that money can do anything and money equals power. But then there are also those who will surprise you. Perhaps the lack of people to ask aid from has taught them to rely more on themselves. And you find that there are people who earnestly believe that you come just out of love, even if you have nothing much to offer. Those who believe that heart and education and hard work are more valuable than money. The situation is dire in South Sudan. Milk, eggs and meat are a luxury, other things are a rarity and have to be imported from Uganda. So many live below the poverty line, crying out for a chance to build their lives.

South Sudan, I know one day the world will hear your cry.

Long walk to development..

Development is a process

I admit that unlike the previous times I am not charged with excitement as I once was. I am filled with a sense of trepidation and partly some disappointment from my own failings. I forget that development is a process that takes place over years and I had high hopes for projects in Africa seeing how quickly they had understood the teaching as a duck takes to water. But without giving much guidance, I left them on their own just to follow the concepts I had taught them only to find that my concepts were just perhaps concepts. Worst of all they had put in so much effort into the proposals. I cannot help but feel some shame for misguiding them and what is more, I am at a loss for words as to what to tell them. 

My eagerness to help and compassion has not always been a strength and has sometimes been my fatal flaw that I destroy the own foundation I build for not being firm or driving the importance of self-sustainability and independence. It is my fault for not practicing what I preach. And perhaps because I think they still me as this little girl who doesn't know very much. Or is it just me who sees that? Perhaps it is my own imagination that creates these illusions and barriers. 

For the first time in 9 years, I finally pray that God would send someone to help me, as a countercheck and to stop me from beating myself up. For someone who has some sort of clue about business and writing proposals. I only pray that he would send me the words I need to speak and open hearts to listen. 

South Sudan. A chance to start afresh. Wipe the slate clean. But it's not quite so simple. You can't just erase the process of development because of some bumps in the road. I have to keep trying again and again. What do I expect? I don't know. I dare not hope because I fear I may disappoint myself again. But I do need to trust. I trust in the one who goes before me. Trust that the path has already been laid before me. Trust that whatever needs to happen will happen in his time. As long as I am willing to persevere. 

As I pen these words, the doubt begins to ebb and the words 'perfect love drives out all fear' resounds within me. Indeed whom shall I fear? 

Together, nothing is impossible.