Development is a process
I admit that unlike the previous times I am not charged with excitement as I once was. I am filled with a sense of trepidation and partly some disappointment from my own failings. I forget that development is a process that takes place over years and I had high hopes for projects in Africa seeing how quickly they had understood the teaching as a duck takes to water. But without giving much guidance, I left them on their own just to follow the concepts I had taught them only to find that my concepts were just perhaps concepts. Worst of all they had put in so much effort into the proposals. I cannot help but feel some shame for misguiding them and what is more, I am at a loss for words as to what to tell them.
My eagerness to help and compassion has not always been a strength and has sometimes been my fatal flaw that I destroy the own foundation I build for not being firm or driving the importance of self-sustainability and independence. It is my fault for not practicing what I preach. And perhaps because I think they still me as this little girl who doesn't know very much. Or is it just me who sees that? Perhaps it is my own imagination that creates these illusions and barriers.
For the first time in 9 years, I finally pray that God would send someone to help me, as a countercheck and to stop me from beating myself up. For someone who has some sort of clue about business and writing proposals. I only pray that he would send me the words I need to speak and open hearts to listen.
South Sudan. A chance to start afresh. Wipe the slate clean. But it's not quite so simple. You can't just erase the process of development because of some bumps in the road. I have to keep trying again and again. What do I expect? I don't know. I dare not hope because I fear I may disappoint myself again. But I do need to trust. I trust in the one who goes before me. Trust that the path has already been laid before me. Trust that whatever needs to happen will happen in his time. As long as I am willing to persevere.
As I pen these words, the doubt begins to ebb and the words 'perfect love drives out all fear' resounds within me. Indeed whom shall I fear?
Together, nothing is impossible.
I admit that unlike the previous times I am not charged with excitement as I once was. I am filled with a sense of trepidation and partly some disappointment from my own failings. I forget that development is a process that takes place over years and I had high hopes for projects in Africa seeing how quickly they had understood the teaching as a duck takes to water. But without giving much guidance, I left them on their own just to follow the concepts I had taught them only to find that my concepts were just perhaps concepts. Worst of all they had put in so much effort into the proposals. I cannot help but feel some shame for misguiding them and what is more, I am at a loss for words as to what to tell them.
My eagerness to help and compassion has not always been a strength and has sometimes been my fatal flaw that I destroy the own foundation I build for not being firm or driving the importance of self-sustainability and independence. It is my fault for not practicing what I preach. And perhaps because I think they still me as this little girl who doesn't know very much. Or is it just me who sees that? Perhaps it is my own imagination that creates these illusions and barriers.
For the first time in 9 years, I finally pray that God would send someone to help me, as a countercheck and to stop me from beating myself up. For someone who has some sort of clue about business and writing proposals. I only pray that he would send me the words I need to speak and open hearts to listen.
South Sudan. A chance to start afresh. Wipe the slate clean. But it's not quite so simple. You can't just erase the process of development because of some bumps in the road. I have to keep trying again and again. What do I expect? I don't know. I dare not hope because I fear I may disappoint myself again. But I do need to trust. I trust in the one who goes before me. Trust that the path has already been laid before me. Trust that whatever needs to happen will happen in his time. As long as I am willing to persevere.
As I pen these words, the doubt begins to ebb and the words 'perfect love drives out all fear' resounds within me. Indeed whom shall I fear?
Together, nothing is impossible.
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